With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Late Sixties and Early Seventies in Small Town...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Late Sixties and Early Seventies in Small Town...: Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!!  I remember those cereal commercials on television when color TV was a big deal.  Those days were fil...

The Late Sixties and Early Seventies in Small Town USA.....

Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!!  I remember those cereal commercials on television when color TV was a big deal.  Those days were filled with the Million Dollar Movie afternoons and Saturday morning cartoons.

The best days were when school was called off by more than a foot of snow in our freezing Bradford County Pennsylvania little town of Athens.  We heard it on the radio, channel, WATS, and in between the announcements they would insert the advertisement for "Pennzoil, the motor oil worth asking for".  Then, Wayne Newton's newest hit song played or maybe Delta Dawn and Put Your Hand in the Hand of the Man who Stilled the Water...  and again  Pennzoil, the motor oil worth asking for.  Yes, WATS was repetitious, but oh so heavenly when telling us there was NO school for the day.

Summer vacation was all we lived for - to be able to ride our bikes from morning until sunset.  Playing with neighbor children until ten every night, doing gymnastics and playing kick the can - screaming to our hearts content.

Sometimes we would have homemade carnivals in our back yards and sleepovers in the heat of July on front porches with sweet summer sweat and tiny mosquitoes, chips, pop, sleeping bags, flashlights, and stories until after midnight.  The quiet of the lazy summer night hung under the street lamps whose glow took your eyes to every wooden house along the block. And we were safe on the porch inside our comfy bags, munching snacks and sharing giggles after silly giggles.

Ah yes those were the innocent days of the late sixties and early seventies in the good old USA.  Davy Jones and Speed Racer - Mohammed Ali and Joe Namath - Olga Korbut and Nikolai Andrianov....  Secretariat!!  Oh, yes Secretariat the most beautiful racehorse ever.

Remember the corner candy store?  Ours was called, Covey's.  It had the old wooden unpolished floors, the old soda counter with the spinning stools.  Magazines, candy, newspapers, and a few booths all darkened where we never sat.  We'd all skip home with our precious little brown paper bags of penny candy and the one larger purchase - the odd nickle candy bar or pack of gum.  Or were they eight cents or am I remembering the price of a stamp???  lol...  It was all the same then.

I knew every sidewalk block along the way - where all the stink fishes were (a stamp in the cement reading a number) - where all the blocks were that were raised by the reaching roots of the giant maple trees, and everything.  I knew all the cracks that would break your mother's back.

I remember the grey squirrels that lived in those maple trees which lined all of the streets.  They were numerous and very clever.  They could balance on live wires without touching the wrong one even with their tails as they trotted so confidently along.  And I collected the prettiest of leaves during the Autumn season from their trees for projects in elementary school.  I remember the smell of Autumn then - the sound too of the swishing and crunching leaves as you walked along to where ever you were going along cool, damp, leaf carpeted sidewalks...

My son Khaled and our bunny Dustie

Eventually, you would arrive anywhere you wanted.   

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Contentment and Self Love .... It's a good thing.....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Contentment and Self Love .... It's a good thing.....: Dust Wook how Cute we Are I can't tell you how good it is to be free of Borderlines, Narcissists, and Psychopaths.  No daily emails try...

Contentment and Self Love .... It's a good thing....

Dust Wook how Cute we Are

I can't tell you how good it is to be free of Borderlines, Narcissists, and Psychopaths.  No daily emails trying to reach them in a real and human way - no threatening letters or phone calls - no tit for tat hurtful statements - no lies to keep up with, find out about, and try to fix - and best of all, NO confusion.  No guessing games, reading of minds, and endless misunderstandings and disappointment.

Oh and thank goodness, no more being invited for things and then told I have to pay for half..lol..  half the gas - half the food - half the drinks (including for a house visit).  If the BPD person wants to go anywhere, inviting me gets them there for half price or free on occasion.  Something is lost in that kind of invitation.  Or how about being offered something and then it being taken away - over and over.  I found it disturbing to notice the BPD person's satisfaction in telling me that they've changed their mind, and or now you have to pay for the item.  If you give me something I am touched that you care about me, not so much about the receiving of the item.  And if you give me something, then take it away with a grin, asking if you are being unreasonable... (being human) I am affected by your joy in hurting me.

But now everything is different for me.  Life is life and living is living without the threat of it all ending.  I have surrounded myself with life and living, and love and healing.  I am practicing self love for the first time in my life.  It must be working because my overall health is improving.

 My son, Khaled, is in the photograph with Dustie the English Angora rabbit.  He's my eldest of three children and the most sensitive of them all.  He loves animals like I do, and as you can see here - he has such a heart for them. If I turn around in my office chair, I see my Conure Parrot perched on the rabbit's crate door, which remains open.  Also, this little guy in the photo bounces here and there, chasing our shy little Holland Dwarf bunny from place to place.

Life for me now consists of my adult children who are all out of the house and on their own, my husband who still works two jobs, these adorable snuggle buggles, and you all. Plus my volunteer work.  Remembering what is good for me is a big part of this - An Epsom salts bath, healthy food choices, smaller portions, more movement/walking when I can, and quality time with my husband.  I couldn't be more content with life and the decisions I've made to get me this far.

It's true that if it doesn't feel good, it isn't love.  Family or not.  You have to realize this and do what is right for you.  That is hard for those of us who always feel more for the other person than we do for ourselves, but it's important to finally GET the concept.  And do it for YOU.  Or one day there won't be any of you left for you or for others.

No wonder I have been ill for so long.  I was getting it from all directions.  The NM/PM and her lies and others believing her - the BPD sister and her tit for tat comments and the push pull giving and taking away / the balancing act of navigating her mood and ANGER. The other N sister who is also Histrionic/Masochistic, threatening and passive aggressive/accomplice to NM. Then there was my father, the unwitting accomplice to NM who despite her lies loved me unconditionally.  My brother who checked out of life at 15 and hasn't grown a bit since.  I do not claim to know what his personality disturbance would be called.  The others I have no doubt.  And there is me. Negative self talk - which I have worked my entire adult life to reverse.  BiPolar tendencies, three major debilitating depressions, passive aggressive tendencies (worked to end this one totally), ADD, .. gosh you name it.  It's been a long road.

On the flip side, I have a normal husband and extended family of in laws.  My children all seem "normal".  As I have said before, my eldest got the brunt of my illnesses - but for all we all went through, he has come along way further than I was at his age.  He would be considered normal with some issues he manages.  He is just like me - and he has the kindest heart you'll ever want to meet.

My middle son is just precious.  I don't know how else to describe him.  His soul just shines and when I am with him the whole room is calm and peaceful.

My daughter also is kind and special.  Really sweet, on the ball though, kind of old world girl.  She knows what she wants in life and she will never be held back by any N, P, S, or BPD - I can guarantee you THAT much!!

Those three children, my pets, husband - my mother in law, Sittoo, also - just make me smile and breathe in a cleansing breath.  Contentment.  It's a good thing.

          Me and Sittoo at the Red Sea ten days after Khaled was Born 

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Witnessed this also... and Now I Found that Othe...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Witnessed this also... and Now I Found that Othe...: Title:  When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by:  Intime  on  March 08, 2012, 08:30:29 PM Hi Everyone:...

I Witnessed this also... and Found that Others have also Seen the Same Scary Dead Eyed Glare...

Title: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: Intime on March 08, 2012, 08:30:29 PM Hi Everyone: Has anyone noticed that when their BPDso is angry, how very different their faces become, I mean they look entirely different. It seemed everytime my ex would go into a rage (he was very handsome) - - he took on a demeanor that really scared and frightened me to look at. I mentioned this to my T, and she said something about the brain shifting to the front of the lobe, she knew exactly what I was talking about.  His eyes were deep, his forehead grew larger, I don't want to say "evil" but my ex, didn't even look like the person I had been with for 4 years. I'd never seen anything like it. Has anyone on the board experienced anything like this with their BPDso when outraged, not just mad or angry? Thanks for listening, INTIME Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: dah1029 on March 08, 2012, 09:01:45 PM I never saw the true dark side to BPD until after we split up.  I remember having a calm conversation with him about our demise, what went wrong, could we fix things, etc.  His eyes were dead.  I truly never saw anyone disassociate before until I watched him do it.  His expression was flat, eyes dead, he had no recollection of events being the same as I remembered.  Did not remember conversations, memories, promises, plans, feelings at the time, etc.  It was heartbreaking to me.  He was emotionally dead.   Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: Cardinals in Flight on March 08, 2012, 09:08:32 PM Yep, my XBpd/gf took on a whole different persona during a rage, very scary to me.  Never been spoken to in that manner and I'm no spring chicken  ? Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: stonehead on March 08, 2012, 09:20:04 PM I noticed that when she got disassociated, she had a spaced out look on her face and her eyes looked glassy. It was as though there was nothing inside them. She got no Self or soul at all. It is as though she is a living dead, a zombie! Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: dah1029 on March 08, 2012, 09:22:27 PM Stonehead-- that's what I saw. Very weird.  And also very upsetting.  You can tell they're not processing anything you're saying.  Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: breathelife on March 08, 2012, 09:48:59 PM YES YES! He totally looked different.  His eyes got all wild and he was very unattactive to me and scary.   Like I wanted to run.  I can almost see his moods coming.  And I could tell.  It's creepy really.  Oh why am I so sad to have left... Geez... It was soo hard being with him. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: megocean on March 08, 2012, 10:11:19 PM I'm found on 'Staying" but was tooling around and this caught my eye. WOW---I thought this was somehow unique to my SO. He looks like a COMPLETELY different person when he is furious---most of the changes are in his eyes and forehead. Also, his coloring changes. I have always wondered what was going on. Could the brain really shift as described above? Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: FriedaB on March 08, 2012, 10:27:25 PM Satan  meets  Rosemary's  baby. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: jessicapuppy on March 08, 2012, 10:53:57 PM I very much have seen what you mean.  I actually thought of him as another person, when he was in that frame of mind...as in having a split personality.  Two totally different people.  Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: Sabine on March 08, 2012, 11:49:43 PM Indeed. I wrote about this a while back. It's downright scary how distorted my exBPDbf would look when he raged or tried really hard to control something... like driving! I used to look over and study his face and ask myself "who is this creature?" lol He was so into his anger that he often wouldn't even see me studying him! Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: breathelife on March 08, 2012, 11:50:37 PM jessica, unfortunately we really loved one of them :( Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: breathelife on March 08, 2012, 11:52:40 PM Quote from: Sabine on March 08, 2012, 11:49:43 PM Indeed. I wrote about this a while back. It's downright scary how distorted my exBPDbf would look when he raged or tried really hard to control something... like driving! I used to look over and study his face and ask myself "who is this creature?" lol He was so into his anger that he often wouldn't even see me studying him!  Yes...and I would cringe and hated that rager...it was scary and I thought I was crazy.  I am so happy to hear that I am not.  I miss the nice person though sooooo very much.  I thought he was the one...finally found him.  but now all I have is a broken heart...urgh Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: jessicapuppy on March 08, 2012, 11:59:09 PM Quote from: cupofsoul on March 08, 2012, 11:52:40 PM Quote from: Sabine on March 08, 2012, 11:49:43 PM Indeed. I wrote about this a while back. It's downright scary how distorted my exBPDbf would look when he raged or tried really hard to control something... like driving! I used to look over and study his face and ask myself "who is this creature?" lol He was so into his anger that he often wouldn't even see me studying him!  Yes...and I would cringe and hated that rager...it was scary and I thought I was crazy.  I am so happy to hear that I am not.  I miss the nice person though sooooo very much.  I thought he was the one...finally found him.  but now all I have is a broken heart...urgh Yes, I think most of us can relate to being left broken hearted  hug-2 Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: nparade on March 09, 2012, 02:02:24 AM The episodes blend together for me.  I can remember the scariest face I have ever seen, and moments later, the most broken, hurt, wounded sorry face of all time.  And then the scary face again. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: refuge on March 09, 2012, 07:58:56 AM This was something that scared the crap out of me, that look is PURE 100% primal hate. I think one thing that scared me was later on realising it's not a "look"; it's real. My cluster B hadf 3 emotional personalities or identities and I can immediatly tell the difference. Took awhile to see it though Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: jessicapuppy on March 09, 2012, 10:58:53 AM Quote from: refuge on March 09, 2012, 07:58:56 AM This was something that scared the crap out of me, that look is PURE 100% primal hate. I think one thing that scared me was later on realising it's not a "look"; it's real. My cluster B hadf 3 emotional personalities or identities and I can immediatly tell the difference. Took awhile to see it though My ex had a voice to match the face, and spat his words like venom.  Then, as you say, the hurt little boy would come out...a totally different person. I think people who don't understand BPD and haven't seen a 'rage', probably wouldn't realise that this is not an ordinary angry person. JP x Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: ellil on March 09, 2012, 11:33:16 AM Mine did the same thing--dead looking eyes that just looked evil, and he would babble in a hushed tone where I could hardly understand what he was saying. And he seemed to age 100 years. M Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: wrangler1217 on March 09, 2012, 11:38:42 AM My ex would definitely get the spaced out look - nothing would get through.  It was as if she could just look right through me.  I was amazed that she could say ANYTHING she wanted to and not feel any emotion.  My friends never knew what I was talking about when I would tell them about this look.  I would even tell them "I think she does this just to see me squirm."  I remember calling her a demon because when she got that look...it was like she was being possessed.  Little did I know that she was actually having an out of body type experience.  Scary stuff nonetheless... Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: catnap on March 09, 2012, 11:40:55 AM Quote I mentioned this to my T, and she said something about the brain shifting to the front of the lobe, she knew exactly what I was talking about. Interesting, because though I have read others experiences of the rage episodes/disassociation I had never read a clinical explanation.  My son's exgf, one time was in such a rage, her pupils dilated so they looked pure black and he did not sleep that night for fear she would try to kill him in his sleep.  He said they looked like the eyes of a shark--dead.  Some refer to this as their mask coming off.  Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: tailspin on March 09, 2012, 11:42:56 AM I remember one time his mom asked me if I had seen his anger...at that point I had not.  She made many attempts to sabatage our relationship.  He internalized most of his anger but when my boundaries became stronger and I began standing up for myself he began to rage at me and became unrecognizable.  Shape shifter.   Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: dah1029 on March 09, 2012, 12:25:40 PM My ex had medium blue eyes.  But when I saw him disassociate, I remember his eyes looked dead and black.  He was completely not in the moment.  Very weird, frightening, and upsetting.  And no expression to his face--  completely flat affect.  I went home and cried at how dead his face was.  Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: ellil on March 09, 2012, 12:39:45 PM I don't know about his frontal lobe moving forwards, but I can also say his pupils dilated so much that his hazel eyes were definitely black, his skin would go chalk white which aged him a lot passed his mid-50's. It was a sight to behold. M Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: tailspin on March 09, 2012, 12:49:31 PM There was a side to you that I never knew, never knew. All the things you said they were never true, never true. All the games you played you would always win, always, win. But I set fire to the rain...~Adele Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: rotgut on March 09, 2012, 04:10:25 PM Absolutely. Very familiar with that "demonic" look. I don't know how else to categorize it. I am agnostic and after seeing my uBPD xw's demon face a few dozen times, I strongly considered hiring a priest. I think it is the opposite of what you said. During those times the frontal (human) part of the brain goes dark and the primal/awful part lights up. I could look at mine and know with certainty, by her eyes, how bad things were going to be. All joking aside it was like she was afflicted. Like this demon would take her over and ruin both of our lives until it left, followed by numerous apologies, and sexual favors, cycle, cycle, cycle. I stayed b/c I didn't think she could control it, like she was some kind of victim. Only when my sister pointed out to me that she somehow managed to control "the demon" at work and around others, just not me, that I started to wake up. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: jessicapuppy on March 09, 2012, 04:13:28 PM Quote from: rotgut on March 09, 2012, 04:10:25 PM Absolutely. Very familiar with that "demonic" look. I don't know how else to categorize it. I am agnostic and after seeing my uBPD xw's demon face a few dozen times, I strongly considered hiring a priest. I think it is the opposite of what you said. During those times the frontal (human) part of the brain goes dark and the primal/awful part lights up. I could look at mine and know with certainty, by her eyes, how bad things were going to be. All joking aside it was like she was afflicted. Like this demon would take her over and ruin both of our lives until it left, followed by numerous apologies, and sexual favors, cycle, cycle, cycle. I stayed b/c I didn't think she could control it, like she was some kind of victim. Only when my sister pointed out to me that she somehow managed to control "the demon" at work and around others, just not me, that I started to wake up.  Now that's interesting, because my ex couldn't control himself with anyone.  It was only ever verbal, but by the end of the relationship, more and more people were seeing the other side of him.  Although I must admit, it was only over something major, rather than with me, when it was over anything. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: breathelife on March 09, 2012, 04:44:46 PM I think my ex could control it with others.  Although I didn't know because I didn't see him around others often.  He had no friends and we rarely saw his family which is ironic because he swears that he's real close to his family.   Now that I think of it, he might have a social anxiety issue.  He avoided hanging out with my friends often and would have flat tires or something when we have plans.  He would always drink in any social event or he won't go.  What a nutcase.. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: bob88 on March 10, 2012, 05:08:07 AM Absolutely! I call it the Satan face.  My ex could change in a second and it was as though Satan was looking through her face. When I try to picture it in my mind now, my imagination always adds a set of red eyes to the mental image. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: sunday321 on March 10, 2012, 03:27:03 PM Yes Catnap, I remember the black eyes...how can a personality disorder do that? I was often afraid of my husband and thought he would kill me one day. I used to get a finger in my face and a f--- you. What a lovely thing to say to your wife. Sorry but I no longer have any sympathy for these people. They go round destructing lives and childrens lives and do absolutely nothing to get themselves any help... Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: richdray on March 10, 2012, 04:02:41 PM yes i believe we are dealing with a speritul issue, more than most peaple want to beileve. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: nylonsquid on March 10, 2012, 05:47:53 PM Quote from: wrangler1217 on March 09, 2012, 11:38:42 AM My ex would definitely get the spaced out look - nothing would get through.  It was as if she could just look right through me.  I was amazed that she could say ANYTHING she wanted to and not feel any emotion.  My friends never knew what I was talking about when I would tell them about this look.  I would even tell them "I think she does this just to see me squirm."  I remember calling her a demon because when she got that look...it was like she was being possessed.  Little did I know that she was actually having an out of body type experience.  Scary stuff nonetheless... This is an accurate description of my exgf as well. I didn't realize this was dissociation. She broke up with me twice but wanted to hang out recently as friends. We ended up talking about things past as I tried to understand things. At one point she said that it can only work as friends because we have 'too much attraction'. So I fired back to see what happens knowing BPDs hate abandonment. I said very calmly and assuredly, 'well I dont think I can have you in my life'. It was a blank face and complete loss. Even as I walked her out she was walking looking so lost and didn't look like she knew where she was going. Her eyes were blood shot ref though. I don't know if she got what I said but some things that we say seem to trigger a defense mechanism or their system goes into shock mode.  Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: nylonsquid on March 10, 2012, 05:52:25 PM Oh, I also remembered her getting like that while watching the movie Melancholia. Everything seemed to be going well as we held hands (like she likes) until the character of Kristen Dunst was acting so strange at her own wedding and goes to screw a random guy in the park ruining the event. She was totally zoned out after that and let go of my hand. I had to ask her if she was okay a couple of times after the movie. Again, the red eyes and blank stare. She sort of snapped out later and criticized the director as a sexist. I think she probably has done something like this in the past which is why it bothered her so much. Self sabotage is in their nature. Anyone had something like this before? Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: Mauser on March 10, 2012, 06:02:52 PM I've seen the empty look, I've seen the darkness. What actually surprised me in the last few days-- I was looking at a number of photos of our last trip we took to the Caribbean. We had a private tour guide who took lots of pictures. There were a number of instances where pics were taken a few seconds apart, and he had a total different look. One pic was cute and adorable of us; me sitting on his lap, us looking like we were both in total bliss. However, the photographer took a pic about 5 seconds before that, as I was walking up behind my guy, and my pwBPD had this look of pure hate, loathing, and disgust on his face. This happened time and time again. Not just a 'bad picture', but where you could see the darkness and contempt- yet just moments before or after, there was tranquility and love. At the time, in real life, I didn't see it at all. Maybe he's just that good at putting on the mask at a second's notice. Dang, even my wedding pictures kind of give me the creeps. He seemed happy. He really did. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: samsara on March 10, 2012, 10:04:59 PM My exbf (and my mother as well) would get "crazy" eyes. He would be up in the middle of the night, talking to himself, usually drunk, sometimes even a bit manic from not having slept, and if I tried to get him to be quiet his eyes would dart or just go dead, staring at me as if I had grown a second head.  This was particularly bad if I was disagreeing with him about something, or refusing to validate something I just did not want to get in the middle of.  Crazy, scary, bloodshot eyes.  He never hit me, but he sure knew how to cut me with words. This was incredibly triggering for me, and probably a big part of why this r'ship took such a toll on me. My mother is a waif/witch BP/NP who would get the "crazy" eyes when she was angry with me, and would drop the tone of her voice and it would drip with sarcasm and criticism - as if she had been possessed by some sort of other worldly creature.  I can still see her face in my head when she got like that, and it still makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.   It was the intense fear of this retribution that taught me how to always "play nice" and walk on eggshells (broken glass).  I got into this dynamic with my ex... *shudder*  could spot the crazy coming from a mile away but somehow always ended up in the middle of it anyway. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: bengaltropicat on March 11, 2012, 07:01:53 AM My UBPDexh  got the black eyes, puffed up, chalky face thing going on when he had psychotic breaks.  Most of the time he was high functioning and could control the anger, physicality, etc. but when he went into the psychotic break all bets were off and I grabbed the children and ran out the door. There was no warning when the breaks could occur either so I as always on high alert.  It was very stressful. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: ellil on March 11, 2012, 07:05:32 AM I think the last time we were together what I witnessed was a psychotic break. And I think it was still happening a few days because of the unrecognizable emails he was sending that were so bizarre and so rambling which was not his style. M Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: ramble on on March 11, 2012, 07:30:37 AM Shortly after we started dating I met her mother at her grandmothers 100th birthday. I still remember the look of absolute hate/anger/loathing in her mothers eyes when we were introduced for the first and only time. My soon to be ex not formally diagnosed pwBPD spouse gets that same look in her eyes when she is on the edge. I am now pretty certain that her mother was BPD and has a result created the person I am now in the process of moving on from.  I remember saying to her that her mother's eyes were full of hatred and anger when we met. She just said "well I told you she was crazy"  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm I should have listened I guess. lol Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: jeffrey12 on March 11, 2012, 09:27:13 PM this was the case with my ex as well.. if i could read her face the expression she would put across would be outright evil and spite in her eyes. it's like in that moment all she wanted to do was hurt me. i've got my own anger issues and i rage on the odd occasion but hers was different. i can't really explain it Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: breathelife on March 12, 2012, 12:31:29 AM Jeffrey12, I understand... I have my own anger issues but his didn't make sense.  Like he wants to be mad so he makes up things to rage about to justify his feelings.  And it doesn't make any sense.  Like he's crazy. Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: dah1029 on March 12, 2012, 07:31:01 AM I've read often they make up "facts" to fit their feelings.  So he probably did find excuses for why he needed to rage at you.  Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: Applehead on March 12, 2012, 07:56:43 AM I sincerely believe that there is something demonic that we don't understand why they're given temporary and or partial control!  They, meaning BPD are perfectly constructed to lure you in and punish anyone close to them who loves them and cares about them at the same time punishing themselves!  If you're a religious person that eerily coincides with demonic forces/fallen angels assault and hatred of man.  If you read all the stories on here and by us all experiencing BPD first hand from our loved ones I sincerely believe that much of the time they have no control over their actions!  Not to get to deep but sins are passed through generations bc of original sin of Adam and Eve that we all inherited as well as through our direct family line.  I don't have all the answers but I believe something outside this world is present!  Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: T2Logan on March 12, 2012, 10:32:06 AM Quote from: rotgut on March 09, 2012, 04:10:25 PM Absolutely. Very familiar with that "demonic" look. I don't know how else to categorize it. I am agnostic and after seeing my uBPD xw's demon face a few dozen times, I strongly considered hiring a priest. I think it is the opposite of what you said. During those times the frontal (human) part of the brain goes dark and the primal/awful part lights up. I could look at mine and know with certainty, by her eyes, how bad things were going to be. All joking aside it was like she was afflicted. Like this demon would take her over and ruin both of our lives until it left, followed by numerous apologies, and sexual favors, cycle, cycle, cycle. I stayed b/c I didn't think she could control it, like she was some kind of victim. Only when my sister pointed out to me that she somehow managed to control "the demon" at work and around others, just not me, that I started to wake up.  I agree with this. The demon look that seems to stare directly into your soul and twist it in knots. I was afraid of her and what she could/would do in this state and it wouldn't go away for hours and just had to...wait it out. Generally if she raged herself to sleep she'd be ok the next morning, but until then, nothing would stop the "demon." My BPD also can control herself around friends, family, and even in the middle of a rage if she gets a phone call! "rage rage rage :;p icks up phone:: hello? Oh hi mom, yea, blah blah blah ::hangs up:: rage, rage, rage" Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: Kenazz on March 12, 2012, 10:55:42 AM I never noticed that.  However, when she would go into a rant she would say my eyes would change color or take on a very scary look.  Recently, when things got physical I decided it was time to leave. K Title: Re: When The BPD Gets Angry Their Faces Look Entirely Unrecognizable Post by: Intime on March 12, 2012, 05:14:08 PM Hi, I don't want to turn this into a religious debate or anything, but - - I always felt as though my ex was quite sinister (let me explain).  In his younger years had denounced god for letting a girlfriend of his die of cancer. He had dabbled with ouija boards - - all younger years. The 1 time we went to church together, he had the oddest look on his face and never went back - - very strange.  Always promised, but never followed  through with it. I often thought, how much of this is coming into my life.  The entire 4 years I was with him, was pure hell and bad luck for me.  I lost my job, my mother, my house, my entire savings, poor health.  I am not a religious fanatic, but a true believer of God. Could be pure coincidence, but I feel as though a heavy "ungodly burden" has been lifted, since he's been gone. My family really like him, but always said there was something strange almost odd about him---couldn't quite put their finger on it? I hear that evil can manifest in many ways, as long as there is a channel to enter! Not saying that everyone with BPD is evil or ungodly, no attacks please ( ?).  Just food for thought, no comment required - - ONLY MY OPINION.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Road to Me..............Awareness...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Road to Me..............Awareness...: I always have to understand everything before moving on.  I have to know why and from where did all of this confusion and abusiv...

The Road to Me..............Awareness...

I always have to understand everything before moving on.  I have to know why and from where did all of this confusion and abusive behavior come.

BUT once I Finally figure it all out... and that could be YEARS... I've got it.  It's over. It's finally over.  What a relief.

Then comes the peace.  And like the sign says, I can just let everything go.

And out comes the sun

So now I move on with my healing self.  I find my life anew.  My days and nights are my own and no other person on earth is able to affect my well being one way or the other.

I have new found love and respect for myself.  I take care of myself in every way, from new eating habits to more movement.  From telling myself the kindest of words to listening to others to understand and being aware and present.

I enjoy nature and my pets - friends here and others.  I love my adult children more than I can express in words - and my wonderful husband too.

One step at a time I come out of my shell and do all I can do every single day - every single moment.

Dustie my English Angora rabbit

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Using Intuition - Choice - And New Starts

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Using Intuition - Choice - And New Starts: I'm snoogy the English Angora Rabbit, but they call me  Dustie We are going tomorrow to the local nursing home and see how many smiles ...

Using Intuition - Choice - And New Starts

I'm snoogy the English Angora Rabbit, but they call me  Dustie

We are going tomorrow to the local nursing home and see how many smiles we can make happen.  It was only yesterday we were at Walmart and tens of people got a warm fuzzy feeling they didn't even know they needed when they pet him and asked all about his little life.

His fur sells for sixteen dollars an ounce, but I am saving it for spinners who make baby hats for newborns.  It is the softest fiber on earth I believe and if you felt it you would want something made from it too.

So these days instead of wallowing in the misery of the whys and the if onlys, over the abusive NM and family, I'm creating new times in my life.  It isn't hard to find harmless people out there, you just have to listen to your intuition.

Somehow the harmless part of us attracts narcissists and others, but we can discern.  If it feels confusing or makes you second guess everything, it probably isn't good - we should move on.  There's so much real love out there to be had.

People will tell us who they are, whether outright or in a covert manor - we just have to be aware of what they say and how they act.  We need to notice their reactions to our words - and not dismiss what seems unkind for a misjudgment on our part.

Those of us who were taught to put ourselves last and our feelings away, need to learn that these interactions in life are the very things that could either lead us to chaos and heartbreak or happiness and contentment.  We can either go with what is good, or cut off at the pass what is showing us to be misleading or undesirable.  It's our choice.

  

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Sh...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Sh...: With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Should Have Said it Like This.... : I should have said it more like this: Higher vibra...

There is Life after Borderline Personality Disorder

I Can see Clearly Now the Rain is Gone

Now that the clouds have cleared, I see what is to be learned from my whole experience with the BPD sister and even before her, the NM/P mother.  And it comes down to ME.  I learned about ME.  And I can keep choosing to get even better.  What they do with their own lives and the possibility of getting better is best left to them. I learned that  for once in my life, this is all about me.

The picture, here, is such a good illustration.  This is what it's like blasting through the confusion of personality disorders - finally seeing inside the seemingly unreachable place above all clouds.  And the knowing - the understanding which leaves you just standing there looking like this guy here.  Hmmm is that all. So that's what it all meant.  I need not ever get on board.  But oops, is that a bit of me I see in there?

The reading of the minds, the walking on eggshells, the navigating of false-self personalities, and enduring gaslighting and lies, arrogance, righteous indignation, punishment, and revenge is exhausting.  But, the passive aggression, and intermittent acts of kindness, followed by abuse with the giving and then taking back, and the distorted view of actual events... are just the mean expressions of the twisted world of personality disorder.  . Hence, they don't care about almost anything or anyone.  If they don't even care about their own children - why would you think you could reach them to care about anyone or anything else - beginning with themselves - It's not going to happen.

MOVING ON ... Let's talk about me.  Did I see a bit of me on that plane of insanity?  Oh yeah.  I'm the one still writing about it... trying to decipher it, trying too hard to avoid my own culpability.  I allowed them to abuse me by giving them years to 'get better' before setting boundaries to protect myself.  Who does that?  Family or not.  Who needs so desperately to reach 'loved ones' that they allow themselves to be abused?  I guess me.  But there's more. I'm not so innocent.

I can be passive aggressive.  I have a lot of trouble confronting people who have wronged me.  I spent a lifetime putting others' feelings above my own, then resenting them for abusing me.  THIS stops HERE.

I learned here with my BPD family member that a lot of those very traits, I have in past years suffered upon especially my eldest son.  I got better as the years went on  -  but, he took the brunt of it. Much of that 'nothing is enough' attitude I put onto him.  Poor kid was a challenging child, but I surely made him worse.  Feeling how I did around my BPD sister this past year, I know now that this is how I must have made that poor child feel.  I have told him a hundred times in as many different ways how sorry I am and he is so sweet and precious and forgiving, but it can't be taken away.  BPD loved ones or those with some of the traits make those they love feel useless, stupid, and unloved.  It's not what they say, it's how they make you feel. And I think I did some of this to my kids as I struggled over the years to understand all of this and get better.

I wouldn't be satisfied in saying, "I'm happy with a phone call three times a year.  That's good enough for me", and  I never was so empty that I really just didn't care about family.  Thankfully.  But in seeing this in a loved one and trying my best to get them to first be AWARE, then to learn and to love was both painful and useless.  Except for what I learned about myself.

I don't have to help my family.  I have no business being an authority on how to behave.  I see their unhappiness manifest in the hurting others and me, but it's NOT my responsibility to save them or help them or even care about how their ongoing behavior is causing pain anymore.  If I move on, it's not causing me pain - and if others do the same eventually it won't hurt them any longer either.  Very sad.

There is Life after the effects of  Borderline Personality Disorder  

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Should Have Said it Like This....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Should Have Said it Like This....: I should have said it more like this: Higher vibrational energy doesn't always feel good. When there is a substantial gap between o...

I Should Have Said it Like This....

I should have said it more like this:





Higher vibrational energy doesn't always feel good. When there is a substantial gap between our frequency and energy we encounter of a higher vibration, we may feel challenged--physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically. We can choose to see this as intensity without labeling it bad. We can allow ourselves to be nudged into more wholeness and open to a little stretching of our energy and the release that will transpire as a result of this willingness. We can allow ourselves to evolve.

~ Expect Wonderful by Meredith Murphy

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: You Try Seeing one of These Wackos Sober

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: You Try Seeing one of These Wackos Sober: The last gift.  NS can tell herself and others that sobriety was an issue in the breakup, but you all know the truth.  That one time and la...

You Try Seeing one of These Wackos Sober

The last gift.  NS can tell herself and others that sobriety was an issue in the breakup, but you all know the truth.  That one time and last time (two-day) episode ended up just the thing for a twisted mind to drown out her own ongoing everyday (sober) behavior.

Twisted even more is my kind of satisfaction in the outcome - leaving her with an excuse - being able to tell herself she is not the problem.  I thought for a year about a way out of the "relationship" with her - without her being left feeling abandoned for her being her.  This was the perfect solution.

The Precious Innocent Child

However, she knows the truth, also.  This reasoning is a surface band-aid.  The truth is bad, but not as bad or even life threatening as she thinks.  I've never seen a person so afraid - so fragile ... yet so abusive - so unattractive in my whole life.  Not even the NM.  It is so sad.  And all the NM's fault.

The child in the photograph above, is her at round four and a half years old in Athens, PA. USA.  This is the person in her that I remember and I love. This child never deserved to end up with borderline personality disorder, but all of the parts of the disorder served to get her though these formative years being abused and neglected by an NM/Psychopath.  The sad thing is, she now treats herself and others the way she was treated then.  She will not allow anyone near this authentic, innocent part of her, and does everything to push caring people away. The kinder you are to her the more unreasonable her response, whether right then or usually within subsequent days of the kindness.

I wish my sister would have gotten help at some point in her life, but unfortunately she thinks there is nothing wrong with her behavior, and as long as her conscience is clear - she's fine.

I am always working on my own issues - super conscious of my behavior - and quick to wonder if I have this or that behavioral disorder.  I'll tell you what.  I've struggled with a myriad of symptoms of a number of conditions my whole life.  It's been a very long road to recovery, which surely must have no end. Evolution is essential.  Progressive daily work and a constant, conscious effort is the only hope.

I have this wonderful, kind and patient and very gifted husband of 27 years that I think is 90 percent responsible for my success thus far.  This is enough time in one's life for the brain structure to actually be tweaked, if you will - to flex and to even grow, I believe.

I have the same heart and soul as the day he married, me but I know that I am a much better person now for the years of recovery from the abuse and neglect of the NM and family.  Without such a partner, I don't know how well I would have done - how far in recovery I could have come.  As children, we weren't offered any special education to counter act this - as young adults the same.  We were on our own with all of this, and it would have been a much more difficult road without Khaled.

That's why I tried so hard to help my sister.  I tried to share with her what I had gotten from life, but it was all so foreign to her - you could see how uncomfortable she was with my kind husband, the no walking on eggshells atmosphere, and my children who just make my face light up when they come into the room.  It's not perfect, but in comparison to what my sister and I remember from our childhood - it's heaven at my house.

She was like a duck out of water here on every visit.  Even my adult children embraced her and tried to make her feel at home and respected.  It was so obvious this wasn't really working out with her.  You could see her fighting the borderline symptoms with every normal family thing we did together.  She always took off and left not long after her arrival.

She mentioned on her last visit the ridiculous amount of pictures of my children I have all on my walls (but with a negative tone). I do have a lot of photographs.  Unlike her home - the odd few.  Like her no personality "self" her home has no style - no personality.  Once, years ago, she came to visit and mentioned then how nice we all were to each other - and I'll never forget, she added, "And I don't think it's fake".  I thought then, that was such an odd thing to say.  Why would we all be fake?  Now I get it.  She can't imagine a normal family being real.  I just find her whole situation very sad.

I'm satisfied though, with the degree to which I went to do what I could for her.  And too, the wacko way I came up with to end it all.  I showed her everyone has flaws.  I was for her as vulnerable as I ever was and she still had up those BPD walls, not willing to try to fix things with me - stating there was nothing to fix.  Her whole world is so confusing - you can see the confusion on her face most of the time.  No wonder why besides being a control freak, she's so tiered by six at night.

Moving on... Life Awaits

I guess now I can slam the door on self pity for not reaching her or helping her at all - and for anything else for which I still have self pity.  Jeesh.  It's about time.  It's time the whining stopped and the new part of this recovery begins.

Oh, yeah.  That would be for me.  That's right.  Yeah it's time for me to get some of this attention I've been wasting on her and before her my NM.  Now, my energy is going into someone who deserves my love and attention.  Sure did take me long enough to figure that one out.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Even Daddy's 24K Gold Ring wasn't Good Enough....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Even Daddy's 24K Gold Ring wasn't Good Enough....: Exactly what I Ended up Doing And it wasn't just one hurt.  For me to leave someone forever it has to be an ongoing habitual thing - a...

Good Enough isn't Good Enough...

Exactly what I Ended up Doing

And it wasn't just one hurt.  For me to leave someone forever it has to be an ongoing habitual thing - an irrevocably abusive situation.

I avoid using the word relationship because of course people who only know provocation - know nothing of how to relate.  There is no relationship.

You ask me why I would love someone with whom I had no relationship.  Simple.  They are family.  My mother.  My sisters.  And my brother.  I might venture to say, myself as well, having spent years recovering - eliminating those kinds of traits from my own personality.

Listen.  I know that if every one of them gets real love confused and has not the ability to have a real relationship, then I must be the same way.  I know that for some years I was really sick too - I only attribute life's good circumstances in my case to my long road to recovery.  I think I will be recovering until the last day of my life - it's something that can always be progressive. And something I want and always wanted.

I happen to be an empath. For them I went the extra mile every time to try to help them see that they can recover too - they can heal - they can learn what healthy love is, and finally learn to really love.

To experience real love is so wonderful. Who wouldn't want their family to know and have love?

That leads me to mention my own control issues.  I was determined to show them the error of their ways - their behavior - what their abusive behavior does - how it makes one feel.  In theory, they were supposed to see my suffering and be sorry and want to become a person -- they would stop their abusive language, distrust, provocation, and controlling/manipulation, and we would become close and love each other without walking on eggshells or the reading of minds.  In a nutshell... We could enjoy finally a functional relationship.  NOT.

When I confronted each one of these people one by one, each one resorted to trying to hurt me - a kind of tit for tat.  I wasn't playing.  I did as the sign suggests.  I walked away without anger or the desire to hurt them.  I won't likely ever return only because it's the only option for my own continued recovery.

I have a problem with having to be sure that I turned myself inside out and every which way and sideways - giving of myself and my heart from the depths of my soul before calling it finished.  Enough.  Done.  I am satisfied, now anyway, that I did everything possible to reach them before walking away.

I gave the very best of myself for my father and my one sister.  For my father it was wonderful - he, in the end loved me no matter how many times the NM told him I didn't love him and I was crazy and god only knows what else. He could feel my love - he knew what real love was and we at least could steal our times together.  I didn't have to show him love.  I only loved him and gave him the best of me. Aside from the NM backtracking to destroy it, it was wonderful.  It was enough.  My love was enough.

But for the sister.. when we reconnected, first I loved her like I did my dad and she wasn't able to understand the concept - she wasn't opening up truly - she was still brushing under the rug any feeling that felt uncomfortable. Including LOVE.  Then I tried for three years to tread lightly and gently ... trying to read her mind... walking on eggshells so not to offend her.  To no avail.  Then I allowed her to be abusive.  I was going to show her "healthy love" then. (I'm showing here my own wacko thinking right while I was supposed to be recovering) She only got worse.

Then as you all know she finally had that splitting episode while I was at her place for the week of the fence project last year, during which was the last straw.  I knew then it was beyond abusive - It was pathological borderline personality disorder to the tee.  I, and frankly, even most professionals wouldn't stand a chance to help at this point without her WANTING to get better.

By this time our "relationship" or what I know was just "our time together" was over.  The distrust, the controlling, the abusive language, and especially the anger (without provocation) had become her normal way around me.  Everything I did wasn't good enough - or said was only words and dismissed.  Whatever I gave to her wasn't enough.

I'm glad that I gave her the best of me both spiritually and literally..

I was satisfied she had Dad's gold ring whether or not it was good enough - I gave it to her freely  with all my love, and I still feel grateful for that precious moment when I was able to give it to her, and tuck it into her hands ..hold her face to mine, and kiss her.  Although, she reacted confused or maybe stunned says it best.

My heart swelled for the both of us - the three of us really.  With or without the ring, Daddy will always be with me.  His love remains in my heart.

I smile thinking that forever she will at least have that part of our father. That's a good thing.