With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Valued Loved Wanted.... Terrific......

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Valued Loved Wanted.... Terrific......: It feels so wonderful to feel loved and wanted.  To be the wife of a caring husband, and the mother of three beautiful adult children. ...

Valued Loved Wanted.... Terrific......

It feels so wonderful to feel loved and wanted.  To be the wife of a caring husband, and the mother of three beautiful adult children.

It is precious beyond description how Khaled loves me and the children.  How he plans all of his days around all of us and our needs is something that makes me feel warm, soft and content.

To know that no matter what, I could set my clock by my husband's arrival is a comfort I rarely think about.  It just always was this way with him.

Opening my heart and soul to this man in my most vulnerable condition is something I treasure, knowing that at anytime of the day or night I can entrust him with my inner most thoughts.  And he with me.

I can get up in the middle of the night and decide to have a pajama party with my visiting daughter when Khaled is sleeping without worrying about an outburst or any discomfort what so ever.  I can live and let live in my own home without EVER walking on eggshells.

If I want to know something or what someone is thinking, I am free to ask - unpunished.  If they need to know something about me, they ask and I tell them without becoming negative and dismissive.

People aren't dismissed in my home.  Nor are they cursed or cursed at - NEVER.   Visitors aren't told what they can and cannot do in my home.  They are welcome to eat or drink anything in my home.  People are not required to pay for their food when visiting here.  If I ask someone to go for a ride with me or even as far as a 1500 mile trip - If I asked them to ride along - I DO NOT require them to pay for their half of the gas.

If I give something to someone, I don't take it back - or worse, suddenly expect them to pay for the item.

If something breaks in my home when a person visits, I don't give them the third degree about how it could have broken.  If someone I love tells me something, I believe them - especially if they insist they are telling the truth.

I don't treat friends and family like idiots - explaining how to use a gas stove, gas grill, dog leash etc.  I on the other hand, do all I can to make you comfortable, wanted, and at ease.  I don't dismiss you and your thoughts or comments.  I don't take offense and imagine negativity.

I am comfortable in my home all the time.  If  (I) invite you, YOU will be comfortable here also.  That's just the way we roll.

My experience with my Borderline / Psychopath family of origin was always as described above.  Very negative. Dismissive. Angry - Rageful.  AWFUL.

I just can't describe how wonderful it feels to be rid of all of that negativity.  To be able to dance around my house day or night.  To awaken anyone and it being okay.  No problem.  We live here.  We do what we want when we want with whom we want.

We are respectful, but not oppressed, walking on eggshells in FEAR and a Negative Headlock.

There is a difference between having RESPECT and being in FEAR.

Ditch the fear and keep the respect - for yourself and for others.  Enjoy yourself and your company.  Live in your own home.  Breathe a cleansing breath anytime you like.  Do as you please, and don't do to please.

LIVE AND LET LIVE  VALUED LOVED and WANTED

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: How One Feels During the Devaluation Process....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: How One Feels During the Devaluation Process....: Ah yes, the devaluation process and how it makes one feel, being the recipient. I was being devalued for about 8 months before I walked...

How One Feels During the Devaluation Process....

Ah yes, the devaluation process and how it makes one feel, being the recipient.

I was being devalued for about 8 months before I walked away from my last borderline.

You know it has arrived when your Borderline begins passive aggressively letting you know that you have become the enemy.  You have gone from angelic, intelligent, and ALL good - to worthless, stupid, untrustworthy, and resented.

They transcend from passive aggressive to micro managing controlling monsters, and onto just plain overbearing in your face provokers and complainers.

When that doesn't get a rise out of you, they storm around the place screaming under their breath, cursing your very existence.  They actually think you cannot hear them.  Borderlines are delusional.

You are now someone the borderline must convince themselves needs to be first punished (usually for a kindness which is interpreted as too close for comfort) and then eliminated.  Oh, not to worry, you will be called back when the borderline cycles back to wanting you - needing you - having to have you somewhere in their life.

It feels confusing.  It feels really bad.  You find yourself at first, and for quite a while walking on eggshells to please their every thought and mood.  Inevitably, you fail as it is impossible to read their mind - and even if you could - what you do to improve things for them and the "relationship" will be misconstrued by the borderline and you will be further punished.

If you have been totally honest with them, they will invent in their own minds something that you did or said to them that was dishonest.  You can have the FBI and CIA here to explain they are mistaken and they will remain steadfastly sure you are now untrustworthy.

When in the relationship you discover that you cannot tell them everything that is on your mind or is happening, even, because of their overblown reactions, you know something is gravely amiss.  When you notice yourself withholding certain things from them just to avoid them reading into and inventing negativity, you are dealing with a big problem.  You can't keep telling yourself that it's going to get better when they stop over reacting.  That never happens.  In fact, as the relationship grows, they become worse.

If you have made the mistake of sharing incidental things with them and suffered the resulting wrath from their ridiculous reaction, you feel deflated and abused.  You feel like you cannot respond because it will only make them worse and abuse you more.  If you do, they will tell you how stupid you are, how worthless you are, and how annoyed they are that because of you such and such "could" possibly happen - and THAT would be disastrous to them.  Of course no such thing ever happened or would have - these folks are really ill.  You begin to feel sick, yourself if you remain much longer.

The only person who remains, leaves, and then returns is someone who is co-dependent with issues of their own.  Somehow this borderline meets some need in them.  If things are feeling like this for you.  Do yourself a favor and find peace by getting out and finding yourself.  Find out why you spent time being abused by this borderline - and do whatever it is you need to do to fix this in yourself.

I've been doing just that for many years now, and believe me it is worth it knowing what make us choose sick people and what it is about us that attracts them.  Then doing everything possible to change that about me.  It's been a long, long road.

If it weren't for my normal husband and children, I don't know where I would be with all of this now.  But I know one thing - if I were really sick, I would have pushed them all away.  And we are all still here - so it is possible to get better, be better, and stay better.

But that's how it feels when the devaluation period of the borderline begins.  I need to write a post about how it feels to be free of so much negativity.  How it is to never EVER have to walk on eggshells, read minds, or be berated and cursed.

It's WONDERFUL.

Do yourself a favor and GET OUT of your borderline relationship.  It feels great!

A Reader asked how to walk away from the Borderline mother....

I was asked about how to walk away from a borderline mother. Tough one. As I mentioned in the post, if your borderline is a family member, it's even more difficult.

Walking away is the safest most healthy decision IF the borderline in your life isn't your mother. My mother is a Narcissistic Psychopath (I know redundant), and so along with having no choice but to go NC, it doesn't matter to HER because she literally doesn't and cannot care. But, the Borderline cares :(

The borderline mother is an infant in constant need which can NEVER be good enough or satisfied. Walking away from her seems cruel since you would never do this to a baby. Especially your own mother - who could do such a thing?... 

You have to. She will care but her caring fluctuates and you can never keep up with her cycling anyway. Take comfort in the times in her cycling that she is devaluing you. That will be almost always anyway. 

See to it that she has basic needs met - stay as NC as possible. Become the robot she was raising you if you must see her briefly. If she wants help and you can afford it - pay for it for her. Don't however get involved. It is very unusual that a borderline would really want to get better for the right reasons and then actually attempt it and further - Actually DO it. Nearly impossible especially if the borderline is over 45.

Take care of yourself first now. Be respectful. Keep your boundaries. Ditch the fear. Know that it doesn't matter if she loves you - because to her she hasn't learned what to do with feelings of love yet. She still only demands, provokes, and complains. And pushes others away.

Know that everything she thinks and feels isn't real. So everything she tells you isn't probably true or reality based. That may be the best advice here for you. 

It doesn't matter what really is or was - she will refuse to see it EVER. Let go of what could have been. Nothing else could ever have been because your mother is a borderline. 

Go on with what still can be for YOU. I hope this helps some. Hugs, kat