Accepting the Non-Apology

My online support group girlfriends posted the idea:

What if you learned to accept the apology you never got?

When you think about this seemingly little question in the form of a tiny sentence, you almost ponder a moment, smile, agree, and move on.

But, then, I realized.... Wait.

That little sentence encapsulates what I have been trying to articulate in about 20 blog posts - so much for my writing skills... not to mention the emotional stumbling that gets me off track from the root concept - seems almost EVERY SINGLE TIME.  But I digress.

We have to accept that we likely will never get that apology and that must be okay.  The person who has wronged us so often and so profoundly will likely never grow past the point they have been emotionally for their entire lives. If they ever do mange this feat, they will become aware.  And it is only at that point that all of their ill will come back to confront them - and if they have done the work - they couldn't keep from apologising.  This is rare among people with certain pathological conditions.

So many of us are conditioned to realize at the moment of being wronged, that it will never be made right - the wrongdoer will never apologize and it has to be okay from the start.  We just know it's preposterous that they should ever have to apologize - and we frankly aren't deserving .

We are empaths, some have been victims - BUT many of us now are survivors and have found healing.  In this place, you just don't require the apology - it just doesn't matter.  It actually IS okay.

The simple truth is:  If you apologize to someone and they don't accept, it could be for a myriad of reasons, mostly not having to do with you.  Some people who are healing, don't really want to be so vulnerable as to accept - that's taking a risk they are not able to add to their already full plate.

On the other hand... the flip side of this coin if you will ....

To accept an apology, you must be able to be vulnerable enough to take it - to understand that people aren't perfect, and this person likely will somehow hurt you again - and that has to be okay.  It's about intention - and you can't force a person to understand the difference between intention and ill will.

People who aren't well, expect others to be mind-readers and imagine what it is that will offend them - and that if they fail - they are not only wrong -but that they are unsafe.  Trying to apologize to a person in this position is like talking to the wall.  That's why in many cases silence is golden.  And if this person isn't interested in growing, listening or learning - Moving on is really often times the best thing to do. Without anger.

For us in recovery, we joyfully get this - for those still unaware,  it's still never too late

Someone who doesn't trust themselves and their own feelings, will not even be interested in intention. These people are so damaged that they cannot get beyond their own minutia of "feelings", deeds and misdeeds, wants and needs.  Nothing can ever be enough for this person - even THEY are not enough as they criticize themselves as harshly as they do others. 

My buddy, Dustie

I just got a word of appreciation today from someone I truly admire and care for - She said I made HER day.

She makes my day more days thank I can count here - It was so special coming from her.  I sat here at the computer where a soft smile and a full feeling bubbled up from the pit of my stomach as sweet tears came down my cheeks.

The sweetest, smallest gestures are always what get me ...  Life. It's such a good thing.  Good to be alive.  Good to be healing, feeling, hearing and seeing, and understanding.

I thought for a brief moment ... what's wrong with me that I can't just tap "Like" and move on.  No,  I have to get so touched and feel so much appreciation.  But then I thought again.. it's okay.  It's me. And it's life.