My husbands sister just left for Egypt after staying for two months in our home. That would be fine. Two months. No problem. Only, for the last ten years she has been coming for years and months at a time.
Even that would be okay with me if she were to take ordinary care of that which she uses. That she does not, has become down right obnoxious. Tiring. I'm over it.
Muslims are brothers in religion and they must not oppress one another, nor abandon assisting each other, nor hold one another in contempt. The seat of righteousness is the heart; therefore that heart which is righteous, does not hold a Muslim in contempt; and all the things of one Muslim are unlawful to another: his blood, property, and reputation.
I carry the above sin now because I have become angry and resentful. You tell me how not to become this way when one behaves this way and then leaves saying they'll be back next year.
Look. If this person were in need it would be different - Or my mother or my mother in law - But clearly, she is not. She has a newly remodeled home in Cairo, and wealthy adult children outside of Cairo.
My problem is boundaries and how to draw the line with such a person. On one hand I don't want her to keep doing this, and on the other hand I don't want to hurt her or certainly, my sweet precious kind and generous husband (her brother). But mostly, I am tired of walking on eggshells in my own home...tip toeing in the night, remaining fully dressed, and just not having my own home (for no good reason). I'm over sharing my clothes, my husband, my home, cars, cell phones, and really, EVERYTHING. It's not necessary.
Listen. I'm not the greatest example of a Muslim, but I know this much.
This is from the Hadith right from the mouth of our prophet PBUH...
The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “It is not permissible for a guest to stay so long with the host as to cause him trouble.” [Al-Adab-ul-Mufrad]
It is praiseworthy to visit people and ask about them. It promotes feelings of Islamic brotherhood and increases love. Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) likes us to show our affection for other Muslims and care for them.
However, one should keep in mind that the host should not be inconvenienced.
Don’t overstay your welcome. Stay only as long as your host would like to have you around. Don’t become a burden on the host, or you risk making them and yourself sinful.
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| Boundaries.... |
3 comments:
What to do? Don't give a cheerful goodbye - just have a safe trip.
No thank you for coming and come again next year or just come again. No so long, no you were so kind to all of us - it was so good to have you. All would be total lies.
At the same time, what to do when the person presses for you too answer her when she hollers Thank You Sue??? (Thinking)...A, no. I'm not about to say you are welcome. I did that for years and it's a lie which keeps her returning.
Okay. Bright idea. Ignore the comment. And like a politician, answer it like you heard something else "Have a safe trip home". No, not good enough. She hollers AGAIN louder, I said THANK YOU SUE. Awkward. You still refuse to reply you are welcome.
"I didn't do anything Have a good trip." NO Thank you.. "No. I did nothing. Just get home safe and maybe I'll see you if I go to Egypt." Bye.
Bad idea.
Should have left the house for her departure and avoided ANY goodbye. Only trying to do the right thing here isn't right enough. It's down right WRONG ;(
Poor Khaled was saddened that when she told me thank you, instead of you're welcome, I said to have a safe trip. I just can't anymore. I know that all those sisters in law over there and all the women indeed, would NEVER have put up with it as long as I did. NEVER. They place boundaries early - no buts about it. And they move on. Usually to what would satisfy them and their children. I am Sure that when this gets back to them, not a one will blame me. They will ask what took me so long to grow a set.
Anyway, tonight I see my husband is back to normal - being cute and funny and loving. That's all I want - my normal husband without drama from unnecessary situations. Life is getting shorter, and call me selfish, but I want to enjoy my husband every moment we have left.
On top of the unbelievable full years stays and then months on end .... as if that wouldn't be enough, ... No there's more. This person knows everything. She insists whatever it is that you are doing or have done for years is not her way and she changes it - my kitchen, my living room, even my furniture to a stupid waiting room look. Only thing she doesn't seem to know much about is cleaning. Loves to cook. Barely wipes a counter. There is so much grease all over everything after she leaves that one time it took me three months to scrub it all off the walls, counters, stove (forget it - just unbelievable) the floors... you name it. This is a flop house for her to cook and hang out away from those who don't appreciate her way either.
The ONLY way I survived this for all these years is that I have my own third floor flat complete with kitchen, living room, office, bedroom, and bathroom. I don't even enter the first floor other than to leave the house when she is here - but now that she's gone I am once again enjoying my whole house.
I have ten months to think about all of this here and when I see her again, I plan to discuss all of this face to face with her - complete with all instructions on how to not trash my house. If you want to live here - it's simple - make your stay fair and enjoyable for all. No other way. It's over. The hotel is closed.... cleaning people gone. She will have to hold her own or stay home with her own beautiful house and family.
Is that unreasonable??? I don't see where it is. I have allowed this to snowball for so many years that it has come to this awful place. It has to stop. It just has to stop. She can come for a month maybe and not trash my house. That would be really great if she must.
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