Surviving the NM Unbroken......

I think that even with how awful my NM was to me, that I was even harder on myself over most of the years of my life.

Even now there are a few mistakes that can make me torture myself with regret and shame.  But only those few now.  No longer do I scrutinize everything I do.  No more threat of the removal of joy from even the sweetest experiences.

Life is much more sure now.  When I look back on the sweet times raising my little ones I can see every precious moment.

When the times were happening, I enjoyed them, only they were always punctuated by looming threats of the NM.  They often were shaken unsteadily by lurking lies that were circulating in the family from the NM of which I was never privy.  But I could feel the turbulence.  It wasn't until 25 years later that one of the 5 members of the family involved, finally broke the secrets and told me the lies.  It was both expected and shocking.  They were unbelievable and unending!!  And even then this person told me that some she would never disclose as they were even more painful.  I can't imagine. 

I knew of course, the lies NM told me about all the others, but it was good to finally hear about the lies she told about me.  Finally there were answers to why I was treated and received as I was all those years.  I really give my Dad the goldest of stars because she played him the worst against me and he still loved me.  For that reason, she was most creative and clever with her lies about me to him.  Sadly, I think he believed her, but still loved me.  I really do.  Until, his death.  Then and only then did he figure out on his own most of her evil.

Your Story is Safe With Me

I am not angry that she did this to all of us.  I am very relieved to be able to feel and say that I am not angry now.  I sit here typing this like I am digesting the meaning of a horrible story.  I am sad for the loss of real connection with my siblings due to this, and the loss of real good quality time spent with my Dad  -  We stole what we could.  But I am not angry.  I understand.  I am no longer broken or a victim of the NM either.  And that in itself is a miracle.