Contentment and Self Love .... It's a good thing....

Dust Wook how Cute we Are

I can't tell you how good it is to be free of Borderlines, Narcissists, and Psychopaths.  No daily emails trying to reach them in a real and human way - no threatening letters or phone calls - no tit for tat hurtful statements - no lies to keep up with, find out about, and try to fix - and best of all, NO confusion.  No guessing games, reading of minds, and endless misunderstandings and disappointment.

Oh and thank goodness, no more being invited for things and then told I have to pay for half..lol..  half the gas - half the food - half the drinks (including for a house visit).  If the BPD person wants to go anywhere, inviting me gets them there for half price or free on occasion.  Something is lost in that kind of invitation.  Or how about being offered something and then it being taken away - over and over.  I found it disturbing to notice the BPD person's satisfaction in telling me that they've changed their mind, and or now you have to pay for the item.  If you give me something I am touched that you care about me, not so much about the receiving of the item.  And if you give me something, then take it away with a grin, asking if you are being unreasonable... (being human) I am affected by your joy in hurting me.

But now everything is different for me.  Life is life and living is living without the threat of it all ending.  I have surrounded myself with life and living, and love and healing.  I am practicing self love for the first time in my life.  It must be working because my overall health is improving.

 My son, Khaled, is in the photograph with Dustie the English Angora rabbit.  He's my eldest of three children and the most sensitive of them all.  He loves animals like I do, and as you can see here - he has such a heart for them. If I turn around in my office chair, I see my Conure Parrot perched on the rabbit's crate door, which remains open.  Also, this little guy in the photo bounces here and there, chasing our shy little Holland Dwarf bunny from place to place.

Life for me now consists of my adult children who are all out of the house and on their own, my husband who still works two jobs, these adorable snuggle buggles, and you all. Plus my volunteer work.  Remembering what is good for me is a big part of this - An Epsom salts bath, healthy food choices, smaller portions, more movement/walking when I can, and quality time with my husband.  I couldn't be more content with life and the decisions I've made to get me this far.

It's true that if it doesn't feel good, it isn't love.  Family or not.  You have to realize this and do what is right for you.  That is hard for those of us who always feel more for the other person than we do for ourselves, but it's important to finally GET the concept.  And do it for YOU.  Or one day there won't be any of you left for you or for others.

No wonder I have been ill for so long.  I was getting it from all directions.  The NM/PM and her lies and others believing her - the BPD sister and her tit for tat comments and the push pull giving and taking away / the balancing act of navigating her mood and ANGER. The other N sister who is also Histrionic/Masochistic, threatening and passive aggressive/accomplice to NM. Then there was my father, the unwitting accomplice to NM who despite her lies loved me unconditionally.  My brother who checked out of life at 15 and hasn't grown a bit since.  I do not claim to know what his personality disturbance would be called.  The others I have no doubt.  And there is me. Negative self talk - which I have worked my entire adult life to reverse.  BiPolar tendencies, three major debilitating depressions, passive aggressive tendencies (worked to end this one totally), ADD, .. gosh you name it.  It's been a long road.

On the flip side, I have a normal husband and extended family of in laws.  My children all seem "normal".  As I have said before, my eldest got the brunt of my illnesses - but for all we all went through, he has come along way further than I was at his age.  He would be considered normal with some issues he manages.  He is just like me - and he has the kindest heart you'll ever want to meet.

My middle son is just precious.  I don't know how else to describe him.  His soul just shines and when I am with him the whole room is calm and peaceful.

My daughter also is kind and special.  Really sweet, on the ball though, kind of old world girl.  She knows what she wants in life and she will never be held back by any N, P, S, or BPD - I can guarantee you THAT much!!

Those three children, my pets, husband - my mother in law, Sittoo, also - just make me smile and breathe in a cleansing breath.  Contentment.  It's a good thing.

          Me and Sittoo at the Red Sea ten days after Khaled was Born