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| Borderlines Operate from the ID |
Your Narcissist might well be strapped with this Borderline Personality Disorder. Or your Borderline could also be carrying more than several Narcissistic traits.
Borderlines operate from the ID and if they have narcissistic traits - the ego involved is borrowed from others. They have NO super ego. No rational ability to calmly and realistically balance the two for a mature functioning personality to ever emerge.
Borderlines have no personality. They take on that of others - whomever they are valuing and devaluing at the moment. Valuing and devaluation is a constant cycle of fluctuation for borderlines on any person with whom they wish to interact. (I say, wish to because that's what it is - they desire interaction, but never really interact. They only know to provoke and cycle the provocation).
Borderlines cannot interact or seek normal attention. They want to, but do to having been neglected and abused by primary care givers (mother) as infants - they remain without the ability to bond with anyone their entire lives. They never experienced the mother/child bond with a mother or mother figure, and without help, they likely will only ever touch on the idea of the concept of love in their entire lifetime. They will even tell you that they know what love is - They will say, "What I think it is anyway, and I resent your insinuation that I should allow someone to love me". But that's just it. They will not allow anyone to love them.
Borderlines punish a kindness every time - they find fault with everything others do - and nothing is ever good enough. They are the same negative way about themselves. In self evaluation for anything - they are never satisfied. They find fault with everything they do, picking it apart from micro to macro - even as you are complimenting them. They do not want compliments. They want appreciation. Remember that. Appreciation is all they want. Over love, which they know not anyway, they want appreciation.
It's really difficult to appreciate a person who is confusing you with devaluation for a kindness, using abusive language, and shoving you away for loving them. They want you but they don't want you. They need you for a personality or a self - but they hate you.
Borderlines are a swirling abyss of want and need. I want you. I hate you. Your wonderful. Your too intimate with them - they don't believe you. They say you don't appreciate them so all your "love" is only meaningless words. They want you to get out and they don't want you to ever abandon them. They are a maelstrom of love, hate, desire, and pain. They want attention but are afraid of too much attention. They do not trust anyone. They want to act but need to provoke someone instead. Then they react to the person who is either taking or expressing exception to the provocation.
Borderlines cannot be seductive - they, instead, insinuate themselves on others. They have no finesse so the narcissistic traits are mainly their need to control others and use emotional manipulation to get what they want. Also, instead of facing the truth about themselves they resort to gaslighting (in effect lying or having selective memory about their abusive behaviors) when confronted.
Borderlines are introverted, but don't want to be alone - so they become social chameleons. They mirror others' traits and behaviors even body language. Then when they get the person interested enough to begin a relationship - and a long enough time to hook them - they begin the devaluation. This is because they loath themselves so much that when they "become" this other self - they begin to loath them too.
They are so out of touch with their own feelings that they don't understand this is going on and they even lose track of time in splitting episodes in times of stress.
Splitting is when a borderline is under stress and they can't take holding up this false self for others any longer. They drop it totally and devaluation is in full blast engagement. They are angry - full of rage, and out of control even. They are engulfed in total negativity and dissatisfaction. This is when provocation comes in. They are trying like hell to provoke you. You will not recognize them. This is what freaked me out - scared me to death. If the person seeing this happening is confused and compassionate - the borderline will become more angry. They may even shove you away literally.
If you take it and kindly leave without any negative reaction, they will say goodbye nicely like it all just never happened. When you are gone, they will act out in whatever way works for them - whether it be alcohol, drugs, food, or reconnecting with a co-dependent ex. It's all a part of the cycle. When you wait for them to contact you with an apology - it never comes.
They go on impulsive shopping binges and may even totally redecorate their home. They keep in contact with you like you are their best friend, telling of all the purchases, and the new relationship with the abusive ex - who they only the day before you left their place was swearing to NEVER see again. They say they are exceedingly happy. But this is a lie that they don't even know about themselves. It is very sad to watch this kind of pain happening to a loved one if the borderline is in your family. (You cannot help them. Don't even try).
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| The Borderline "loves" only conditionally - Gives and takes back - Can't care /Don't have the tools - Must Control |
I am so grateful that I can live and let live, love unconditionally, trust, believe, hear to understand, and I NEVER HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll always have compassion for my borderline family member .. It's just really sad that the person cannot be helped.
If any of this looks familiar to you and the person is not your family member, ... RUN. If they are a loved one - walk away softly but don't keep trying to show them how to love or help them to trust or fix them really in any way. It's not going to happen and they would be glad if you stopped, and did just gently walk away. If you are not going to allow them to abuse you, they will as much as tell you that they really don't want you in their life.
Be hopeful and be free my friends.
7 comments:
I forgot that before the splitting, the devaluation begins with months of dismissals. They wake up one day and decide that for whatever reason they cannot believe you anymore - and begin to dismiss everything you say. They continue this behavior until they really don't even listen to you anymore. Your concerns and even on occasion valuable opinions will be instantly dismissed with a kind of arrogance. A big time know it all - I don't really care - attitude.
Borderlines are all or nothing - everything is black or white, kinds of people. There is no reasonable view of anything of course without the super ego to keep regulation.
But when you start noticing the devaluation process begin - the dismissing your ideas, comments, even compliments (which btw they hate) - it's over all ready for the borderline. It's only a matter of time before the major episode outlined in the post that's designed to chase you away.
Also, borderlines can be confused with Bi Polar sufferers. The cycling goes with great mood swings of tremendous energy followed by even a catatonic like state. My borderline was used to becoming non responsive after six at night. Someone could be sick and even die while the borderline seems to not care and be unavailable. But during the splitting you will see real catatonic like episodes if you are there for days enough. Very disturbing. You are useless in the situation - and after that, you are useless forever to the borderline. They are over you.
Boundaries. Borderlines have plenty. You are not allowed ANY.
Here's a literal definition of Splitting:“Splitting” is a term that describes difficulty with the ability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs about oneself or others. In other words, positive and negative attributes of a person are not joined together into a cohesive set of beliefs.
In the post I describe what splitting looks like from the point of view of the person who is all of the sudden being devalued.
Someone asked if borderlines ever do really go away. They fear being abandonment, but at the same time fear intimacy. They work very hard to drive you away, but they are always still around. They see themselves as eternal victims always available for a redo or continuation. They continue their valuing you and then devaluing you once again until your reaction sends them running - but they'll be back or they'll call for you to come back. YOU have to decide this is NEVER going to change no matter how you turn yourself inside out for them - no matter how vulnerable you make yourself for them and no matter what you do to 'show' them anything about real relationships and learning to live and let live. NOT going to happen for them. They must control. They must distrust. They must abuse you or YOU must finally abandon them as you always promised you would never do. It's what they ultimately want if you will not be able to take the abuse and chaos. Funny thing. They will tell you that THEY are working on getting the crazy out of their lives...lol... and that will include you and everyone else. They never consider the truth of the matter. The real crazy source in their lives - need I spell it out here?? I think not.
A reader asked how to stop a borderline devaluing you:
Impossible. It is inevitable that they will, and once they do - there is no turning back. You are the trash that they believe that they themselves are - you are useless, stupid, ugly, inept, irresponsible, and just not good enough. When you confront them and tell them this is how you feel now when you are with them... you get the duping delight slight grin. They love that you fee this way and that you confirm their opinion of you. And actually they are pleased that you have succumbed to the crazy making. You have become the negative inner description they have of themselves. There is a certain satisfaction in that for the borderline, which they can hold onto in case you decide to stay in the "relationship".
I was asked about how to walk away from a borderline mother. Tough one. As I mentioned in the post, if your borderline is a family member, it's even more difficult.
Walking away is the safest most healthy decision IF the borderline in your life isn't your mother. My mother is a Narcissistic Psychopath (I know redundant), and so along with having no choice but to go NC, it doesn't matter to HER because she literally doesn't and cannot care. But, the Borderline cares :(
The borderline mother is an infant in constant need which can NEVER be good enough or satisfied. Walking away from her seems cruel since you would never do this to a baby. Especially your own mother - who could do such a thing?...
You have to. She will care but her caring fluctuates and you can never keep up with her cycling anyway. Take comfort in the times in her cycling that she is devaluing you. That will be almost always anyway.
See to it that she has basic needs met - stay as NC as possible. Become the robot she was raising you if you must see her briefly. If she wants help and you can afford it - pay for it for her. Don't however get involved. It is very unusual that a borderline would really want to get better for the right reasons and then actually attempt it and further - Actually DO it. Nearly impossible especially if the borderline is over 45.
Take care of yourself first now. Be respectful. Keep your boundaries. Ditch the fear. Know that it doesn't matter if she loves you - because to her she hasn't learned what to do with feelings of love yet. She still only demands, provokes, and complains. And pushes others away.
Know that everything she thinks and feels isn't real. So everything she tells you isn't probably true or reality based. That may be the best advice here for you.
It doesn't matter what really is or was - she will refuse to see it EVER. Let go of what could have been. Nothing else could ever have been because your mother is a borderline.
Go on with what still can be for YOU. I hope this helps some. Hugs, kat
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