The Fear in the Personality Disorder

The underlying theme of this blog is fear. But I figure since most fear is learned, it must be true that we can learn, for the most part, to become fearless.

The overwhelming power of the abuser becomes nothing more than smoke and mirrors to the awakened and enlightened victim. Then, too, it doesn't take long to discover that there really is nothing to fear.

All personality disorders are rooted in fear, as are anxiety and neurotic conditions.

We fear retribution in far reaching forms of punishment.  As abused and neglected children, our brains were actually formed differently than those of children with loving mothers.  In this formation is a kind of written in stone pattern of negative expectations.

The good and quiet child - the attentive child, especially, learns that such behavior elicits better treatment, if only less abuse. This child is highly sensitive to any and all behaviors of others.  Depending how the abuser behaves, the child feels either okay or fearful.

Since the abuser often ignores the child, he/she feels both unloved and safe - and to a degree like what little comfort he/she has gotten will be taken away forever.  This is the foundation for the condition Borderline Personality Disorder.  The ongoing cognitive dissonance the child experiences results in a pattern to set him/her up for a lifetime of confusion and distrust in interpersonal relationships.

Worse than the ambivalence these folks feel about others all their lives, is the total misunderstanding of his/her own personality - even their own behaviors.  Borderlines will tell you that they are not aware of any of their negative behaviors - even only hours after having raged.  They will tell you with a straight face that you are mistaken and that they don't ever do those things.  They don't use curse words, they have a million reasons for whatever disturbing behaviors being pointed out, and furthermore, they will attack the person helping them (turning it around - making them the problem).  There seems a kind of dissociation of sorts with them, their speech, and who they really are at the moment they are 'defending' these behaviors.  My borderline spoke to me like I was an employee.  The borderline tried reprimanding me for trying to help him/her and our relationship. Finally escorting me out the door - the borderline not only wasn't interested, he/she didn't care.  I often wonder if maybe the borderline simply can't care.  That's more like it.  Not because they cannot, but because it is too painful to do so.

They are in a great deal of pain, but not interested in getting rid of it - getting help - or becoming well.  It's very sad, but we must accept this and respect their boundaries.

One day your borderline may finally look for help - it's out there.  AJ Mahari is online everywhere and she is a very good resource.