We know what happiness isn't. Yet we keep hoping that without changing our circumstances, somehow we will become happy. Or this one or that one will become the person we imagine they could be if only.... Whether it be a parent, spouse, sibling, or friend - the Narcissist NEVER wants to get better.
You can't show them the way... prod them along.... and forgive them until they see that the relationship is mostly you forgiving their behavior. They won't one day "wake up" and profess to want to get better. That day is never going to come. Narcissists do not have the ability to face the truth about themselves and or their behavior. The very most you will ever get from them is their confusion about your injury/injuries. They might even say they are not aware of their abusive language, picking you apart until you say you feel useless (they grin), controlling every moment you are in their presence - every step you take - your every breath is measured and judged.
You know this is you when you catch yourself saving proof of things for their coming denial - or non belief, and when you are afraid to share what you are thinking because they will blow it totally out of proportion... and likely see you in a negative, and or paranoid way. You find yourself feeling alone in the building of the relationship. You actually hear them tell YOU it is exhausting for them to be with you - usually after some prodding for honesty or real feelings to be felt and shared. They may even tell you YOU are controlling. And lastly, when you had enough and place those healthy boundaries, they will surely call YOU selfish. That's right. You. The one who gave to them from the very bottom of your heart and soul. All of that won't matter.
You could get a partial apology in rare cases. Something like, "Sorry for everything." Followed by "You are right. You should not be near me in the future ... It's not healthy for you". But, this is only when they know it's over anyway. Not by a phone call or in person will they make this statement... Email is perfect for the upper hand, last word - There is something wrong with you, not me, kind of goodbye. They must delude themselves (and all the toadies and targets pending who will listen) before moving on.
All the time though, they are the very person they have been calling you (Projection). Their total lack of self esteem and stripped self image, along with an emotionally bankrupt brain makes them feel useless, inferior, the victim, on guard, paranoid, and totally negative. They have to portray to others false confidence, grandiosity, perfection (in work, home, yard, pets), and superiority about everything.
To keep this up they must degrade someone else all the time. Today it's you ...tomorrow it's one of their children... then a neighbor, a spouse, even an ex-spouse. Anyone will do. It makes them feel better than others. But people who are around them for any decent period of time pick up on this cycle. These people either are targets and or future victims who stay around for their turn, or they see this as pathetic and want nothing to do with the person. Then the narcissist proclaims that this person and 90% of the human race are bad people...looking to use them and they don't care for most people. They will come out and say it in just that way.
The narcissist measures everything. How much you eat, how much you paid for, how much gas was used, how much time spent going here or there with you... it's all work to them. Even when you pay for everything. Groceries for the whole family while you visit, bags of gifts on arrival - you name it. They want you still to pay for more. They see every interaction with you as a possible way to either come out on top or a way that they are being used. They don't get the concept of sharing life and happiness, and can NEVER just live and let live. Never do they ever just enjoy the moment.
Being with a narcissist, everything is complicated and difficult - and exhausting. You are constantly trying to read their mind, dance on eggshells, give to them double what is normal in time, work, money, gifts - you name it. They deserve it. And you can't win. It won't be enough. The selfish comment will come just on the other side of that all so wonderful first healthy boundary which you place.
Pick up what you have left and take your simple self and happiness elsewhere. And don't let yourself feel guilty for doing so because it's family. It's sad and too bad, but it's the same. You cannot ever be enough for them. They will suck you dry and then tell you "You didn't give me what I wanted in a (family member)". Then they will proceed to tell you when they saw the relationship changing... You made a comment that didn't sit right with them, or you were selfish because of placing the boundary. That's about all they'll have on you. Still they don't mind bringing it up. They show that they don't realize all relationships should change as they "Grow". Something Narcissists don't do.
The simple meaning of happiness is the true embodiment of Life in it's most innocent form - a mind free of all oppression, and the will do good unto others AND also unto YOURSELF :)
1 comment:
Well coming across this older post really helps me to put useless thoughts into moving-on perspective. No wasted time here.... I guess this narcissist thing just keeps getting easier to decipher. Now, to be sure to keep the rest of them out of my life.
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