If I can Catch up Emotionally in Life ... Anyone Can

So then I ask myself, "Why do I care so much?  Why can't I just stop caring?"  Then, the sinking answer floods my mind.  These abusive people are my family of origin.  I have loved them. And sadly, love never dies or just goes away.  I can't put them in a box and stuff it in the farthest corners of my mind.  I can't not care.

I've done the most work so far surrounding the NM.  I really don't care as much about her anymore.  I might always love her as my birth mother - the first person in my life (if you could call her that), but I don't have to care about her anymore.  What she's lying about now - where she is - what she is doing - how she's is - who she is victimizing now - and worstly, how much she got over on me.  How much love, time, patience, ENERGY, and even personal funds I spent trying to please her for fifty years.  I really have been able to let that go.

I can think of all of these abusive people - the BPD sister, NH sister, Damaged brother, NM - all of them and their behaviors as having been learning experiences.  Even though it took me 50 years to learn.  I finally did.  I guess that's what matters.

I do care about my BPD sister and I love her - the her that is real.  And my Damaged brother - I love him also.  My NH sister is dangerous and I don't have to care about her - believe me, I don't.  But, still, I love the her that is real - the authentic part of her I knew 50 years ago.

For some reason, my siblings all have difficulty being real - authentic.  That so-sacred part of themselves is tucked so far beneath fear and control that you hardly ever could see it now.

My BPD father and me were always real to a fault.  But we understood each other and we totally got each other.  I had that connection with him since I was a baby.  That may be the only thing that saved me from being totally unhelpable if you will - always knowing that he loved me.  After him, my mother in law picked up where he left off and then the 28 years with my husband where he took the ball.

If it weren't for my dad, Sittoo, and Khaled... I don't know what would have become of me - being that I am  such a sensitive.  I can feel auras - read people, situations instantly - very attuned to the workings of energy.  It's both helpful and could be harmful, depending on how developed your emotional intelligence is - and mine was pretty shaky for a long time.  Very emotionally immature.

But, if I can catch up emotionally in life, anyone can.

Cognitive dissonance keeps me going over these things because there is an ambivalence to my feelings about each and every family member.

Firstly, in freeing myself of seeing these people ever again, I find myself further and faster in recovery than ever before.

Now, I am working on being satisfied with all of the hows, whys, and who's I have come to understand about.... and lastly, freeing my mind as well.

I managed I might add, to get rid of the IF ONLYS in my mind.  I couldn't care less anymore about if only this and if only that --- things would have been so much better.  I am satisfied that I was supposed to live my life the way that I have in order to learn what I have so far.  It's as simple as that - and the pondering of the if onlys is a really stupid waste of time and energy.

Now to get the rest down.  Baby steps...