The borderline is already experiencing stress so far as you can gather, and that means the controlling will be over the top. Micro management controlling.
It starts with.... these are the couple of dishes you can use and try not to scratch them. The stove cannot be scratched or it will be destroyed and the borderline cannot afford to buy a new one. The dog's leashes will be held up in your face and you will be instructed how to walk a dog and use a leash (I am a fully trained horse and dog person btw). You will be demanded to move this and fix that and no no don't do that - I don't like it that way. You might be asked, if something is different to the borderline in the home, if YOU did it.. "Did you unplug that??" You name it. "Did you lose the remote? Did you drop it behind the sofa and not tell me? Why did you buy cream? Didn't you SEE there is still some left?" Nothing you do to contribute will be enough or right.
Now you are walking on those eggshells. Using the microwave, but now that's caught fire and the borderline spends two and a half hours cleaning it and the whole kitchen, slamming and cursing under his/her breath. Now you are jumping through hoops. "Can I help with this or that?" "NO NO don't put it in THAT garbage can... I'll do it", says the borderline. And, oh... "Was it you that made coffee and spilled water on the counter? God! It's all over the dogfood on the shelf below!!" Later, you look to see if you can maybe buy a new bag of dog food and you realize on the shelf below, it is only a small bowl of dog food that was in question. And yeah, not soaking wet.
You might need a change of glasses, but you didn't think you actually caused a flood like that... Yep, you are in it. Full force now. It only gets worse. A lot of foul language, mostly under the breath, but disturbing just the same. It hits me in the middle of my back and makes me feel sick. Very negative atmosphere.
Looking back, I see that my treading so lightly was not respecting myself enough to set boundaries - and when you don't respect yourself, others mightn't either.
You want more than anything for this borderline who you care about to understand they need help.. and that in order for things to evolve, your relationship needs to grow. The trick is how to tread on this eggshell....
You are useless just like the borderline is muttering under their breath. The entire week.
But if you didn't go, the borderline would have called you selfish because he/she came to your place in support of you other times. If you do go, you are selfish for placing boundaries like ....If you say, "I have a problem with the controlling." That won't go over well. It's, no matter how kindly you dance around it - a CONFRONTATION. Try being softer about it.. OH, now you get, "Who are YOU to be condescending to ME?" You will not get through to an acting out borderline. It's painful. They can't help it and they can't help themselves - and they certainly don't want YOU to help.
But you must help yourself.
If you decide to be medicated to just get through it, be careful - that sucks too. They are MORE controlling, then, and you will want to be more medicated. This happened to me once. The last time in my life to medicate myself. The last time I actually ever had to.
I told the borderline after being there a full week, what the reasons were for my not wanting to be there - and instead of listening and trying to understand, I was escorted out of the house by an uncaring, avoidant borderline. I even told the borderline if this wasn't addressed then, I would never be able to return. Didn't matter. I was given a bottle of water from the fridge and guided through the back door.
I never returned. But I did continue my healing. I for sure ended my problem with placing boundaries with people then and there. It wasn't too long after that we were NC even online for a good while.
But, I kept working on myself. I placed all the boundaries that were screaming in my life to be placed. I took care of myself first for the first time in my life. And I was selfish. Yes I was. Yes I am. And I am so much better. My life is so much better. The whole world seems so much better in my eyes now.
I want borderlines to find this peace, and from what I hear from mine, now, some long time later, I think it might be possible.
Yeah peace first - then the falling into place.
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