Good Enough isn't Good Enough...

Exactly what I Ended up Doing

And it wasn't just one hurt.  For me to leave someone forever it has to be an ongoing habitual thing - an irrevocably abusive situation.

I avoid using the word relationship because of course people who only know provocation - know nothing of how to relate.  There is no relationship.

You ask me why I would love someone with whom I had no relationship.  Simple.  They are family.  My mother.  My sisters.  And my brother.  I might venture to say, myself as well, having spent years recovering - eliminating those kinds of traits from my own personality.

Listen.  I know that if every one of them gets real love confused and has not the ability to have a real relationship, then I must be the same way.  I know that for some years I was really sick too - I only attribute life's good circumstances in my case to my long road to recovery.  I think I will be recovering until the last day of my life - it's something that can always be progressive. And something I want and always wanted.

I happen to be an empath. For them I went the extra mile every time to try to help them see that they can recover too - they can heal - they can learn what healthy love is, and finally learn to really love.

To experience real love is so wonderful. Who wouldn't want their family to know and have love?

That leads me to mention my own control issues.  I was determined to show them the error of their ways - their behavior - what their abusive behavior does - how it makes one feel.  In theory, they were supposed to see my suffering and be sorry and want to become a person -- they would stop their abusive language, distrust, provocation, and controlling/manipulation, and we would become close and love each other without walking on eggshells or the reading of minds.  In a nutshell... We could enjoy finally a functional relationship.  NOT.

When I confronted each one of these people one by one, each one resorted to trying to hurt me - a kind of tit for tat.  I wasn't playing.  I did as the sign suggests.  I walked away without anger or the desire to hurt them.  I won't likely ever return only because it's the only option for my own continued recovery.

I have a problem with having to be sure that I turned myself inside out and every which way and sideways - giving of myself and my heart from the depths of my soul before calling it finished.  Enough.  Done.  I am satisfied, now anyway, that I did everything possible to reach them before walking away.

I gave the very best of myself for my father and my one sister.  For my father it was wonderful - he, in the end loved me no matter how many times the NM told him I didn't love him and I was crazy and god only knows what else. He could feel my love - he knew what real love was and we at least could steal our times together.  I didn't have to show him love.  I only loved him and gave him the best of me. Aside from the NM backtracking to destroy it, it was wonderful.  It was enough.  My love was enough.

But for the sister.. when we reconnected, first I loved her like I did my dad and she wasn't able to understand the concept - she wasn't opening up truly - she was still brushing under the rug any feeling that felt uncomfortable. Including LOVE.  Then I tried for three years to tread lightly and gently ... trying to read her mind... walking on eggshells so not to offend her.  To no avail.  Then I allowed her to be abusive.  I was going to show her "healthy love" then. (I'm showing here my own wacko thinking right while I was supposed to be recovering) She only got worse.

Then as you all know she finally had that splitting episode while I was at her place for the week of the fence project last year, during which was the last straw.  I knew then it was beyond abusive - It was pathological borderline personality disorder to the tee.  I, and frankly, even most professionals wouldn't stand a chance to help at this point without her WANTING to get better.

By this time our "relationship" or what I know was just "our time together" was over.  The distrust, the controlling, the abusive language, and especially the anger (without provocation) had become her normal way around me.  Everything I did wasn't good enough - or said was only words and dismissed.  Whatever I gave to her wasn't enough.

I'm glad that I gave her the best of me both spiritually and literally..

I was satisfied she had Dad's gold ring whether or not it was good enough - I gave it to her freely  with all my love, and I still feel grateful for that precious moment when I was able to give it to her, and tuck it into her hands ..hold her face to mine, and kiss her.  Although, she reacted confused or maybe stunned says it best.

My heart swelled for the both of us - the three of us really.  With or without the ring, Daddy will always be with me.  His love remains in my heart.

I smile thinking that forever she will at least have that part of our father. That's a good thing.