What a difference from holding onto the contempt for weeks, months, and even years! All that wasted time and energy makes me now just shake my head. I just couldn't for so many years understand how to do what I did over the past few days.
My brain was wired as an infant and small child that I had no right to ever be 'angry' - and certainly no right to express my feelings - especially not an opposing opinion. So, it took 50 years to learn to rewire - or better, yet rework the way in which I now process such things. I have to really map out and think about such things to achieve a 'normal' cycle of events, and a prompt positive outcome. But, that's okay. I am thrilled to now understand how to do it AND how important it is to my health to do so.
If I can keep this anger thing where it belongs.........non existent for the most part, I am home free from depression, I believe. AND that's really great.
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Then last night it hit me. What's really wrong with my sister who I love and I know is not behaving like the person she really is on the inside. The person I love. The person I for now cannot be around.
She's Manic Depressive and Borderline! At least now I see what it might be. There is a name for exactly how she behaves.
I mean the horrendous mood swings - the massive energy blasts filled with lots of detached thinking, running back and fourth, constant phone calls in between giant burst of aimless energy, very impulsive, and extreme ANGER. All of this is followed by what you could put on a schedule and a timer - what I used say was "she cycles". This is major sullen mood, quietness, long sleeping, extreme irritability, negativity, and micro management/controlling behavior.
When we were in Florida for four months writing about our psychopath mother and researching the pathology, she was showing this behavior on a much smaller scale - and I dealt with it, still not quite knowing what it was - maybe, I thought, she was reacting to all we were learning. It was heavy material.
But then when I left and came home (no break up - it was time to finish the trip) she really felt abandoned by me and slipped back into this relationship with her ex-husband who was waiting in the wings for this opportunity. He is a perfect fit with her pathology. Co-dependency - Chapter One. They stay sick together and operate safely so, only abusively so - but to them it's normal and feels right somehow. He's a narcissist/perfectionist she's a borderline.
She followed my move shortly after and put her place in Florida up for sale in a heartbeat, then moved back in with the ex. When she became angry over this rash decision making, she made even more extreme and rash decisions - one after the other - topping off with the purchase of a home and property with in a couple of weeks.
Finding herself back in the North, now in yet another home (having spent yet tens of thousands more on the moves, the furnishings, taxes, and property - she was ANGRY. Angry she said with the ex for telling her he wasn't supporting her - if she was living with him, she had to pay rent and pay for his groceries and house bills.
This guy is a trip. I couldn't believe she was going back to him. But. In her mind, he's the only one who puts up with her condition (so much misplaced anger). No matter what wacko thing she does to him and their relationship, he is waiting in the wings and it is 'normal' for them to hurt each other this way and expect the other to 'lick their wounds' and then go back to "normal" until the next cycle.
They speak to each other like robots. They both don't know who they are. It's the most unhealthy thing I can think of - and the stress and oppression is palpable. They are both control freaks. He controls her and she NEEDS to control others - her dogs, her "employees" as she loves to call them, her children and me as she tried. They speak to each other like employees. She also did that to me, but when I told her and she let the duping delight grin slip. It was then that I had the first glimpse into what this all might be.
This girl is the ANGRIEST person I have ever seen. What I saw the week of the fence project at her new place last year (the story is in other posts) was not only what looked like pure evil, it was HER - her anger. It scared me enough to leave and pledge to never go back.
All of this and she is still in total denial. Telling her anything for intelligent discussion is challenging, as she promptly dismisses everything I say, whether or not she is angry. But I told her of my boundaries. I explained that they were my reaction to her increasing behavior. She denied the behavior and after I left she said she consulted this ex husband for the truth. He concurred she's a control freak, and she said she would now be paranoid.
I only was able to ever confront her on one or two small points in order not to 'hurt' her and for her to comprehend what I was trying to say. She as her mother does, used all the tricks to distract me in order to derail the message - but I held steady before she got up and declared the meeting finished. But even this was anger masked with a fake goodbye and actually handing me a bottle of water for the ride.
Humbly, I asked her if she thought we could fix this whatever is happening to us and she retorted "There's nothing to fix". It was a good time to tell her, just before she escorted me out that I wouldn't be returning - so that she didn't appreciate my last visit. Fine. - It wouldn't be happening again. That was fine with her - she smiled and was satisfied.
So ANGER is huge with all of her odd behavior. And when I think about this, I can see where my own anger originating from the psychopath mother and her non love and total neglect of me and even, then, my children - has EVERYTHING to do with my own pathology. Anxiety and depression.
Having finally learned how to deal with this condition, this anger is diminishing. I cannot believe the difference in my life!! I wish I really got this like I get it now - when my children were little. The only saving grace there was I loved them so much. And I didn't have to control them or anyone. That has always been so ugly to me. But I made my share of mistakes - lacking in the kind of patience my husband had and has - and just being mentally spent / thinking of how to reach the love of my father without my mother destroying everything for us forever. It took a toll. A lifetime toll. And my kids paid the price with my preoccupation.
I wanted to get better. Debbie kept saying in Florida and then up here before we split that she didn't need to get better. Somehow she wasn't affected by moms non love - she didn't need it - she never cared. I could see where, of all of us, she was the most neglected and the most damaged. I could see where her frightening behavior and angry evil glares could cut right through a person. I wanted to help her to see this also and to get better, but it was too much for me to tackle.
As I was getting better, she was getting much worse. As I was expressing my love for her - for the little girl I see inside of her (who she will not allow anyone to reach) she was shoving me away with a dismissive attitude, distrust, and denial. She even went so far as to say there is no little girl that I see, and that she needs not hugs nor love for 'her'. She coldly insists we must have been raised in very different households. She said we had very different childhoods. (We are two and a half years apart in age, raised in the same home with the same mother and father).
When she accused me of lying to her about the use of a computer (when by the way I was doing her a giant favor at the time), and about whether or not you could cut a penny in half with super shears.. I began to think I was alone now in this journey of 'getting better'. After the fence project, I was SURE I was alone in the 'relationship'. She was dishonest with me that whole week about a personal matter she assumed I would judge. Distrust was big with her. I realized what I mostly had with her was oppression, distrust, dishonesty, and a put-on persona. I couldn't reach the real person no matter how vulnerable I made myself - no matter how much I tried.
I found that the closest I ever got to her was in the giving of gifts - THE SAME AS WITH THE NM. I wouldn't be so bold as to put her in NM's category, but she sure does have some of the traits. She wouldn't accept my truth, my love, my heart - but she did pretty well accepting household items, money, groceries, and gold. The groceries really play a part in her life. She LOVES when someone buys her groceries. I didn't quite get it, but I was happy to do so. Then I realized that the ex husband was making her pay her fair share for groceries, besides all of his other living expenses. It seemed like everything he did to her that was unfair or unloving, she took out on others, and expected them to make up for it. (It makes sense here when I remember her telling me after it was all over that she didn't get out of me what she wanted).
When I organized a housewarming with her girls, I was shocked they didn't bring their mother a gift!! But, they did bring the groceries they'd be eating. And they cooked them there. I realize now that they know her, and that it is groceries that mean more to her than anything else. If I had a dollar for every time I heard her mention groceries and who bought what and how great it is that she has these groceries and "It works for me" she would say - I could buy an order of groceries right now. BTW she punished me for that 'party', saying her girls should know better - that she hates things like that :( That was the beginning of the week of the fence project where she treated me just terribly. It was over after that.
Once, I did confront her about that week and her behavior in general, she denied everything. She finished with telling me that I was selfish, and that my volunteering at the animal shelter was selfish too. I know, I know, it's laughable. But, she meant the way in which I wanted to volunteer. Walking and playing with the dogs. The days I wanted. Still laughable. But not really. It's sad. It sort of shows that in her world there is NO pleasing. She would find fault with Jesus, I'm sure, if she hung around with him for a while. I'm sure of it.
The ANGER though. It's the root of all depression. And it's so easy to rid yourself of it once you realize where it comes from. You can then put things into perspective. Learn to place boundaries and learn what is reasonable and what is unreasonable. For ANGRY people like my sister, realize you must forgive yourself and others, and mostly RESPECT and LOVE yourself and others. Be happy with yourself. Know who you are - find out who you are. And for her.... I still say go back as far as you can in your life to find who you really are and learn to love her (that her/you that is so far deep inside yourself). She wouldn't let me love her, but maybe if she loves herself, she will finally let someone else in.
Our father must have died with the heaviest heart knowing all of this about all of us, and knowing it was our mother's fault and his non-action against her that helped fuel it. He told me when I was 18 that he would never steer me wrong. What father feels the need to voice that to their child? The father who knows that the child is so insecure and so confused by life, love, non love, self love, and the Narcissistic/Psychopath mother, that she needs such a prerequisite, that's who. Very sad. He knew. Oppression. He was helpless also.
I hope my sister comes to me one day all better. Other than her children, I hope that one day she finally experiences real love. I wanted so badly to share that with her - the love I have - the love my family enjoys. She was welcome here and treated well and shown much love. Every member of my family was as available to her when she was here as they were to me. She didn't know what to do with it - she wanted to leave. She was on the phone much of the time, plotting with the abusive ex, her departure. Still, I tried to be a good sister and a good support to her even as she was short with me for washing her laundry close to when she said she was leaving. "Why did you put in in NOW??? I TOLD you I was leaving!" I haven't lived that way (been spoken to that way) since all those years ago as a child with the NM.
ANGER. It's a really bad thing. I hope it goes away for her. I'd love to be real sisters like we touched on that four months in Florida - only there, she was play acting 'best behavior'. I'd like for it to be real and easy. Just live and let live and enjoy life and each other. That would be so nice.
2 comments:
Finally, I think this puts the Debbie and Susie saga in perspective for once and for all. I have said it all right here in a little nutshell. I have no need after this to revisit the subject ever again.
I could only add here that my intentions here are as they were from the start of our re-connection three years ago - to get better - and to love her.
My hope for her is to get better also, and that one day she will get better and one day find true love and respect - for herself and for and from others.
I really hope that she can unload that debilitating anger. Anger is obviously behind all of the disturbing behavior outlined here - and it is exactly that which is making her so exhausted.
Being so angry and so controlling would make anyone tired. She told me that people steal her energy, but I know that it's her own Anger and Control issues that deplete her energy.
I told her as gently as I could to hear people, and see people and herself - to try to understand what fundamentally holds the key beginning the process of healing, feeling... and loving.
The blinders she clings so diligently to will not budge ... Not even enough to see who she really is..... So seeing and hearing others seemed to her an unattainable and unnecessary task.
This was a sad thing to see because I knew that her behavior was NOT who she was - and I told her this many times. I wanted the best for her then as I do now - Just as I did for the NM all those year... and too for my father.
The ball is in her court. I hope she gets better. To know that one day she became whole and happy and found love would really be nice.
Here it's in a nutshell, but it's labeled possible bi-polar. I think in rereading the extreme symptoms... it's better called Borderline Personality Disorder. This is outlined in the Borderline post which I wrote a short time later. I found this to be the best example of what I saw with this person the full three years I was in her life. But anyway labels aren't always so wonderful and do a disservice. But the behavior cannot ever be denied. It's obvious. If you ever see this kind of behavior you know it really something off the wall. And as you read about off the wall conditions, this behavior really seems Borderline, Bi-Polar, and even Narcissistic to a degree.
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