Work on Yourself

                                   Work On Yourself

Work On Yourself means taking your energy, time, and focus off of the personality-disordered individual in your life and restoring a more healthy balance where you spend an appropriate amount of time on improving your own situation - regardless of what the person who suffers from the personality disorder does.

It doesn't mean going over and over in your mind what the person misunderstands, might need, and the fact that some of their abusive patterns might be non-intentional.  

Stop second guessing yourself - whether you did enough - or if because of your enabling their behavior, they only got worse and that's why you ended up NC.

All of this mental landfill dumping is non productive - not to mention draining.  I guarantee that the person isn't concerned in the least.  In fact, they are relieved to be rid of you after you began placing boundaries and insisting that they be authentic when relating with you.  The very idea of doing so is their worst nightmare, so it was over that first moment.  

The only thing left for them was to fix on something lacking in you that they could  play tit for tat with in order to save some kind of face.  If you are like me, you will even give them something to go for because you are just that afraid of confronting these scary types.  And it's actually easier for me to say look you're not the only one here that has problems.  

Sometimes There Just aren't Enough Rocks

Now, it's over, and they can tell themselves that, yeah, they are abusive, but you are disrespectful and irresponsible (depending upon what you end up doing).  Yeah. I know.  But, remember, you are in the process of healing, and if that's the only solution you could manage - hey, at least you did something.  And at least you are free of the abusive 'relationship'.

Doing even a minor infraction gives their ego a major blow and they will show you all kinds of righteous indignation.  These Borderline(and mine was also skitzoid avoidant) types have to be right.  They don't care how you feel about what they've done to you.  They are so out of touch with their own 'feelings'  and their own reality, really, that given the opportunity to be right about something they will jump on it and enjoy your humiliation.  Anger seems the only working spot-on.emotion here.   

So first you set the boundaries, then they pull out the selective amnesia and selective memory.  When you force them to accountability anyway, they stop the process - meeting's off.  You are dismissed like a bad pupil or employee.  

You know what.  Do yourself a favor and just walk away.  If it's family, maybe it's best to forget about holding them accountable.  Let them turn the tables on you as they will - let them be in denial of their abusive behavior, and let them be right.  You are okay with that, but you cannot return to their place ever again.  You are not angry.  Just gather your things and dismiss yourself.  Yeah.  That might just be a lot easier.    

Whatever method to get out, just remember that you are now working on yourself.  This means taking your energy, time, and focus off of the personality-disordered individual in your life - and to restore a healthy balance to where you spend an appropriate amount of time on improving your own situation.