The last gift. NS can tell herself and others that sobriety was an issue in the breakup, but you all know the truth. That one time and last time (two-day) episode ended up just the thing for a twisted mind to drown out her own ongoing everyday (sober) behavior.
Twisted even more is my kind of satisfaction in the outcome - leaving her with an excuse - being able to tell herself she is not the problem. I thought for a year about a way out of the "relationship" with her - without her being left feeling abandoned for her being her. This was the perfect solution.
However, she knows the truth, also. This reasoning is a surface band-aid. The truth is bad, but not as bad or even life threatening as she thinks. I've never seen a person so afraid - so fragile ... yet so abusive - so unattractive in my whole life. Not even the NM. It is so sad. And all the NM's fault.
The child in the photograph above, is her at round four and a half years old in Athens, PA. USA. This is the person in her that I remember and I love. This child never deserved to end up with borderline personality disorder, but all of the parts of the disorder served to get her though these formative years being abused and neglected by an NM/Psychopath. The sad thing is, she now treats herself and others the way she was treated then. She will not allow anyone near this authentic, innocent part of her, and does everything to push caring people away. The kinder you are to her the more unreasonable her response, whether right then or usually within subsequent days of the kindness.
I wish my sister would have gotten help at some point in her life, but unfortunately she thinks there is nothing wrong with her behavior, and as long as her conscience is clear - she's fine.
I am always working on my own issues - super conscious of my behavior - and quick to wonder if I have this or that behavioral disorder. I'll tell you what. I've struggled with a myriad of symptoms of a number of conditions my whole life. It's been a very long road to recovery, which surely must have no end. Evolution is essential. Progressive daily work and a constant, conscious effort is the only hope.
I have this wonderful, kind and patient and very gifted husband of 27 years that I think is 90 percent responsible for my success thus far. This is enough time in one's life for the brain structure to actually be tweaked, if you will - to flex and to even grow, I believe.
I have the same heart and soul as the day he married, me but I know that I am a much better person now for the years of recovery from the abuse and neglect of the NM and family. Without such a partner, I don't know how well I would have done - how far in recovery I could have come. As children, we weren't offered any special education to counter act this - as young adults the same. We were on our own with all of this, and it would have been a much more difficult road without Khaled.
That's why I tried so hard to help my sister. I tried to share with her what I had gotten from life, but it was all so foreign to her - you could see how uncomfortable she was with my kind husband, the no walking on eggshells atmosphere, and my children who just make my face light up when they come into the room. It's not perfect, but in comparison to what my sister and I remember from our childhood - it's heaven at my house.
She was like a duck out of water here on every visit. Even my adult children embraced her and tried to make her feel at home and respected. It was so obvious this wasn't really working out with her. You could see her fighting the borderline symptoms with every normal family thing we did together. She always took off and left not long after her arrival.
She mentioned on her last visit the ridiculous amount of pictures of my children I have all on my walls (but with a negative tone). I do have a lot of photographs. Unlike her home - the odd few. Like her no personality "self" her home has no style - no personality. Once, years ago, she came to visit and mentioned then how nice we all were to each other - and I'll never forget, she added, "And I don't think it's fake". I thought then, that was such an odd thing to say. Why would we all be fake? Now I get it. She can't imagine a normal family being real. I just find her whole situation very sad.
I'm satisfied though, with the degree to which I went to do what I could for her. And too, the wacko way I came up with to end it all. I showed her everyone has flaws. I was for her as vulnerable as I ever was and she still had up those BPD walls, not willing to try to fix things with me - stating there was nothing to fix. Her whole world is so confusing - you can see the confusion on her face most of the time. No wonder why besides being a control freak, she's so tiered by six at night.
I guess now I can slam the door on self pity for not reaching her or helping her at all - and for anything else for which I still have self pity. Jeesh. It's about time. It's time the whining stopped and the new part of this recovery begins.
Oh, yeah. That would be for me. That's right. Yeah it's time for me to get some of this attention I've been wasting on her and before her my NM. Now, my energy is going into someone who deserves my love and attention. Sure did take me long enough to figure that one out.
Twisted even more is my kind of satisfaction in the outcome - leaving her with an excuse - being able to tell herself she is not the problem. I thought for a year about a way out of the "relationship" with her - without her being left feeling abandoned for her being her. This was the perfect solution.
 |
| The Precious Innocent Child |
The child in the photograph above, is her at round four and a half years old in Athens, PA. USA. This is the person in her that I remember and I love. This child never deserved to end up with borderline personality disorder, but all of the parts of the disorder served to get her though these formative years being abused and neglected by an NM/Psychopath. The sad thing is, she now treats herself and others the way she was treated then. She will not allow anyone near this authentic, innocent part of her, and does everything to push caring people away. The kinder you are to her the more unreasonable her response, whether right then or usually within subsequent days of the kindness.
I wish my sister would have gotten help at some point in her life, but unfortunately she thinks there is nothing wrong with her behavior, and as long as her conscience is clear - she's fine.
I am always working on my own issues - super conscious of my behavior - and quick to wonder if I have this or that behavioral disorder. I'll tell you what. I've struggled with a myriad of symptoms of a number of conditions my whole life. It's been a very long road to recovery, which surely must have no end. Evolution is essential. Progressive daily work and a constant, conscious effort is the only hope.
I have this wonderful, kind and patient and very gifted husband of 27 years that I think is 90 percent responsible for my success thus far. This is enough time in one's life for the brain structure to actually be tweaked, if you will - to flex and to even grow, I believe.
I have the same heart and soul as the day he married, me but I know that I am a much better person now for the years of recovery from the abuse and neglect of the NM and family. Without such a partner, I don't know how well I would have done - how far in recovery I could have come. As children, we weren't offered any special education to counter act this - as young adults the same. We were on our own with all of this, and it would have been a much more difficult road without Khaled.
That's why I tried so hard to help my sister. I tried to share with her what I had gotten from life, but it was all so foreign to her - you could see how uncomfortable she was with my kind husband, the no walking on eggshells atmosphere, and my children who just make my face light up when they come into the room. It's not perfect, but in comparison to what my sister and I remember from our childhood - it's heaven at my house.
She was like a duck out of water here on every visit. Even my adult children embraced her and tried to make her feel at home and respected. It was so obvious this wasn't really working out with her. You could see her fighting the borderline symptoms with every normal family thing we did together. She always took off and left not long after her arrival.
She mentioned on her last visit the ridiculous amount of pictures of my children I have all on my walls (but with a negative tone). I do have a lot of photographs. Unlike her home - the odd few. Like her no personality "self" her home has no style - no personality. Once, years ago, she came to visit and mentioned then how nice we all were to each other - and I'll never forget, she added, "And I don't think it's fake". I thought then, that was such an odd thing to say. Why would we all be fake? Now I get it. She can't imagine a normal family being real. I just find her whole situation very sad.
I'm satisfied though, with the degree to which I went to do what I could for her. And too, the wacko way I came up with to end it all. I showed her everyone has flaws. I was for her as vulnerable as I ever was and she still had up those BPD walls, not willing to try to fix things with me - stating there was nothing to fix. Her whole world is so confusing - you can see the confusion on her face most of the time. No wonder why besides being a control freak, she's so tiered by six at night.
 |
| Moving on... Life Awaits |
Oh, yeah. That would be for me. That's right. Yeah it's time for me to get some of this attention I've been wasting on her and before her my NM. Now, my energy is going into someone who deserves my love and attention. Sure did take me long enough to figure that one out.
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