Blah Blah Black Sheep

Blah Blah Black Sheep

So the people in the family of the NM who are scapegoated as the black sheep - likely are the opposite.  Yet, the NM works on them and others to the point that some of their own behaviors compliment NM's already distorted impressions. (Lies).

Then, once family members finally shed the NM's lies (this may take decades) some may feel compelled to see this person for who they really are - and begin a real relationship.  However, sometimes when the "black sheep" hasn't gotten or has refused emotional help, they strike out with anger.  They try everything they know of to push you away before you abandon them as they assume you will do anyway.  You keep telling yourself and them that no matter what they say or do you will never love them less - and you think you will NOT abandon them as you have seen others do to them all their life.

The more you reassure them - the less they trust and the more fault they find in you and everything you do for them.  It's like they are just resigned to be 'hated' as they have always felt and damnit if you aren't going to do so, they are going to make you.  They do things like punish a kindness, dismiss your shared thoughts about any insignificant thing, micro manage your every breath and move, if you are at their house, and finally, try very hard to prove you to be a liar.  When they are faced with facts, they discount them - and dismiss your hurt feelings with no apology what so ever.  Their anger with everything in general is extremely disturbing. They just will not be able to mask it for the duration of a relationship.

My black sheep really let it loose the third year.  I saw scary glimpses of it over the course of the two years prior, but I figured we are all really sick people from the NM and she was just trying to get better.  When all the while I was working to get better, she was in denial of any reason to evolve.  She was thrilled about my struggle and recovery process which was and still can be difficult, but when asked what she was going to do for herself, she always retorted she's done evolving.  Her work is done.

I called her to tell her that my doctor cut me off from my painkillers because I was getting them from another doctor.  I was really distraught.  I figured I should go for some kind of self help - to a group maybe - and just stop taking them.  Use over the counter medicines, and start over eaters anonymous as I struggle more with obesity.

I laugh now but at the time it was puzzling.  She was very happy to jump in the car and come to me.  She was happier than I maybe had ever seen her.  Celebratory kind of - but I figured she was maybe glad for me to be getting help.  I was telling myself that, anyway, even as my mind was saying that she was more glad that I was in need of help.  I kept forcing that feeling away.

Then, she insisted on driving me to the nearest meeting that evening.  On the way, mind you, this was for Overeaters Anonymous - She pulled into a Dunkin Donuts drive thru and asked me what I'd like.  Oh isn't that nice?  Don't get it twisted.  She was NOT offering to buy for me - That's understood with her - It was made clear from the beginning, she demands you pay your way and more).  I was shocked by this and, I, of course, wanted nothing.  She got a whipped cream coffee treat and bagel with toppings.  And was I sure I didn't want anything?  So weird.  I sat there waiting for her to finish in the parking lot of the meeting place.  Then we went inside.  She was familiar with all the protocol and led me in and through the whole thing.  I thought that part was nice, but I couldn't help notice her festive mood about the whole thing.  It kind of felt creepy.

You know what?  If it doesn't feel good, it's not love or of love.  In this case it was feeding this poor girl's self-loathing self-image.  God.  It was so obvious.  I never once wrote about this or ever mentioned it to her because it just didn't seem right for me to pick this all out (to decipher) when she actually came here as soon as I told her I had a problem.  THAT'S an NM thing to do.  Pick apart every kindness, and frankly, it's the kind of thing this person was doing to me for three years.

But I decided to mention it here because it's significant in this healing process.  We have to be able to know the difference between one's joy for your misfortune and one's joy for your joy.  Had she been joyful for my wanting to seek help, it would have felt good.  Love never feels bad.

I still don't think this person is a black sheep because I remember her when she was a small child.  I think she believes that she is, and insists to behave in such a way.  I didn't abandon her per se', and  I never stopped loving her - that child inside who she denies - I love her.

BOUNDARIES

Still, if it feels bad, it isn't good.  We have to let them be right and be finished evolving - But without our company.  It's the sad truth about recovery from the NM and the whole NM family.