Family of Borderlines - Headed by Psychopath "mother" the NM. How it played out during father's death .... Still some of us will choose recovery....Baby Steps but Steps just the Same...

Just wook at me - I can make you smile now

I was thinking about my sisters and the NM - deciphering the last few pieces of the puzzle.  You know, the at nauseum of whys and hows to the way all of us have grown or not grown over the years.

My poor father seems to always enter that thought pattern when these other three come to mind.  The one sister and NM are so much alike it's scary - and the other sister has every single trait for BPD which is scary on it's own.  Her rage and anger scares me, and the others' cunning manipulation and anything for greed is something that should scare everyone else.

All three share one trait - CONTROL.  The NM (narcissistic mother) and CN (covert narcissistic) eldest sister are not angry because they have shallow feelings - but the BPD younger sister is very angry.  And when losing control or perceiving some kind of abandonment, it borders on rage.

The eldest sister's victims are wealthy elderly for whom she trolls at church - and the community at large (as was when she defrauded Habitat for Humanity) in 2004-2005 in Key Largo, Florida (documented in local newspaper).  NM's victims are family members - and 'friends, and BPD sister doesn't troll for victims - people victimized by her are so without her full intention.  That's very sad, mostly for her.

The four family members with empathy, and not afraid of showing our vulnerability would happen to be two BPDs and me (also have BPD traits) and my brother (also having BPD traits).  When my father was being tortured to his death by the NM, it was my brother who finally stood up to her.  BPD sister and CN sister watched for weeks, one unwilling, and the other unable to help him. Remember, I was not there because the NM kicked me out of the family the year before, during his illness.  I was in Pennsylvania and they all were in Florida.  I was kicked out during final visit for asking about his illness.  How about that.  NM told me not to mention his illness around Dad because "He can get VERY negative".  To others she told I upset my father.  To me she told "You do what I say or you can LEAVE".   To him she told I was leaving because I was angry about an unrelated issue (also a stupid made up lie).

At a time in my father's illness when my brother hadn't yet moved to Florida, both the BPD sister and the CN sister left him in the time of his most need as he begged one of them to stay.  They did this they said to visit their ex-husbands.  Both of them!  Both of them knew he was close to death and could have died before their return.  He was begging not to be left alone at the hands of the NM.  They did not care.  Or I guess they couldn't care might be a more fair thing to say. But this is all pathology.  Not absolute character flaws.

I was at the time in a dark depression flat on my back in my bed, and had been for a year - since being kicked out.  In all of this I was heavily medicated and on the verge of the bilateral pulmonary emboli, which eventually was diagnosed with a week's stay in hospital.  I thought I could be looking at both my father's death and my own in the same time - and frankly, this came to a very close reality.  I too, didn't care.  But, in my case I didn't care about me.

As it was, a week after I was released from the hospital, my father sent for me to come to say goodbye on his deathbed against the NM's wishes.  And if it weren't for BPD sister's heart and intelligence, I would never have gotten that chance.  She contacted me.  And it wasn't all that easy either.  But, she persisted.  She cared.  Here's where her true colors shown.  I will be forever grateful to her.

Once I arrived in Florida, I insisted to not see NM and if she found out I was there - to NEVER be alone with her. BPD sister said this was petty of me.  It was beautiful seeing my father.  The most precious, loving father-daughter reunion ever, and our hearts were bursting on my arrival at his bedside.  Holding him and kissing him - forgetting for a moment, or just not caring that my sisters were in the room - hovering at the doorway - staring  at us quizzically. For all they knew from the NM I harbored hatred for him, and I don't know what she told them he felt about me.  But Dad and I knew the truth.

Still, NM did find out of my arrival and threw a FIT.  But I stuck to the plan and escaped her lies and manipulations.  And she couldn't tell the rest of the family a bunch of lies about me for the first time in my life. It was perfect.  Only, her very presence after discovering I was there - made me literally ill.  I was weak to begin with, and her negativity and glare, along with the CN (covert narcissist) sister's joining in, shunning me, (two peas in a pod) was a damper to our goodbye experience which lasted three days.

No one should feel as I did on meeting their father for the last time.  Hands dripping with sweat - that just will NOT dry up for the entire three days.  Heart racing - insomnia - no sleep the whole three days and nights there - unable to even eat more than a mouthful or two.   All the while being shunned by the CN sister and damaged brother and his wife.

I was stripped and destroyed by the NM the year before, having finally after nearly 50 years she'd gotten me to cry uncle and lay down to die. It seemed she FINALLY was able to take my father's love away from me.  Her life's work was complete, SHE THOUGHT.  And I wondered too.  It was an awful thing.  Awful.  The thing she threatened all our lives - seemed to have come true on that last kick-out.  Only then, he wise to her, unbenounced to me.

But the brother, his wife, and the NH sister still believed NM's lies.  Even the BPD sister believed much of what she conjured up - and dismissed my sincere desire to NOT see her the entire time - and NOT go into her home for any reason.  It was an uncomfortable time staying at the BPD sister's place. Although she did open her home to me when others would not. While she slept, I cried all night long.  I wasn't surprised about her emotionally bankrupt non reaction.

My father knew I was the only one who ever really loved him.  He knew also the degree to which the rest of the family alienated me according to NM's designs.  He realized, too, my own real problems - loving too much - feeling too much - and caring so much about the whys and the hows.  In being talked about and left out you don't know why - and having family members shun you - you can't imagine how they could - why they would.  But, Dad knew the whys and the hows.  At least then he finally did.  And he advised me to go home and take care of my own family.

He was dying.  It was too late for him in this life - but it wasn't for me.  I should be present for my own children and husband who all love me and don't lie about me, shun me, or abuse my love. He was preparing himself for the suffering that he knew was in store for him, and somehow, he convinced himself he deserved it - being tortured at the hands of the NM after leaving the hospital - sent home to die.

I couldn't believe that this Psychopath bitch managed to do this to him right up until his death - and he allowed it.  He had the chance to go to Hospice and I told him he should - but she was holding the cards he thought - she did all the talking and planning - he was going home to die with her, knowing full well that the abuser of his children was now going to abuse him in the time of his greatest need.

I since have come to realize he also must of been a Borderline.  He also had most of the traits for Borderline Personality Disorder. It happens that so many questions are answered with that realization as well.  Fear is what makes a Borderline so mean - and he was mean when we were little.  And mean is the best adjective for the BPD sister as well.  Angry and mean, especially in times of great stress.  Only they I guess are not aware.  Although I have my doubts.  They know they are angry - they know they are unable to care for others as they were never cared for - and they tell themselves they don't care.  But they do. And they can't.  It's an awful condition.

He realized all of this weeks before his death - the BPD sister I'm still hoping will come to realize all of this much sooner.  The greatest fear and the greatest anger I've ever seen in my life was in the faces of my BPD father and BPD sister.

But I could not help him in 50 years and I will never be able to help her.  She has to want to get better.

I must help myself now - and that's just what I have been doing for the last two years.  Baby steps... but steps just the same.