I remember sitting in my new Subaru in the driveway of my dad's new home in 1979. The radio was playing The Cat's in the Cradle. I knew this was him exactly, but then at the time I didn't know it was because of my NM's influence. I thought to myself, I would NEVER ignore him. I would try and try and try to reach him and touch his heart whenever I could, then, AND in his old age.
And I kept that promise. I never forsook him. I have no regrets there. But it was 35 years of torture and work being lied about by the NM, and constantly backtracking to repair the lies. I would NEVER want to have to do it again - but, for him... I have to say I could see myself doing a lot of it. I loved him.
Thirty five years of cards, letters, books, movies, and tapes - thrown out, lost, destroyed. Never reached him. I made special trips to him to deliver personally gold and his wardrobe (which I always bought) to make sure he really got the items. And to be with him and see him smile - listening to his stories and infectious laugh. The three hour ride was a 6 hour driving day for the kids --- with new babies and all... it wasn't easy. But, still he was worth it.
After some conversation and dinner he would go to bed. Then the NM would bring out the big guns and begin devaluing the Egyptians, Palestinians, my husband, me, my kids, my siblings, my father... you name it. I was a fool and stayed always late into the night. Driving home with sleeping children at three in the morning.
The golden child though was always spoken of in a Royal Light. NM made this homeless drug addict, alcoholic, thief, sound like a queen living in paradise. Her un-kept and untrained children covered in mud - carrying knives at two - eight years old, were made out to be absolute angels. NM went on and on and on about how wonderful they all are - just to see my confusion and wonderment.
Meanwhile my children were right there in her home visiting - clean, dressed in new, pressed clothes, behaving and loving. But NM didn't even hold or kiss them. Hell, forget that. She didn't even acknowledge their presence - except to insist they eat outside.
But those days are so far behind me now. And I know now what and who NM is - This makes all the difference. All the past hurt and confusion is finished now and answered. Understood.
Just knowing that I'm guaranteed NO future hurt from the NM is liberating. I still have the last half of my life left to live with my precious husband and adult children in our lives. All devoid of negativity, drama, and lies from the NM. It is like the best promise ever to know this.
So how is that a believing and forgiving heart suffers so much??? Made such a fool??? I never understood that - but there is another side. On the other side of the lies, cruelty, and drama, is understanding, awareness, and hope. That is hope without any part of the NM.
