Thinking of Going to my High School Reunion ~ Number 35 ~ Hoping Khaled can Join us

Khaled Me Philip

Well, for the first time ever, I'm considering attending my high school reunion.  It's a good time in life to do so - kids raised, money's not a problem, time seems easy to come by, and I'm feeling better than I have in years.

Khaled's going to Egypt in a couple of weeks, so I don't know if he'll be back in time for the October 5th event, but it would be so cool if he were to go.  Everybody would love him.  They always do - where ever he/we go.  Just like my son, Joey.  Everybody just loves him too.  I don't know quite what it is about them, but people are so attracted to them.

I don't have major life accomplishments or a body you could bounce a quarter off of, but I do have peace and happiness.  I have awareness.  And I have love.

I guess, though, like all others, you could say, I have acquired some wisdom which serves me well.

It will be nice seeing childhood friends at this special time in their lives.  All anxiety and pressures of years past are just that.  Past.  Our time there should be just that.  Our time.  Reminiscing of old days when computers were something the government was working on, and cell phones were just a dream.

Pictures of children and grandchildren and pets will be passed about, and music from the seventies will be playing in the background.  Ahhh October!!  My favorite month of the year.

Thanks to the people responsible for getting this event together <3

When you SImply do not care Anymore the Narcissist has Lost their Power

For the first time in my life, I'm taking care of myself.  As far back as I can remember, I have neglected my self care.

As a child, I didn't know any better.  All I knew then was to be good - really good.  Maybe my borderline father and psychopath mother would find fault in a sibling instead.

As a teenager, the message was very clear that it was selfish to do anything other than care for the needs of the NM (narcissistic/psychopath mother).  Her business required most of my time and energy.  Her personal needs were also my job.

She never had to make her bed or load or unload a single bag of groceries. Dishwasher.  Vacuuming was a given - daily - everywhere.  Washing clothes - 5 loads a day.  Everything and anything to keep NM happy and not trashing me.

Even so, the slashes to my self respect and very soul, like from a razor slicing a gash from the top of my precious head to beneath the last chakra, were so deep.  When it reaches there, you almost pee your pants.

NM's screaming slashing by the mouth was bad, but her lies were the worst.  Lies about me to others... about others to me.  Most especially the lies she told our already borderline father. She tried so desperately to take his love from all of us (me and my siblings).

Those lies of then, and the lies she surely is coming up with now no longer can touch me.  This is because I simply do not care anymore.

My father is deceased and she can no longer play the same game with him - but, she picked right up where she left off, dealing a new hand to my brother and sister in Florida, who eagerly picked up their cards in a rush to judgement.  I still don't care.

I decided that finally my life is going to be about being positive, healthy, happy, and Alive!!  I now care about me, my husband and children, and my family and neighbors in Cairo.  I love my friends I've made both in the United States and all over the world over the last three years as well.  These are the people who were there for me when the NM's lies finally almost took me out during that four-year depression.   When on the phone my own sisters were walking their dogs, and the one told me "Well, I hear you, but I have too much on my plate already."  I was calling from my bed. A last attempt to reach out before giving up.

Alive!  Instead, now I'm alive because I no longer care about the sister's plate being full, or her opinion, or the NM, or the other sister who's controlling, or the brother who sadly believes all the NM's lies.  I don't care.

That's the key folks.  You can't care ANYMORE.  You have cared enough and where did it get you in dealing with these (monsters) really.  Family or not, if people or someone is using you, lying about you, lying about others to you, manipulating you, controlling you, humiliating you, laughing at you, etc., STOP caring.  About them, about what they are doing or saying.  STOP CARING.

Suddenly, I have time.  There is plenty of time in my life for pedicures, manicures, facials, buying and eating whole and good foods, exercise, reading, writing, and quiet time with my husband.

Suddenly, everything looks different.  The flowers even seem to last longer. The seasons are all beautiful, not only the ones I favor.  The NOW is felt and appreciated.

I listen to understand.  I think more before I speak. I feel the good and the bad emotions without overreacting.  I don't judge others - I try so hard not to.  I know what the red flags are to spot a narcissist and I avoid these "people" now.  I don't have any road rage.  My anxiety is nearly GONE.  That's the biggest one.  Following that, my appetite is diminished to normal.  I am no longer hungry all the time.  And when I do eat, a very small portion fills me.  That's a miracle!!

Since I began this healing journey, I have taken off 75 pounds... I have about 50 to go, but I am not pursuing this weightloss.  It is pursuing me.  The pounds are peeling away without any forced discipline on my part.  The rest of the weight I'm sure will come off with my newfound love for myself.

It's about feeling better.  If taking care of myself makes me feel better, that's a plus.  And if feeling better i.e. (no anxiety) means an unexpected weightloss, it's also a plus.  If not hearing a pack of lies feels much better than being in the mix of the NM's lies - that's certainly the greatest of the pluses.

You know, when I was 20, I was young, and a shower a day was about all I did to take care of myself, but that certainly wasn't enough.  I allowed other narcissists into my life after leaving the house of the NM.  I came last.

When I found my wonderful husband and got married.  That was great, but I still took care of myself the same way.  A daily shower - some makeup.  Then my house, I kept very clean.  Then I had three children who I kept as clean as could be.  Babies got two baths a day.  Fresh clothes three times a day.  Toddlers two.  Laundry never ended.  I still didn't care for myself - not like I did for my kids and my home.

But, now.  Finally, after my mind, body, and soul suffered enough neglect, and called out for help, I paid attention.  I had no choice.  They were screaming with depression, obesity, and a near death experience until I took a stand.  I stood up for myself.

The last person left in my life from my family of origin called me selfish for doing so - GO FIGURE.  But, still, I stood my ground.  Escorting her and the rest of them out of my interior circle - I began my last leg of the healing journey.  And here I am.  Still here.  Still alive.  Not dead, even though she predicted I would be.

I am not an illicit drug user or ever was, or an alcoholic.  Just obese with a history of anxiety and depression.  Yet, I've been so persecuted by my family of origin.  My one sister told me that if it weren't for my husband she could see me on skid row in the streets.  I don't know whether or not she was projecting or really telling me what she thought.  But, she's a borderline who refuses help, so you can bet, whatever, it's all just toxicity.

That's it.  Toxic people can't be helped by us.  Show them the door.  Then don't care.

Finally, just don't care.

Instead of Treading so Lightly to Avoid Hurting my Borderline Family Memeber - This is what I Should have Said

Oh my God.  The time before my last visit to your home, you treated me so badly and cruelly that when I drove away, I told myself that somehow I was NEVER going to return.  Never going to put myself in such a desperate and degrading situation again.  I didn't, then, deserve to be treated like a bad employee.  Yelled at, sworn to, glared at........ and for nothing.  I was only helping you.

You were in a bad mood.  I figured I would be understanding and help more then - please you.  I even tried leaving you alone.  Nothing doing.  You micromanaged my help to the point I felt permission was needed to ask to breathe.  You assumed I was blind, deaf, and dumb.  I have never been treated so cruelly in my entire life - not even by our borderline father.  You accused me of breaking things in your house, losing things, messing things up - and with such a negative attitude.  You jumped out of bed swearing and cursing me from a dead sleep!!  That's Hate.  Don't you know what hate is either?  I know love is something else, but you seem confused about all emotions.

You punished me for having a party for your housewarming and bringing you gifts.  That, I almost forgot about.  Who does that?  You ARE the NM.  You told me you could be just like her and I didn't want to believe you.  You told me you left your job and tried to change all of that - but, moving back to NY from Florida just brought the NM back out in you.  You are her to a tee and I cannot be about such awful negativity ever again.  I never wanted to tell you this, but I should have THEN.  I didn't want to hurt you.  Because I know that along with being like the NM you are a borderline and they are full of all emotions - it's just sadder for them.  They don't know what they are or how to feel them and what to do with them.  It was so obvious to me.

The whole while you were controlling, manipulative, dismissive, and down right mean (cursing and directing what I was allowed to do, touch, use, eat, ect...), I was kind and kinder to you.  "These dishes, you have to be careful when eating from or you could scratch them".  That was my introduction on the visit. The stove could only be used in a special way because you were not prepared to by a new one.  The pots and pans were special and I was better off using other ones.  The microwave blew up one of your dishes so only this dish can go in it.  I made coffee and got water ALL OVER THE DOG FOOD.  I thought it was a whole bag, but saw that it was a bowl under the counter on a shelf - not wet.  I slept in the wrong room.  You wanted me in your room but said I could pick.  I wasn't too keen on being woken in the middle of the night with someone cursing about air conditioning. I used the shower and cleaned it before and after as I always do - I like a clean shower, and you told me to pick up the matt, I got it wet.  I mean, it just never ended.  Nothing is EVER good enough.  You stood there next to me and ordered me to do it.

It was my immature way of doing all I knew how to be patient with a crazy person.  Not a drunk person mind you.  Just what really was down right craziness - for absolutely no apparent reason.  The kinder and more patient I was with you, the meaner you were back.

I remember thinking...  Holy crap, she wants me to treat her like shit - like the abusive X does.  Is that what she wants?  Would she all of the sudden snap back to the person I've known for the last three years (which by the way wasn't a picnic either, but I could stand)?  I wasn't going to resort to your behavior with more nastiness just to find out.  I just wasn't playing games.  I was serious.  About this, our "relationship" .. being sisters...trying to get better.

I found out that you were splitting over the stress of once again sending the X out of your life for good.  Now, you were devaluing me right then and there to make him look better in your mind whether you know it or not.  And all at the same time you were telling me you swore you were done with him.  You would put your life on it.  You were making a whole new life and that's what I was there helping you to do.  Only, you were texting him nonstop even then.  And treating me like absolute crap.  It could be he was hinting some kind of narcissistic negativity concerning me .. just planting whatever it was that he could dream up to get you to devalue me.  It worked.  Perhaps he reminded you about the computer incident.  Where he convinced you I'd opened his personal computer when babysitting your dogs and I swore I did not.  Reminding you you cannot trust me.  Trust him.  (By the way, it was proven I never logged on.  He gave me the pin number for the wifi while I was dog sitting for days.. it registers that way).  You probably still believe him.  The day you call the wifi company to ask how that works.. how someone could show as logged on when they never touched your computer - yet used their own in your home, you are going to feel so badly.

I had no idea about devaluation or your behavior being called such until a year later.  When you insisted I visit again and I couldn't put it off any further when you said you needed help.  You were the queen of helping whenever I needed it, so what was I to do?  I hadn't found a way yet to confront you- tell you I was never going to be able to be exposed to that treatment again.  Furthermore, even if you were nice, I would know what you are capable of and, it wouldn't feel right or real.  It was over, really.  I just didn't have the heart to tell you.

I just have to add here that I did help you too.  I even paid to do so.  You insisted I pay my half of the gas for your trip to Florida to paint and prepare your home for sale...  lol..  remember that??  My son even flew to help us.  He painted the whole ceiling. You drove us to the beach one day. And you were annoyed that we enjoyed the water and you lay on the towels sulking... water isn't for you.  When aren't you annoyed?  You need people to give you money, food, and gifts, time, understanding, and oh, yeah, cruelty.  I guess that's where I mess up. I'm just not into that.

Even when I finally did bring this up slightly another year later, you took it that THATS how I feel about YOU.  And that was what I wanted to avoid.  YOU feeling that others think you are terrible.  I knew there was a person inside beyond the pathology you deny.  But, there was no reaching you from where I was - especially considering I was still healing myself.

The first night, you awoke cursing and screaming.  I got through the next few days and I should have gone home.  But, instead, I tried escaping in a box of wine .. then another.  I couldn't tell you how nasty you were or weren't those two days, but after that I stayed another week.

You just couldn't get beyond my ignoring your rules and regulations for those two days, and ran around the house like a mad woman with a jack-hammer strapped to her body and a tool box on the counter.  You didn't know if you wanted to tear down the stairs or jack them up.  Whether you wanted to rip out the concrete steps in the front of the house or weedwack the weeds - either way you were prepared like Kath Bates in Misery, ready to let out your rage.

For those two glorious days I didn't hear you tell me NO do it this way, micro managing my every step.  I didn't hear you to tell me how to fry eggs in butter, or ask if I knew how to use a gas grill.  Complain about a fan when you had the air conditioner on 60...Not like the following week.  Basically all you said to me the following week were insults about being stupid and selfish.

I did stay more days and you did get your projects done, but you just couldn't get over my audacity to disrespect you like that.  Your home and your quote - business.  (Our Aunt was living there) that was your business.

I did enjoy our Aunt the following days before coming home.  You got in your licks with telling us both where to go and what to do.  When to do the puzzle and now you HAVE to put it away.  Ordering her to eat lunch without the puzzle.  I about died laughing inside when I told her c'mon lets go upstairs so she can do her jobs down here.  She said about you behind your back, "Go to hell".  That was perfect.  I felt sorry for her though.  I could go home.

I'm still getting better.  If I am or ever was a borderline, I surely have paid for it - and for the last four years have been working diligently to get better. Stop the behaviors.  Be kind and patient.  I am not ever going to be finished healing.  I know you told me you did it for a year an now you are finished with any kind of getting better.  You had enough. Not interested in healing and being better.  I found and do find that statement empty and sad.  But, I cannot do a thing about it or to help you as long as you remain so sure of yourself while devaluing every single person whose in your life or crosses your path.

I hope you change your mind about getting better and doing what it is that is necessary to do so - I want you to find love and happiness.  That's all I ever wanted since our reconnection.

I will stay getting better here and in Egypt for the rest of my life, until my last breath I will try even harder to shed every iota of negativity and learn from all obstacles instead of cursing them.

I know you told Joey I should be dead by next year now - we'll see.  At least I will die knowing I did so loving and trusting the people who are in my life.  I learned from every single experience, even those with you.

Anyone could die any moment, but other than that, I don't see me dying on your schedule.  But then again I don't dismiss people who have helped me to grow.

Keeping Peace in your Life and in your Mind Sometimes seems Elusive....

There is so much to be happy and to feel peaceful about.  Life can be so good.  No matter the obstacles, somehow peace falls all around us - and happiness returns.

I guess it's the obstacles that make it seem elusive, but without them, we would all be less developed in every way.

Sometimes having seen some of the awful things one sees within a full lifetime, even the memories become obstacles.

Especially frightening for me was the beady eyes of disturbed family members.  I saw it in my father and both sisters.  The look is one that goes right through you.  Makes you almost pee your pants. It's a shark-eyed glare (dead stare) - kind of if looks could kill, I'd be dead for sure.

The scary part about the three of them doing this is it was always when I wasn't doing anything - just being there. Just being alive.  Makes you feel hated and confused and SCARED.  

I've come to learn that stare is a borderline trait.  It's what they are thinking of you - their delusion at the time.  You are too loving, kind, close, etc.  Or they are devaluing you.  Now you are untrustworthy, irresponsible, hated by them - They want you GONE.  They will escort you out.  I've seen that done, too.  It's so weird.  Passive aggressively, of course.  The NM told them some lie about you (i.e.  "She thinks this of you" or "She said this about you") and they believe it.  Borderlines always believe the Narcissist's lies right off the bat.

Experiencing that from people who you love and care about is traumatic.  I've spent years recovering over those creepy glares AND years learning why they did it.  Funny once you know this and finally learn what it is life has been trying so diligently to teach you - you can progress beyond that point in your own healing and emotional growth.  Pretty rapidly too.

So when we have those memories rush back, I guess we should let them wash over us in moment of yuck, and then make that all important choice to move onto something else.  Or to remember something else instead.  Someone else.

I like to have a talk with one of my kids or my husband.  They always make me laugh and remember what it is that's so good about life.  Of course, we can't forget my precious pets - Bunnie, Dustie, and Birdie.  They make me smile hundreds of times throughout the day.

Dear God I hope I haven't done that dead eyed creepy scary glare stare to anyone.  I know I have spent years working on any residual borderline like traits - and that surely would be one.  It has been a number one priority of mine for years now to grow everyday emotionally, and to END passive aggressive behaviors.

Time is getting shorter as the days go on, but now that I am so much healthier - there is way more real living left to do...

Life without NM's and Borderlines is such a blessing.

The Golden Child - What goes Around Comes Around

Khaled and Dustie

Aaa yes, the Golden Child of the NM.  That would be my eldest sister, Linda.  The princess of all time whose fairy godmother gave and did for her whatever her heart desired.

She had the most loving and caring grandparents a child could have, with whom she lived until she was about two.  Her father was the best man with the biggest heart ever and he was in the Army for her first couple of years.  GC had no idea he was this kind of person... right up until his death some 55 years later.

Her mother, a narcissistic/psychopath used her for others' admiration.  Linda's beauty and wit was an extension of the NM.  The boundary busting NM molded this child into an adult by the time she was age five.  She was ironing clothes and making NM's bed before she entered elementary school.

She was ladened with all NM's insecurities and complaints about family members since the age of three.  By 8 she was NM's confidant/psychologist.  She actually believed the lies NM told her about grandma, grandpa, and our father.  Soon she would believe the lies told to her about me and our brother and my sister.  Until the last time I saw her she was telling me she wanted to believe her mother - no matter if it's true or not.

Linda cared for the infants (me and my sister, Debbie) more than NM.  When a child was sick in the night, Linda got up to take care of him/her - wash the sheets and give the child a bath before redressing for bed.

 By the age of 12, Linda cut off all love and caring for the youngest child, as per directed by the NM.  She was suspicious of my brother too, and told me that NM said he was a problem child.  Labeled as such, poor Joey was to be out of her life soon after.  I was the only remaining sibling holding onto my fairy godmother, Linda.  Belinda, the most beautiful human being in the world.

I sat on the bathroom floor and listened to her endless stories about her friends and boy friends.  Her new clothes fit over her perfect body just right as I watched her pose in the mirror.  We moved to the bedroom where she allowed me to watch her dry and brush her wonderful princess long long lush hair - straight and perfect.  She fussed over every strand as I admired her beauty and told her so.  She would smile in agreement, then meticulously pluck her eyebrows and apply make up.

Me?  Oh, yeah.  I was the small child sitting there watching her.  The one who hadn't had a bath in two weeks.  Whose clothes were days old dirty.  Who didn't have clean underwear for tomorrow - yeah - that was me.  The one with a boy's haircut because NM insisted. Hadn't washed my hair in weeks.  No new or clean clothes.  No room of my own.

I begged the Golden Child to let me sleep in her room with her where everything matched like in a castle - where it was like an island away from the rest of the house.  Once in a great while she would allow it, but usually I was banished back to my room with my little sister who wet the bed.  In the summer our room smelled like pee.  NM never changed our sheets.  Even Linda didn't do it after some years.  She kept her own room and that was enough.

 GC was beginning to separate from the NM.  It would be a dark day when she actually left.

She did leave the day she turned 18.  She hooked up with a hitch hiking homeless drug addict, staying with him for 5 years, hitch hiking all over the country.  She was homeless for the next ten years.  Giving birth to two children without a home in which to sleep.

She remained with another drug addict, living in Florida - selling plants on the roadside.  For as many plants as you could fit in a stepvan, they took in three to five thousand dollars a day.  You do the math.  They moved their operation often from Connecticut to Florida.  All in the years cocaine was being smuggled through the Keys.  She contracted Hep C during these years.

Finally when the US government cracked down on the drug trafficking in the Florida Keys, she was offered a home from Habitat for Humanity.  When you get one of these homes, you know that when you sell it, you do not take from any profits.  The amount over and above your down payment or what you ended up paying (in her case it was 30 thousand dollars), goes back to Habitat for Humanity.  She used the home for caring for the elderly and finishing raising her two boys.

She sold the home in 2005 after befriending the Chapter President, convincing her to allow her to keep the profits.  A quarter of a million dollars profit!!  The President was let go and it was a front page story in the local paper for Key Largo.  GC and her boyfriend were run out of town.

She bought a beautiful home in Ocala, paying almost all cash, and set it up as a home care center for the elderly again.  She trolls for her patients at church.  Linda places the bait and casts the line.. sooner or later new blood finds it's way.  In the meantime, she luncheons with rich elderly who she believes will soon need assistance.

I wouldn't leave a goldfish in Linda's care, myself.

But for a big laugh - she's now got the NM!!  So what goes around finally does come around!!  I smile every time I remember it.

Ah yes.  The Golden Child and the NM finally back together in the end.  One lies and bitches about the other and the other is scheming for new blood.  And the boy friend is still in and out of the house and their lives which makes this all so much sweeter.

NM is a planner and manipulator.  But, she will have a hell of a time trying to do any of that with these two masters of manipulation and victimization.  All covered in the approval of the "church".

As I'm typing this I'm shaking my head.  It's just so ridiculous.

Innocent and kind people make these kinds of people sick. I used to find her (as adults), glaring at me like an evil stare.  I was puzzled.  I loved her so much - so I really thought.  I catch on slowly, but when I do... yeah.  I finally get it.

So, the fairy godmother sister act was just that - an act (allowing me in her space and life).  She finds it harder and harder to keep up the act.  As she gets older, it is more clear who she really is under that precious face and those beautiful blue eyes.  

Hope is on the Other Side of NM Awareness

I missed my dad when he was alive.  And I miss him so much now.

I remember sitting in my new Subaru in the driveway of my dad's new home in 1979.  The radio was playing The Cat's in the Cradle.  I knew this was him exactly, but then at the time I didn't know it was because of my NM's influence.  I thought to myself, I would NEVER ignore him.  I would try and try and try to reach him and touch his heart whenever I could, then, AND in his old age.

And I kept that promise.  I never forsook him.  I have no regrets there.  But it was 35 years of torture and work being lied about by the NM, and constantly backtracking to repair the lies.  I would NEVER want to have to do it again - but, for him... I have to say I could see myself doing a lot of it.  I loved him.

Thirty five years of cards, letters, books, movies, and tapes - thrown out, lost, destroyed.  Never reached him.  I made special trips to him to deliver personally gold and his wardrobe (which I always bought) to make sure he really got the items.  And to be with him and see him smile - listening to his stories and infectious laugh.  The three hour ride was a 6 hour driving day for the kids --- with new babies and all... it wasn't easy.  But, still he was worth it.

After some conversation and dinner he would go to bed.  Then the NM would bring out the big guns and begin devaluing the Egyptians, Palestinians, my husband, me, my kids, my siblings, my father... you name it.  I was a fool and stayed always late into the night.  Driving home with sleeping children at three in the morning.

The golden child though was always spoken of in a Royal Light.  NM made this homeless drug addict, alcoholic, thief, sound like a queen living in paradise.  Her un-kept and untrained children covered in mud - carrying knives at two - eight years old, were made out to be absolute angels.  NM went on and on and on about how wonderful they all are - just to see my confusion and wonderment.

Meanwhile my children were right there in her home visiting - clean, dressed in new, pressed clothes, behaving and loving. But NM didn't even hold or kiss them.  Hell, forget that.  She didn't even acknowledge their presence - except to insist they eat outside.

But those days are so far behind me now.  And I know now what and who NM is - This makes all the difference.  All the past hurt and confusion is finished now and answered.  Understood.

Just knowing that I'm guaranteed NO future hurt from the NM is liberating.  I still have the last half of my life left to live with my precious husband and adult children in our lives.  All devoid of negativity, drama, and lies from the NM.  It is like the best promise ever to know this.

So how is that a believing and forgiving heart suffers so much???  Made such a fool???  I never understood that - but there is another side.  On the other side of the lies, cruelty, and drama, is understanding, awareness, and hope.  That is hope without any part of the NM.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: To Answer the Question: Why can't Borderlines All...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: To Answer the Question: Why can't Borderlines All...: But Dustie accepts  Love A reader recently asked why borderlines can't allow love. Coming from a family of them, I can tell you t...

To Answer the Question: Why can't Borderlines Allow Love?

But Dustie accepts  Love

A reader recently asked why borderlines can't allow love.

Coming from a family of them, I can tell you that most don't even know what real love is or feels like.  They have a distorted definition for love, and even their own definition creeps them out.

Borderlines don't trust.  Hence they cannot love or allow one to love them.  Borderlines don't believe people who love, are in love - and or love them.

The feelings that are exposed or touched on when one shows love are distorted to creepy and uncomfortable for the borderline, and so the first thing a borderline is driven to do when one shows them genuine love is to push them away by punishing them.

Most borderlines were not ever really loved by their primary caregivers - (mothers) as infants - hence their emotional retardation to infancy.

An infant screams and kicks, but many times the reason for doing so isn't apparent, and the same with the adult borderline.  The neglected infant doesn't get what they are screaming for, and the borderline can never be satisfied.  Whether or not they are cared for as adults, borderlines although no longer neglected, behave and react as if they are - and everyone is the enemy.  For a time one can be what one of my borderlines calls a "prince", which means they are "for now" being terrific in the eyes of the borderline.  Then the devaluation begins.  The prince becomes a frog, and the borderline rages either to herself or others, and lists a dozen tit for tat reasons to run the person out of her life.  (They do this by punishing, raging, swearing, and making it impossible to be with them).

You see love to a borderline becomes a cycle of wonderfulness, judgement, devaluation, and destruction. It is way easier to be avoidant.  They will call themselves a simpleton - or a person not too interested in the details of a others' lives or their relationship.

Borderlines cannot return love so avoiding real love is best for them.  They are emotionally bankrupt and on overload all at the same time.  Love is none of those things.  If you spend time with a borderline, you will see that they are only capable of giving emotionally very very little.  There is nothing left.  It looks like they don't care about you, their family, pets, or anything, - BUT it's not that - They CAN'T care anymore than than bit that you see briefly.  They just can't.  They will go to bed.  For a walk.  To work.  Anything to avoid having to be loving and caring - even for sick pets or family members they claim to "love".

It is very sad.  But, there is hope.  If they choose to get better, help is available.

I hope that answers the question about borderlines not allowing love.  I hope you can keep your boundaries and remember to do for and care for yourself.  And don't take it personally that your borderline doesn't love you.

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Answering the Question: Why do Borderlines Devalu...

With a Hop Skip and a Jump... Moving Forward: Answering the Question: Why do Borderlines Devalu...: Little Dustie Here isn't about to Devalue Anything  A reader recently asked why Borderlines devalue others and hate.   I have...

Answering the Question: Why do Borderlines Devalue and Hate?

Little Dustie Here isn't about to Devalue Anything 

A reader recently asked why Borderlines devalue others and hate.

I have to say that it's not so much that they hate as it is that they are afraid of the true feelings of love.  In order to avoid these feelings, or even avoid recognizing them, Borderlines push people away, punish kindness, and distort reality.

It is when Borderlines feel overwhelmed by the increasing closeness and love of others that they begin devaluing everything about the person who is trying to love them.  

This is called splitting.  In splitting, the Borderline has decided to devalue the person to the point of being all bad in his/her eyes - eventually labeling them as "difficult" and not healthy for them to keep in their life.  Usually, they project onto the loving and now confused person, their own faults - calling them toxic and unhealthy.  This way the Borderline feels free and guiltless in walking away from such a person - - - eventually, everyone.

Splitting on the other end of the spectrum is when the Borderline is lonesome and decides to see the person now as all good.  Everything about the person is just wonderful.  Until. .. You guessed it.  The person shows how much he or she cares by offering help, money, gifts, love, respect, patience - you name it.  It's all off limits to the Borderline, and the person doing so will suffer the consequences.  This must be where the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished" comes from.

Borderlines devalue everything thing except appreciation.  They want to be thanked over and over - and appreciated.  They expect a tit for tat relationship, but a little more tat.  They need you to give more.  They will tell you to and demand you do.  Then when you do, the devaluing begins.  

To the reader who asked the question.  Do yourself a favor.  If your Borderline refuses to find help  for self improvement, awareness, and growth - give up on figuring how to make them happy.  You cannot.  You will only be exhausting and hurting yourself.  Find a way to stay out of this persons life and distorted world.