With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Babies are so Beautiful....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Babies are so Beautiful....: Babies are so Beautiful Just think of the innocence of those two little ones. The fresh new blank slates ready to receive all that co...

Babies are so Beautiful....

Babies are so Beautiful

Just think of the innocence of those two little ones.

The fresh new blank slates ready to receive all that comes upon them.

One as precious as the other in every way, you think as they lay resting so sweetly.  You wonder what kind of life is in store for them - if they both have kind, patient, empathetic teachers.  You hope that the majority of their days will be much the same as this day seems to be.  You take a moment and breathe in the quiet, still, and soft feeling of peace. And all at the same time, gratitude washes over the scene. 

But, then, for those of us who were raised by narcissists and sociopaths, we can't help but think -- How could anyone do evil deeds to either of these???  How could anyone ever intentionally destroy their brain chemistry... and laugh, satisfied, as they watch them struggle to grow?  You think only for a moment these thoughts, but then you remember you have the choice to dismiss them now.  To wonder no more. 

You can choose to return to the image above, instead, and know that surely these two will not suffer the same fate.

I wonder, though, when I will be able to enjoy a moment as in the photo above without the creeping memories of the monstrous NM.

But NOT Checking Out

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: A smile from me to you.....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: A smile from me to you.....: Beautiful Life Life's sweetest moments.... A Gift for you from my arsenal of Faith, Hope, and Love.... Happy Sunday * ...

A smile from me to you.....

Beautiful Life






Life's sweetest moments....

A Gift for you from my arsenal of Faith, Hope, and Love....

Happy Sunday * 

I See You

Puppies.....Too Cute 

Bye Bye

Possibilities

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Thanks World for all the Smiles .....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Thanks World for all the Smiles .....: My Friend Buck from Holland This little guy and a many others just like him from all over the world put a lot of smiles ...

Thanks World for all the Smiles .....

My Friend Buck from Holland

This little guy and a many others just like him from all over the world put a lot of smiles on my face over the last couple of years.

During the mourning process there were days when the laughs I got from them really made the difference between doing nothing and doing something.

I think it's amazing how using this media source we can heal and grow with others from everywhere at anytime.

No one makes a more Pathetic face than does the Bulldog

And there's Nothing cuter than a Spotted pup in a Painted Wagon

Children and Animals....Always bring a Smile

My Great Nephew in Egypt

Life ..... It's a good thing.....Glad to be back :)

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Here's to Being back on Course....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Here's to Being back on Course....: It is natural to Believe - and it is learned to not believe.  It is learned to undo good things  which we were endowed.   But when life...

Here's to Being back on Course....

It is natural to Believe - and it is learned to disbelieve when we allow others' negativity affect our own perceptions.

But when life slows long enough for us to take pause... we see what we have allowed.  It is then that we discover what it is that we need to do to reverse the actions which got us to our present condition.  It is then that we discover CHOICE.  In thought, in speech, in understanding, in people, we have the choice to, accept, encourage or decline.

Life began innocently, and used to be so simple.  It is in that simplicity that we find  who we are, and the joy in our surroundings.

And you can see how this sheep is enjoying the moment here. The touch from this little girl is gentle on his face, as he takes in who she is from how she smells.  Harmless comes to mind.

The Hands that Shaped the World

We........... Believe - Trust - Hope - Understand.....then and now.

Here's to being back on course...........

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Playing Catch Up.... Emotionally... It's a Good Th...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Playing Catch Up.... Emotionally... It's a Good Th...: Fabulously Frenchie This could be me at the same age ...doing the same thing.  Caring for all the neighborhood dogs.  She even looks ju...

Playing Catch Up.... Emotionally... It's a Good Thing...

Fabulously Frenchie

This could be me at the same age ...doing the same thing.  Caring for all the neighborhood dogs.  She even looks just like I did then.  Her confidence and 'tough cookie' stance commands the scene.  For me at this age, it would have been before life took what makes this photo so grand.

This girl could either take that attitude with her in life, and learn as she grows into herself - Or it could get lost after being smashed to smithereens.

Either way, if she goes back to this place within herself, she can recover that birthright at any time.

Everything, she will find, is exactly as she left it - at some emotional stage of growth.  As an adult, the growing from that point is accelerated so one really can catch up within a decent time period.  Underneath that self that was smashed to smithereens, one finds this confident, resilient soul just waiting to be recovered.

For me, I did go back, and I did find that little girl - still confident, still resilient, still waiting to be found.  It was all a part of my emotional healing.

Children can be the Greatest Teachers in Life

Growing up at 52 is amazing... It's worth it - it's a good thing.  This part of the process took the last three years to complete - and for everybody this would be different.  It would have really been great had I been able to do this earlier in life, but it's freeing to finally be here now.

I was able to limp along emotionally throughout my life with the aid of my healthy husband and his family.  I never stopped searching and trying to learn more about human behavior, and how I could become a better person though.

I think my natural gifts that weren't lost are what saved my children from the destruction I went through.  I love them so much.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Only as far as I Seek I can Go.....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Only as far as I Seek I can Go.....: For what I am - I try to be more.  I believe that anything is possible and the possibilities are endless. My father told me on his de...

Only as far as I Seek I can Go.....

For what I am - I try to be more.  I believe that anything is possible and the possibilities are endless.

My father told me on his deathbed that although it is a clechet', Time is Short.  It was like he suddenly found himself at the end of a seventy-five year quest for meaning, love, and understanding.  It was as if the rubber was meeting the road when I saw everything and everyone who kept him from living, fall away - one by one.  It was beautiful, frightful, wonderful, awful, joyful, and awesome all at the same time.  Witnessing his impending death was both a gift and a gash in my heart.  I saw him laboring so intensely to exit, that the memory of childbirth came to mind. It was obvious, then, the resemblance - The pain - The suffering - The blessing - The miracle -  The pending reward.

I Believe that Allah is the most Just - and since it is true... I know that my precious father will find some comfort now.  I am trusting in Allah that my broken heart which longs for him will somehow ... one day find.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: No Expectations.... Live and Let Live....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: No Expectations.... Live and Let Live....: Add caption The act of breathing is a wonderful thing.... And we don't expect to be able to take another breath - we just breat...

No Expectations.... Live and Let Live....

Add caption

The act of breathing is a wonderful thing....

And we don't expect to be able to take another breath - we just breathe.

We can Believe that something Wonderful is about to Happen without Expectations.....

Don't pen us up and hurt our ears in order to amuse humans....Thank you

I have a wish to one day swim with the dolphins who are free to do as they please off the coastal waters....  I would love to connect with them and their wonderful gifts.

I believe that I will one day get to spend some time with these precious beings.  They are all over the Seas in Egypt where we soon will be retiring.   Then would be the perfect time to enjoy these guys.

Free to be Me

Here we have children being children ... as children will be the world over.

This photograph put a smile on my face - I thought it would do the same for you...

Children, happiness, togetherness, life...  

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Hands that Rocked the Cradle...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Hands that Rocked the Cradle...: So many stories...So many deeds... The hands that rocked the cradle - The hands that planted the field - The hands that gathered t...

The Hands that Rocked the Cradle...

So many stories...So many deeds...

The hands that rocked the cradle - The hands that planted the field - The hands that gathered the kindling - The hands that cured the sick - The hands that cooked the nourishment - The hands that guided the family - The family that lived in the village - The village that raised the child - The child that changed the World.....

So many Deeds....So many Deeds....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Power in Weakness....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: The Power in Weakness....: Let your Light Shine                                                                               Capture the moment as the shinin...

The Power in Weakness....

Let your Light Shine

                                                                             

Capture the moment as the shining white, blue, and yellow rays warm your soul.

And....

Trust a gentle touch in the darkness of life, for there is such power in the subtlest gestures.

You are Welcome

The Beautiful things in Life

This lamb will provide the wool to make hundreds of hats such as the one donned here.  And he will be loved and well taken care of over those years.

The person loving this lamb is likely from a family who love him unconditionally as is the norm in Mongolia.  The very close family life they share hasn't changed in hundreds of years.

English Angora Rabbit

The Rabbit above will provide wool for humans, also...

Even in the West we still enjoy the art of spinning wool for fine warm clothing.  This rabbit will also be loved and cared for over his lifetime as he gives his wool every four months.  It can be taken right from the rabbit as he lay sleeping on the owner's lap - or it can be sheared like the little lamb above.

Sometimes the softest of things in life hold the strongest bonds.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: One Day I will be able to put Into Words what Simm...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: One Day I will be able to put Into Words what Simm...: Yesterday I was talking with a person who found fault with my love for animals, when there is so much human suffering in the world.  I li...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Coming out Again.... Life was Waiting all Along.....

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Coming out Again.... Life was Waiting all Along.....: Life.  It's a Good Thing. Well, I'm finally coming out of the house and into society, after six years of near total isolation. I star...

Coming out Again.... Life was Waiting all Along....

Life.  It's a Good Thing.

Well, I'm finally coming out of the house and into society, after six years of near total isolation.

I started first shopping for a few items one day every week or every other week depending on my strength.  Then I began volunteering at the local animal shelter one to two days a week.

All along I've been wanting to enjoy friends again, but I knew getting stronger was first on the agenda.

All this time I lost touch with most of my friends, but one never let me go completely.  She never forgot me.  She wondered about me for the years I was in bed and hoped that she would see me again.  She called me many times over the years, while still giving me my space and time to do whatever it was I had to do to get better.

She invited me out so many times over the past couple of years since I've been out of bed, getting to this point - and I wasn't ready.  She was so wise to understand that I was still working on this whole thing, and she didn't ever get insulted.  She just knew that if I were well, and myself again, I would not decline so many invitations.  She knew it had nothing to do with how I felt about her, and for that I was hoping against hope.

Depression is a monster - a life threatening monster.  They say that it is actually anger turned inward.  So, I made it my business when I decided to live two years ago, to rid myself of the anger that was making me sick.  I believe that it is true about depression being from anger - because ever since I've really gotten it out of my mind, heart, and life - I've been better.  Now it's all about getting my weakened body back up to par, but that's happening.  The resiliency of the mind and body actually is amazing.

I feel like this is my last chance in life to choose life.  It may be the first time in my life I'm actually 'choosing' life, and so many other things.  I choose what I allow myself to ponder... what I think about.... and what I want in my mind.  I choose what I want in my life now, and harmful, negative things are no longer a part.  The thoughts for me are a major life change - the choosing of my thoughts.  This has freed up so much space in my mind, and I notice much more available energy.

Choosing life, and to have friends, enjoy the time, and use my energy for good, at fifty-two sounds normal to me... The years before fifty got me here.  This is the moment in life that matters.  The here and now.  A friend of ours died at 40 yesterday.  Nobody ever expected his sudden death.  That puts things into perspective real fast.

 
Coming out is a big step for me, and I can't think of a better way to do it than to spend some time with this dear friend.

But Not Shutting Down

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Realness and Intention... We Know it When we See I...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Realness and Intention... We Know it When we See I...: Horses Know Sugar When They See It Horses Know Sugar When They See It - and you know what ...So do we.  We all instantly can recogni...

Realness and Intention... We Know it When we See It....

Horses Know Sugar When They See It

Horses Know Sugar When They See It - and you know what ...So do we.  We all instantly can recognize realness.  If we listen to our natural gift of intuition, it will tell us what is real and what is not.  This comes from our gut and either settles in our heart or keeps bouncing off from it - making a racket until we finally Hear.

Sometimes the message that something isn't good is stronger than a racket in your heart.  When it's potentially dangerous to continue an interaction, often even the tiny hairs on the back of our neck will rise in voluntarily.  Much like prey reacts to the predator - this is a visceral, intuitive-reaction.

I'll Never Steer You Wrong

Don't second guess yourself.  If it feels good - it's harmless.  If it feels confusing, strange, bad, or worse, like you are the only one who understands this person and you can bring out the goodness in him/her - it is likely a negative person and or situation.  So like my dad used to say, "Don't walk away.  Run!!"  He also used to say, "I'll never steer you wrong, Sue."

Friends Trust Contentment

I guess it's that I learned so much about trust and love from my father.  It was all of what I did not learn from the NM.  I latched onto those positive moments with him so tightly that his kindness was my only saving grace for any kind of real future.  Besides Allah, it is he I have to thank for attracting such a wonderful husband and raising three really precious children.

It is he who planted the seed of self worth and self love in my heart so long ago - and who tended to it once again for good measure on his deathbed.

Dad was a huge proponent of realness and intention.  I'm sure now it was because he was constantly dealing with narcissism and psychopathy.  He wanted me to know how to decipher through bullshit and see what was real in life.

He would have agreed that Horses Really do Know Sugar when they See It and So do We....

I miss you Daddy.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Sweet Dreams.... I Dream of Living my Life Until ...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Sweet Dreams.... I Dream of Living my Life Until ...: Sweet Dreams What did I dream of before the age of five?  How about before ten?  Fifteen?  Twenty?  And how have my dreams changed sinc...

Sweet Dreams.... Of Living Life Until Death....

Sweet Dreams

What did I dream of before the age of five?  How about before ten?  Fifteen?  Twenty?  And how have my dreams changed since then?

That my grandfather didn't die.  That he would come back.  Before five... to stay in the countryside with my sweet doggie neighbor friends and the farm with the cows.  To spend more time with daddy fishing at the pond at the bottom of the hill.  Not to get stung by a wasp.  To get to eat chocolate cake and strawberry jam sandwiches.

To pass from one grade to another.  To get a favorite teacher ... to have no school on snow days.

To get my period and become beautiful like my sister.  To have a boy friend.  To have a dog, horse, and lots of love and affection from family.  To fit in.

To graduate from high school.  To get a job.  To meet and marry a dream person.  To be loved and accepted.  To be understood.  To fit in.

**************************************************************************************

After that it was always the wanting to find and be loved.  Wanting my first husband to love me.  Wanting my in-laws to love me.  To fit in.  Wanting my mother to love me and stop lying about me to my father.  Wanting my father to see through her lies - to see me - that I was always the me he knew from the start.  Wanting to be better than my siblings so that the NM could find fault in someone else.  Wanting to be the golden child.  Wanting to be accepted.

Then it was wanting to divorce that first husband who never did love me.  To leave the in-laws behind (who never did love me either).  Wanting to find love - to be loved by my primary family and the world somehow.

Then it was to feel forever as wonderful as the love Khaled had for me made me feel.  To marry him and have a child.  To have healthy children.  To NOT make the same mistakes my father made and to not be a cruel mother.  To love them and be loved by them and by Khaled and by my new in-laws.  And I was.  It was wonderful.  However, I was still pining for the love of the NM and fighting for the love and attention of my father.  Still wanting to fit in.  Still holding out hope.  Maybe my example of how I loved my children would show them how to love me.  Still dreaming.

Then it was to get through the years of elementary school, middle school, and high school with an ADHD child and two other children.  To not kill this child and to show him how much I loved him without destroying that love with my frustration.  To not let it show that the other two were such a joy since the challenge I was faced with was obvious.  To make enough money to please the children with things and activities beyond Khaled's budget.  To keep chasing NM's love, buying for her, sending for her, (everything was tinged by her) - all while raising her grandchildren she couldn't care less about.  Dreaming that one day she would become the loving grandmother for them that her mother was for me.  Never giving up that hope.  Never giving up on them - especially my father for who by then I felt mostly empathy.  Still dreaming to have a real relationship with him without the NM involved.  Just a dream.

Then it was all about freeing myself of the NM and a hundred and fifty extra pounds - and give my children more of me.  Going back to college.  Graduating from University with a BA degree.  The children's graduations... Those dreams all came true :)  But the NM was working her way back in.

Later I dreamed of surviving a four - six year depression.  A final dream of dying.  Then a dream of living long enough to tell my dying father goodbye - or at least to die in the same year.  Then I dreamed of fulfilling his dream for me.  To get better.  To go home and take care of that family.  My family.  The one who loves me and always did - the ones who watched me chase him and the NM all their lives - the ones who deserve my love and kind heart.  The ones who protect and care for my heart - my children and my husband, the greatest love of all.  Fitting in.

I now dream to once again shed those pounds... to live every moment......to see and hear everything that is happening around me.... to understand and to be patient, slow to become frustrated. To remember what matters and what is trivial.  To know what is life and what is not.  To know what is love and what is opposite.  To know NM kind of people when I see them and to politely steer clear of them, trusting my intuition knowing what I know, and NOT looking back.  To trust and to believe.  I dream of living life until I die.  

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Passive Aggression...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Passive Aggression...: The Sweet Leading the Precious Well, it is worth it to talk about passive aggression today.  Dealing with NM's we learned it was the mo...

Passive Aggression...

The Sweet Leading the Precious

Well, it is worth it to talk about passive aggression today.  Dealing with NM's we learned it was the most clever way to get by in a Narcissistic family.  But as healthier adults we learn that using passive aggression only feeds into the negativity.  We KNOW that we do not want to become our NMs.

The following is all I went through dealing with my mom, and most recently, the last primary NM family member with whom I was still in contact.  I knew this last person showed no evidence of real feelings, but I had the grandiose idea that I could pour my love all over her and somehow infuse her with what she never got as a child.  I wanted to be an example for her even after she told me that unconditional love just makes her feel like a freak.  Kindness in other families makes her feel bad about her own neglect, she said, even when I told her that it has been an example for me. 

I tried to share with her the work I've put into discovering my self worth after having suffered the same abusive childhood as she.  I offered her so much love, forgiveness, patience, even things... Anything I thought might touch her - I gave to her.  Still, I wasn't enough.  It wasn't enough.  When I gave her something valuable, or did something kind, she ALWAYS punished me.  And when I confronted her with behaviors I just could no longer allow, she denied everything, tried the gaslighting, and then removed me as the following article so elegantly describes.  

But first, the most interesting part of the article to me was the giving and then the taking away - I SO got that treatment over and over from her. But I tried really hard to make excuses for this behavior every time.  It puzzled me.  It was as if the taking away of something really special "given" was a pleasurable event to her.  I was always surprised at how she could possibly do such a thing.  But now I see it's all part of the dance.  Sick.  It always came with a sort of 'duping delight' grin.

The thing about her that puzzled me the most was the underlying ANGER that radiated from her every move, word, even every breath.  It was extremely oppressive.  I was hoping to get to the bottom of it and help her get better, but man.  I'm no doctor, magician, or prophet.  No Can Do.  Read the article and see if this is familiar to you too....

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Passive Aggressive Behavior: A Form of Covert Abuse

By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide

See More About:

• passive aggressive behavior
• abusive relationships
• identifying abuse

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Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:

Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

• Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.
• Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
• Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.
• Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
• Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."
• Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you bywithholding sex.
• Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
• Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
• Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.