Borderline Examples and the Confusion for Loved Ones

Dustie my Angora Bunny

I want to talk about Borderline Personality Disorder and how it tries to mask itself, causing so much confusion for both the Borderline and the loved ones of the Borderline.

BPD works with projection, denial, know it all defensiveness, to the point of near delusion - and then at that point it goes to splitting.  It robs the Borderline of their true self - forcing them to take on others' selves or personalities and actions - even common phrases and body language the person uses.  It is very confusing for the Borderline and disturbing for the loved one.

The Borderline who is in the process of splitting feels in a fog - on auto-pilot - in a robot like state - and they act as such.  They smile, act like they are listening, but really they barely get the gist of anything said, and they don't look like anyone you know - most of all them.

Beneath this smile is rage.  Anger that simmers so forcefully below the surface that you can actually hear the Borderline's personal thoughts in bouts of under the breath but ever still boisterous abusive language, spitting and spouting - as they putter about fixing things they feel need to be straightened.  They are amazed when you confront them later with not wanting to be around this negativity.  "What negativity?  I didn't curse.  I haven't used those words since I left my job."  The Borderline quips with the know it all - has to be right tone.

"You were spouting expletives behind my back as you rummaged through your tool box", you say.  "What tool box?"  Borderline interrupts.  "Oh, well.  That stuff needs to be mixed in a bowl with water and it goes hard quickly, and so I was under pressure."  Borderline continues.

It's not about the tools, the mix, or anything that the Borderline works so diligently with which to switch the focus. It's about of course the abusive language and negative attitude (the slamming doors and beady eyed glares) that you just will no longer tolerate.  And this is only a very small example of what turns out to be how the Borderline behaves about seventy percent of the time. It's exhausting.  And you don't know what to think when the Borderline tells you that you rob them of their energy. And that difficult people are something they wont be tolerating anymore in their life.

Yep.  You find yourself just amazed and shaking your head.  But it's all projection.  They see in you even if it's not true for you - what they are - how they behave and they really believe this.  You are the difficult person.  They cannot see this at all for what it is and don't want to learn the truth to fix it.  They will say and my Borderline did say "There's nothing to fix".  It's really just too bad.  They end up alone in life until they succumb to therapy, and therapy for BPD is a very difficult process.  It's not very promising at this time in many cases, and for the older Borderline there are less years that they have left to get better.  My Borderline is 50. The expert online that recovered said it took her about 20 years.

They see everything in either black or white kind of thinking... it's always all or nothing with them.  They JUMP to conclusions ALL the time.  They are so IMPULSIVE and NEVER listen to anyone else.  They might ask for your opinion but they only want you to tell them they are right, so clever, so good, so wonderful, ... They want a bunch of yes friends.  If you answer to the contrary, they jump on you defensively with reasons they believe are just, followed by a punishment of humiliation or belittlement.

They have a big problem in that they don't like anyone, but they don't like to be alone.  They have a significant other, but they hate them as they hate themselves, and it's a dance of I love you, I hate you, get out and don't leave me which never ends.

 The person living with them as a mate is likely co-dependent and gets something out of the whole mess too or they would be GONE.  They get something out of the abuse and controlling and negativity which fills a need in them.  They could be another personality disordered person with worse behavior. The two of them pass the ball back and fourth.  This is the case for my Borderline and her mate.  He's a major control freak and she needs his dominant controlling self to call her own which she projects onto others.

BPD is all ID.  They have to attach to someone else's ego and superego.  The allow themselves to so closely identify that they become the other person's personality.  In speech, action, and deed.  Only thing is, you can tell it isn't them.  It isn't real.  It isn't even a close second of the person they are imitating.

BPD finally gets rid of one abusive partner and goes directly for the next with absolutely NO healing or learning time in between because they NEED a self or they will split.  Basically fall apart. They can't function, they believe, without another to cling to, feel important for, to be someone for and with. They IMPULSIVELY jump from one thing to the next - from one person to the next.. all without giving themselves the respect or the time to ponder what is best only for them.  They do not take care for themselves.  They have all they can do to survive this life to the next breath and they believe those breaths with cease without someone by their side.

They speak in terms of WE.  They do not know how be a separate person.  They may have just met the person but all of the sudden everything is WE are waiting for this news, or WE are doing this, or We are very happy with such and such ...  Very strange and unhealthy.

Still, there is a chance for recovery.  There always is.  BPD has to want recovery.  It's better if the person they are clinging to now is healthy.  That might awaken awareness in the BPD partner.

HOPE.  It's a good thing.  I never give up, do I.