Friday, November 30, 2012
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Impossible Boundaries
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Impossible Boundaries: Yeah. Sit Down and Shut Up. I am struggling now with this one. My husbands sister just left for Egypt after staying for two months in...
Impossible Boundaries
My husbands sister just left for Egypt after staying for two months in our home. That would be fine. Two months. No problem. Only, for the last ten years she has been coming for years and months at a time.
Even that would be okay with me if she were to take ordinary care of that which she uses. That she does not, has become down right obnoxious. Tiring. I'm over it.
Muslims are brothers in religion and they must not oppress one another, nor abandon assisting each other, nor hold one another in contempt. The seat of righteousness is the heart; therefore that heart which is righteous, does not hold a Muslim in contempt; and all the things of one Muslim are unlawful to another: his blood, property, and reputation.
I carry the above sin now because I have become angry and resentful. You tell me how not to become this way when one behaves this way and then leaves saying they'll be back next year.
Look. If this person were in need it would be different - Or my mother or my mother in law - But clearly, she is not. She has a newly remodeled home in Cairo, and wealthy adult children outside of Cairo.
My problem is boundaries and how to draw the line with such a person. On one hand I don't want her to keep doing this, and on the other hand I don't want to hurt her or certainly, my sweet precious kind and generous husband (her brother). But mostly, I am tired of walking on eggshells in my own home...tip toeing in the night, remaining fully dressed, and just not having my own home (for no good reason). I'm over sharing my clothes, my husband, my home, cars, cell phones, and really, EVERYTHING. It's not necessary.
Listen. I'm not the greatest example of a Muslim, but I know this much.
This is from the Hadith right from the mouth of our prophet PBUH...
The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “It is not permissible for a guest to stay so long with the host as to cause him trouble.” [Al-Adab-ul-Mufrad]
It is praiseworthy to visit people and ask about them. It promotes feelings of Islamic brotherhood and increases love. Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) likes us to show our affection for other Muslims and care for them.
However, one should keep in mind that the host should not be inconvenienced.
Don’t overstay your welcome. Stay only as long as your host would like to have you around. Don’t become a burden on the host, or you risk making them and yourself sinful.
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| Boundaries.... |
Friday, November 16, 2012
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Baby Dustie's Adventurous first Week
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Baby Dustie's Adventurous first Week: Sarah Jasmine and Dustie This was Dustie's first day home from Aboundingful Farm in Pennsylvania, where he was born. It was almost a w...
Baby Dustie's Adventurous first Week
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| Sarah Jasmine and Dustie |
What a cutie patootie!! He is even more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. So soft, so cute, so funny, so curious, and now so house trained!!!
Sarah may come again today and take a video so we can share it on Dustie's facebook page. Himz a funny bunny.
He has our very shy and fussy Holldand Dwarf Rabbit, Bunnie, coming out of her shell - if only to see all the things that belong to her that he gets into...lol... I love seeing her out more often and even being more curious, too.
She takes forever to eat a snack. I had a piece of pita bread on the floor where she likes to hop around for the longest time, and she only ever nibbled it once or twice, but liked knowing it was there. But when Dustie discovered it - it lasted about half the day. Now, all of the sudden Bunnie's looking for her snack, licking the crumbs. So I made them both freshly hardened ones from the microwave today. I see Dustie eating his. And Bunnie is surrounded by small pieces of it like a snack border..lol.. She won't ever eat them all, but she loves having her things all in order.
Dustie is different. He likes flipping around quickly, not thinking - making a mockery of Bunnie's finely groomed bunny house with Timothy Hay - and then her crate which she only uses as a bathroom. She sure has her hands full checking all of this all day long ;)
This idea to get an English Angora Rabbit right from the mother as a tiny baby turned out to be a really good thing for everyone. Even Birdie is entertained by him. "Hi Birdie" Hi Bunnie" "Hi uuuudddssty" She's getting there too.
Friday, November 9, 2012
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Ca...
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Ca...: With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Can and I must Move On.... : Now that I'm free of both the NM AND the NS's - I have to take ...
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Can and I must Move On....
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: I Can and I must Move On....: Now that I'm free of both the NM AND the NS's - I have to take stock of where I stand now and how I got this far. The last narcissistic...
I Can and I must Move On....
The last narcissistic family member to become NC with was my second sister. My brother - I don't believe is narcissistic so much as some kind of other BPD.
But this sister and I spent two years studying these conditions together - researching, reading, and writing about it and our experiences with it in our family. All along, I noticed these tendencies with her and I wondered if I also had the same. I wanted to know everything about myself so to stop any of this kind of behavior WHICH I HATE.
Her behavior made me feel violated with dishonesty, abusive language, and massive misplaced anger. I found out a year later it was mostly over choosing the wrong place to sleep in her home when visiting for a week to help her build a fence, place a doggie door and take care of her dogs. Also, the fact that I had the nerve to arrange for a surprise housewarming party with her daughters must have rubbed her the wrong way. As soon as they left, she told me her daughters should know better - that she hates things like that :( Then, she punished me with her angry behavior for the coming week.
This was a breach of trust. I could never go back after that for a real visit. I could never be really with my sister anymore. She sees me making strides in recovery, but she refuses to even try to come along. To even attempt to see herself and her behavior - her anger - her dishonesty. She's convinced that she has great integrity and that's the word she uses. It's most important she says to her, but I beg to differ. I think it's her ego and wounded inner child. She only nurses those enough to get by as a child would - never growing enough to grow through anything and evolve past infancy, emotionally. I cannot help her, prod her, love her enough, do enough for her, give enough to and for her - and finally I cannot force her to grow emotionally. She has to want it. She has to see where she is on the scale of emotional health first and want to begin the work. I cannot even force her to see it. I am helpless where she is concerned.
Funny, at her place the last time to see her in person she said I was so destroyed that she just wanted to scoop me up. The one sentence said in a whole week that was meant to reach beyond her own desires. But, even those were words she'd heard before, and she had nothing in her emotional bank account to back up the wish. She was talking about my obesity. That's something she can compare and feel better about. Everything she says are just words. Empty words. They are what she thinks might sound good. They have no real meaning or intent behind them. It is so obvious and so sad.
I tried very much to reach her, but I cannot give up the years of the only life that I have left working for something she does not want. I did this with my parents. But I am free now. Free of them. Free of the eldest sister and free of this one now too. I have no misplaced sense of responsibility now. I can and must move on.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Election Day
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| So There |
In the morning Sarah and I voted together and then did some errands together. Later, she went back to Scranton and Joey arrived from Maryland.
Joey voted in the evening and then we watched the election coverage together. He stayed the night and we slept in my bed. It reminded me of when he was little. I peeked at his adorable innocent face once again before closing my eyes to a sweet comfortable sleep.
Before the elections were over, my phone counselor from our insurance company called me to see how I was doing with this recovery from PTSD (you guys know it was from the NM). Better than in a long time I told him so I'm starting a walking routine and a series of sessions with him.
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| This is how I felt as I lay down to sleep election night. |
Sunday, November 4, 2012
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: On the Brink of Forgiveness for real - Forever
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: On the Brink of Forgiveness for real - Forever: In this place together, we are safe and warm. We hear our words and see our expressions. We can touch the rain if only we reach out o...
On the Brink of Forgiveness for real - Forever
Tasting the rain forest in the very air we breathe, tells us we are at home.
As we feel, taste, and smell the mist, we stay close under the promise.
A rainbow begins to rise from the left, leaving the feeling we will always be okay.
I tell you the sun is looming just beyond this mud and chill. We are on the brink of feeling that sunshine on our shoulders, as it slowly warms our little souls.
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| Being on the Brink of Forgiveness for real - Forever |
Saturday, November 3, 2012
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Rid your LIfe of Pathology and start Living....
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Rid your LIfe of Pathology and start Living....: Dustie at six weeks old I broke it last night to Khaled that Dustie was going to cost him $70.00!! I'ts cute to watch his expression ...
Rid your LIfe of Pathology and start Living....
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| Dustie at six weeks old |
Of course, in Egypt they are only sold by the pound :( But.....he was okay with it in the end. I explained that I was going to make him pay an additional $100.00 for the trip to get him, but the breeder offered to deliver him to me instead.
I have a really nice life here. I am one of the few who by shear wonder found a really good husband, best friend, confidant, and father of our three children .
It's a wonder - of those years I chased my NM mother's non-existent love, I just didn't say... Enough....I have all I ever needed right here with Khaled and my children. But, there was that wild card, my father, who I identified with, and who lived with her - Becoming NC with her meant not being able to ever see him either. I rolled the dice and went every time, and never gave up on him. I continued forcing my way through intermittent 'visits' with 'them' just to get a crumb of a moment with him here and there. He was always worth it to me - hence I always went back. I thought of him everyday - on every shopping trip, I included him - on every occasion with my children I thought how he might enjoy this or that with them. And the same holds true today. He is dead now two years and I find myself mourning his death much like I mourned for him when he was still alive. I missed him then and I miss him now. But, now finally, it is enough.
I am here writing this blog surrounded by everything I always wanted in life. A warm home and family who love each other. And it's important to point out that it's without the threat of having to suffer for doing so by having the wrath of a narcissist or sociopath come down on all or some of us for doing so. There are NO narcissists/sociopaths in my life anymore. I am finally free. And my dad is finally free also.
People once in a while ask if I can come to terms with being happy for him now - taking comfort in his non-suffering. Actually, I want that all to be true but the fact is I never went where he is. I don't know what the time in waiting for the judgment day is like for him. I hope he is kept comfortable with warm breezes and soft thoughts, but I don't know. All I know for sure is he never deserved a life of narcissistic torture from his own mother and then to his wife, until his awful death. My answer to such questions now should be I need to let that all go first.
He was so thrilled for me to have my husband Khaled. He told me on his deathbed that Khaled was the best man he ever knew in his entire life. The essence of my family is all my father ever wanted for himself and his family - and now, at least, he could die knowing one of us made it out of the insanity of the narcissistic family torture trap. I know he did take comfort in that promise. That is one thing concerning my dad that makes me smile as I write this post. He was the most generous, kind soul ever lived. I loved him so much.
*Tears*
See... I still hold a lot of sadness surrounding my father's memory and his fate. I know it's done and now I am moving on with my life - but the depth of the 50-year festering wound is so great that sometimes as it is healing I still feel the pain as it was in it's deepest most open/vulnerable condition. I learned to allow that feeling to wash over me, feel it, and let it go.
You know I was writing about my happiness here and my wonderful Dustie who is coming November tenth by car from Hershey, PA. But, then I still get swept up in the rip-tide of the past when I want to express my feelings about the present. I feel like Dad was so ripped off in life. I feel as though, yes, I am a good person (so harmless), but so was he - he should have enjoyed the kind of life I am enjoying right now. I learned that we all have the choice in life to make our lives what is best for us and our families. I made that choice when I was young and strong enough - I guess he wasn't young or strong enough once he finally realized he needed to do the same. But he always encouraged me. That's a good thing. I was there at least, and I listened to him.
I chose this life. And I choose recovery from the NM and now obesity. I chose to be of service at the local animal shelter. I choose to continue to grow emotionally - and that's the best choice right now. I see every interaction I have from business phone calls to personal conversation as opportunities to continue growing. Dealing with the public, family members, and friends is part of this journey - and I am actively choosing the best, most productive, positive way to react. I don't have to be right. I don't allow ego to have a place in these interactions if I can help it - and if I slip I consciously correct myself. This learned behavior has made a big difference in the level of anxiety in life. Without the anxiety there is no need for a crutch of any kind and it feels pretty good.
If you told me two years ago that I would become anxiety-free - ME - haaaa, I would have really wondered how it could possibly happen. But ... here I am. Free. I realized too that this is the time for me to get better. I can't wonder why I couldn't get this far before - I have to know that for me it wasn't time then to understand as much as I do now. I needed to learn and limp along emotionally as I did for a reason.
Now, I can be thankful to have made it to this point alive. I actually have the chance to lose this weight again and, this time without the anxiety. I can have my good family and enjoy them too - without the anxiety. I am living life to the fullest in this way, I think I would say. I really could not have come this far without ridding my life of pathology, (narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths), NO WAY.
Friday, November 2, 2012
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Rocks....
With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Rocks....: Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Rocks I just ordered a bunch of clothes from three of my favorite big girl online shops.... pfffft.....
Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Rocks....
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| Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Rocks |
It reminded me of the many years and not to mention dollars I spent doing the same just to have comfortable clothes.
When I lost all of the weight twelve years ago, I replaced my whole wardrobe at department stores for a fraction of the cost in comparison.
Now, they've got me back. But hopefully, and I say that with much hope and real conviction,...Not for long. All I need to do is get out of the house more days of the week than not and WALK. It isn't so difficult to just walk - and I still can. Before getting this far in my recovery, it was my mind that held me prisoner both mentally and physically. But, now I can and I will get back into an active routine.
I have to face it. I'm still fat. Even after losing a hundred and sixty pounds.... I am once again fat and in need of getting fit and stronger. I have to look at it as just that - I need to get stronger physically just as I have emotionally. That's just the next step in this recovery.
A part of me can't help but indulge in poor me... I can't believe I'm back here again.... and it brings to mind that famous line from Forest Gump, "Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks". But I say that with more humor than anything else... I can do this - I will do this.
Mostly, it's not poor me. Because I know that it's good that I can walk. It's good that I am better emotionally. And mostly, it's good that I have learned how to deal things emotionally, and how to put into the proper perspective the different things that have happened. When I lose the weight this time, it will likely be the last time. That's encouraging.
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| I'm Off and Running... Have a great Day!! |
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