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| Me on Left and Mary on Right at High School class Reunion |
All of us were about 53 years old. Most had about three children, all about 21, 23, and 27 years old, also. Many of us married young first, and found our soul mates with a second marriage. Some divorced with wonderful children from the marriage, and by now a really nice life. A few married in 81, finding their soul mates early on.
We all had not changed a bit from who we were in the fifth grade. Nothing to prove, our hearts were kind of all on our sleeves. Many of us really looked very much the same as we did way back then, if you can imagine! I don't know if we were seeing our faces or our hearts, but we all had the same experience. A combination of both, I'm sure.
There was the studious one who got the reunion together and kept those on the committee focused, and those social butterflies (on the committee) who made it all possible. There were all of us from out of town who drove from Harrisburg, Philadelphia, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania - and farther, to finally come together like elephants walking slowly to the very first watering hole, once again. As we stood on that mountain top at RoundTop in Athens, PA, it occurred to me that no matter how many miles and years away, we all found our way up this windy stoney mountain road.
The view was just beautiful and the colors amazing!! Our schools were below in perfect view. There we were, even our old mascot, the big white and blue bulldog for Athen's Bulldogs, who sat proudly as a part of the group picture. But, it wasn't the food, drinks, decorations, or even the mountain top that brought me to this blogpost. It was the experience of seeing myself in these others - for the first time.
We were so close from such a bond as growing up as children everyday for eighteen years that it was touching to see how similar we were, our lives, our values and our hearts.
Growing up with a Narcissistic mother and Borderline father gave me a negative worldview, but still, being with these 'kids' was often a refuge. But always different. Different than being 'home'. There was school and there was home. At home I knew I was stupid, ugly, and hated mostly, but at school there was a chance for kindness and positivity to break through. And it did.
At school I was a "tough cookie" as one classmate remembers. Always straightforward with my thoughts and opinions. Never learned much about boundaries or being tactful...(then) sometimes misunderstood,but not afraid of anything. The same guy who remembered the tough cookie described me as cute cute cute. I never once thought of myself as cute. But it was touching to hear this and to believe it - Actually being able to see it myself! Another classmate said he sat behind me for years in homeroom and always admired my long black hair. I never imagined any boy would be looking at me or my hair. But, yeah. Why not? It was beautiful, I thought to myself.
I saw in each and every one of these people such beauty that day, and I realized that what I am now seeing in myself was reflecting off others with whom I interacted. I knew about all this intellectually, but only hoped to experience it one day.
I found myself feeling anxious at only one point when one person triggered my triggers if you will. Then, I felt myself reacting like old times, speaking while my eyes are wandering anywhere but to the eyes of the person grilling me. That's what it feels like when someone even briefly or slightly reminds me of the NM. Like being grilled. Like all the truths I am speaking are going to be twisted. Like I am going to be made out to be a liar. It's an awful feeling. Yeah, so my reaction doesn't help. I look like a liar, not looking at the persons face with whom I am speaking. Or answering questions... ugh. But, I told myself to relax. Self talk, reminding myself to stay with the whole good feeling I was having. I got up and got myself some water and began speaking to another person. All the same talk, just minus the triggers. One day even the slightest trigger won't be experienced ever again.
There was nothing wrong with the person who triggered me briefly. I spoke to the person off and on the entire day just fine. Very nice and I'm sure good person. This is just all a part of the healing process. I am actually doing it. High five. Feels really nice.
This is who we are in life. The same. The same as when we were children. That precious inner child foundation will always be a part of us. When we are born, go to school, marry and have children, experience these wonderful Golden years, and finally experience our death - we are jolted back to us - to who we really are.
The day after our reunion, we lost one of ours. RIP precious classmate. We will all be there before long and until then, we Live. Missing you and the twelve others.
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