The Avoidant and the Ambivalent reactions to the Unloving Mother

Dustie at 8 weeks old

The infant and child's Avoidant and Ambivalent reactions to the unloving mother.

Peg Streep says that there are studies that show that the infant that is conditioned to be Ambivalent about the non loving mother's inattentive behavior, learns to expect and look for any sign of connection.  One mother now - another mother later.  At some point there might be that thread of attention which the infant holds onto.  For me, I think it was the little time of each day my daddy paid attention to me.  That connection remained with us until his death.  However, he verbally abused me in childhood, and much of it was due to the lies and manipulations of the NM.  My brother remembers them laughing after, and me crying.  That's disturbing.  Sorry, even my precious dad was pulled into her web all the time - pleasing her.

But the Avoidant reactive infant gives up and doesn't care, and never learns to trust.  Then the child doesn't care either.  Similarly, the adult child who doesn't become aware or seek council remains not caring. This child, as a child, gets physically punished for not caring.  For not playing the narcissistic mother's game.

In adulthood, both the avoidant and the ambivalent person is lied about by the NM, and shunned until she/he either becomes a willing accomplice in NM's lies and manipulations on themselves and others, or goes no contact.  

I always felt bad that my little sister was so physically abused by the NM at a very early age.  Under three.  And at three I remember the NM slamming her with flyswatters on bare buttocks.  NM even brags to this day that she broke a flyswatter a week on this child.  Now, I see why she did this only to her.  Awful.

That's exactly how it was too.  My little sister remained not caring and no contact for the duration of her adult life with the NM - and I remained in contact until our father's death when I was 50.  All of those years were spent with me looking for that crumb of approval... that bone to be tossed ... that one word of encouragement about anything no matter how unimportant - hoping yet still the good mother the infant in me hoped for would appear and I would be forgiving.  I was already loving.

Loving and hoping and seeking lie upon lies and participating in manipulations upon manipulations compromised my health.  I do NOT recommend doing this.. - Playing the NM's game.  Ever.
Get out early.

Go No Contact.  Tell your dad the truth and trust that if he really loves you he will see you away from her.  Even if NM has him on a short leash.  If he wants a relationship with you, he'll have to grow a set.

You need to be working as diligently on yourself and your own reactions and behaviors as you did all those years to reach the NM.  All of that energy now must be spent on YOU and your recovery.
There are so many groups that are really helpful.  Counsel is really recommended.. psychotherapy is a great idea.  Help with the inevitable PTSD if you haven't learned already how to deal with this.

And as I always say, there is so much to live for outside of the insanity of the NM!!  Life is such a good thing in recovery ... and forever ...  Peace my friends and you can do it!!