As a child, I didn't know any better. All I knew then was to be good - really good. Maybe my borderline father and psychopath mother would find fault in a sibling instead.
As a teenager, the message was very clear that it was selfish to do anything other than care for the needs of the NM (narcissistic/psychopath mother). Her business required most of my time and energy. Her personal needs were also my job.
She never had to make her bed or load or unload a single bag of groceries. Dishwasher. Vacuuming was a given - daily - everywhere. Washing clothes - 5 loads a day. Everything and anything to keep NM happy and not trashing me.
Even so, the slashes to my self respect and very soul, like from a razor slicing a gash from the top of my precious head to beneath the last chakra, were so deep. When it reaches there, you almost pee your pants.
NM's screaming slashing by the mouth was bad, but her lies were the worst. Lies about me to others... about others to me. Most especially the lies she told our already borderline father. She tried so desperately to take his love from all of us (me and my siblings).
Those lies of then, and the lies she surely is coming up with now no longer can touch me. This is because I simply do not care anymore.
My father is deceased and she can no longer play the same game with him - but, she picked right up where she left off, dealing a new hand to my brother and sister in Florida, who eagerly picked up their cards in a rush to judgement. I still don't care.
I decided that finally my life is going to be about being positive, healthy, happy, and Alive!! I now care about me, my husband and children, and my family and neighbors in Cairo. I love my friends I've made both in the United States and all over the world over the last three years as well. These are the people who were there for me when the NM's lies finally almost took me out during that four-year depression. When on the phone my own sisters were walking their dogs, and the one told me "Well, I hear you, but I have too much on my plate already." I was calling from my bed. A last attempt to reach out before giving up.
Alive! Instead, now I'm alive because I no longer care about the sister's plate being full, or her opinion, or the NM, or the other sister who's controlling, or the brother who sadly believes all the NM's lies. I don't care.
That's the key folks. You can't care ANYMORE. You have cared enough and where did it get you in dealing with these (monsters) really. Family or not, if people or someone is using you, lying about you, lying about others to you, manipulating you, controlling you, humiliating you, laughing at you, etc., STOP caring. About them, about what they are doing or saying. STOP CARING.
Suddenly, I have time. There is plenty of time in my life for pedicures, manicures, facials, buying and eating whole and good foods, exercise, reading, writing, and quiet time with my husband.
Suddenly, everything looks different. The flowers even seem to last longer. The seasons are all beautiful, not only the ones I favor. The NOW is felt and appreciated.
I listen to understand. I think more before I speak. I feel the good and the bad emotions without overreacting. I don't judge others - I try so hard not to. I know what the red flags are to spot a narcissist and I avoid these "people" now. I don't have any road rage. My anxiety is nearly GONE. That's the biggest one. Following that, my appetite is diminished to normal. I am no longer hungry all the time. And when I do eat, a very small portion fills me. That's a miracle!!
Since I began this healing journey, I have taken off 75 pounds... I have about 50 to go, but I am not pursuing this weightloss. It is pursuing me. The pounds are peeling away without any forced discipline on my part. The rest of the weight I'm sure will come off with my newfound love for myself.
It's about feeling better. If taking care of myself makes me feel better, that's a plus. And if feeling better i.e. (no anxiety) means an unexpected weightloss, it's also a plus. If not hearing a pack of lies feels much better than being in the mix of the NM's lies - that's certainly the greatest of the pluses.
You know, when I was 20, I was young, and a shower a day was about all I did to take care of myself, but that certainly wasn't enough. I allowed other narcissists into my life after leaving the house of the NM. I came last.
When I found my wonderful husband and got married. That was great, but I still took care of myself the same way. A daily shower - some makeup. Then my house, I kept very clean. Then I had three children who I kept as clean as could be. Babies got two baths a day. Fresh clothes three times a day. Toddlers two. Laundry never ended. I still didn't care for myself - not like I did for my kids and my home.
But, now. Finally, after my mind, body, and soul suffered enough neglect, and called out for help, I paid attention. I had no choice. They were screaming with depression, obesity, and a near death experience until I took a stand. I stood up for myself.
The last person left in my life from my family of origin called me selfish for doing so - GO FIGURE. But, still, I stood my ground. Escorting her and the rest of them out of my interior circle - I began my last leg of the healing journey. And here I am. Still here. Still alive. Not dead, even though she predicted I would be.
I am not an illicit drug user or ever was, or an alcoholic. Just obese with a history of anxiety and depression. Yet, I've been so persecuted by my family of origin. My one sister told me that if it weren't for my husband she could see me on skid row in the streets. I don't know whether or not she was projecting or really telling me what she thought. But, she's a borderline who refuses help, so you can bet, whatever, it's all just toxicity.
That's it. Toxic people can't be helped by us. Show them the door. Then don't care.
Finally, just don't care.
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