The Borderline's emotions are dysregulated, so he/she cycles from mood to mood. These moods include impulse control issues, with the satisfaction of that changing the fear resulting from perceived abandonment to temporary wellness - It gets them by.
Everything the Borderline does or even thinks about is underlined with fear. This overwhelming, looming fear rules the Borderline's entire life from how they behave to how they feel, and even what they believe.
Anger and the lack of trust are their biggest issues. Their birth mother or infant caregiver broke their trust by not meeting their needs ,and as they grew they were ignored and devalued by this person. Not having their needs met, by not being loved and cuddled and not having clean bed sheets and clean clothes, reinforced the feelings of devaluation and invisibility - even hate. Anger is the twin sister to fear, so now the Borderline is angry.
At one time in the Borderline's life, they behaved to counteract this world of distrust and non-love, but now this behavior isn't serving a purpose. In fact, the Borderline sees their own bad behavior in others instead of seeing it in themselves. Like the caregiver, the Borderline doesn't even see him/herself. The Borderline sees only others, and projects his/her behaviors and problems onto them.
Borderlines are suspicious, distrusting, controlling, and unloving as much as they are loving, honest, and trustworthy. They don't realize that it is them that shows signs of problematic traits - NOT others. A Borderline might decide to surround him/herself with "healthy" people to avoid having to deal with bad behaviors ... but what the Borderline doesn't realize is that the bad behavior is from them. They need to be vigilant about themselves and their own behaviors and reactions, instead of judging others.
Borderlines need to listen to hear and to understand, and check their own reactions. Very important. Their overblown, over the top, exaggerated reactions have to be kept in check. Terms like Furious, Extremely, and even pillar of the community. These descriptions are how the Borderline actually feels when describing others, but the rest of the world does not feel and see things this way all the time. Those exaggerated terms are reserved for seldom usage, but the Borderline uses these terms regularly.
Borderlines need to briefly go back and find their self again, and nurture him/her up to the present age. Other people around them are their own selves. They are the partier, the fisherman, the camper, the world traveler, the reader, the beachcomber, and so on, who are separate selves that others have developed over the years. Now, the Borderline can know and enjoy befriending these folks, but doesn't have to become them. There has to be a healthy separation between the Borderline and their family, friends, and significant other.
Boundaries must be respected and set with every relationship, and the Borderline has to learn that other people's boundaries are not a selfish act, and they need to respect the person and their boundaries. Often times when a person places a boundary with a Borderline they see this as bad behavior - or when one refuses to walk on eggshells for the Borderline... this is a problem. Goodness, Borderlines of all people should know that it is something to almost celebrate when someone loves themselves and others enough to place boundaries!
So you have fear and above that is dysregulated emotions. Above the dysregulated emotions are distorted feelings and the not knowing what it is sometimes that they are feeling. This brings on the fear of abandonment because after all, if it doesn't feel good and it also feels confusing - it must be impeding abandonment (the threat that was given to them from birth). Over that is the impulse control. This is acted out in different ways - sexually, spending, eating, drugs, gambling. Then a temporary feeling of okayness, followed briefly by the dysregulation again.
There is some comparing with others - how do I look compared to so and so ... how does this look to the community - the employer - the neighbors, even. Here you have the distorted beliefs and feelings, which escorts in the fear and onto the impulse issues. It is a cycle, but the Borderline never sees the cycle - never catches on - never gets it that it is he/she that is the problem 'has the problem' - Not the family, spouse, friends, neighbors.
Borderlines are NOT liars. They believe everything they say is true, and the way in which they say it is also believed by them. They are fully and greatly in love and lovers, wanting love - but when it is given, it feels oddly wrong - unfamiliar. It is known as "Get out, but please don't go." The Borderline needs to relearn love. Unconditional quiet love. And they can - and some do. It IS possible to learn all of this and STOP the cycling.
They cycle back to a provocation technique for conflict, instead, to in the end, hear the words. "I love you. I will never leave." In this way, the Borderline is satisfied and feels loved. The significant other, however still feels hurt by the provocation, and confused. The Borderline knows provocation and conflict much better than they do love, not to mention the subtleties of the dance of love in a real relationship between two separate people.
The Borderline and the Narcissist are the perfect match because the Narcissist will never leave. They enjoy the suffering of the Borderline. Healthy spouses, however, find staying more challenging, but many do remain and even try to find out what it is that the Borderline is suffering from, and how they could tackle it together.
That's what this blog hopes to accomplish.
To all the people out there who have loved ones that are Borderlines, may you and they find a way out - a way for the Borderline to feel real life and real love and living. I always recommend AJ Mahari and this is no exception. She's online, on facebook, on Ebooks, and Youtube. She is a life coach and teacher who gives countless sufferers hope.
Everything the Borderline does or even thinks about is underlined with fear. This overwhelming, looming fear rules the Borderline's entire life from how they behave to how they feel, and even what they believe.
Anger and the lack of trust are their biggest issues. Their birth mother or infant caregiver broke their trust by not meeting their needs ,and as they grew they were ignored and devalued by this person. Not having their needs met, by not being loved and cuddled and not having clean bed sheets and clean clothes, reinforced the feelings of devaluation and invisibility - even hate. Anger is the twin sister to fear, so now the Borderline is angry.
At one time in the Borderline's life, they behaved to counteract this world of distrust and non-love, but now this behavior isn't serving a purpose. In fact, the Borderline sees their own bad behavior in others instead of seeing it in themselves. Like the caregiver, the Borderline doesn't even see him/herself. The Borderline sees only others, and projects his/her behaviors and problems onto them.
Borderlines are suspicious, distrusting, controlling, and unloving as much as they are loving, honest, and trustworthy. They don't realize that it is them that shows signs of problematic traits - NOT others. A Borderline might decide to surround him/herself with "healthy" people to avoid having to deal with bad behaviors ... but what the Borderline doesn't realize is that the bad behavior is from them. They need to be vigilant about themselves and their own behaviors and reactions, instead of judging others.
Borderlines need to listen to hear and to understand, and check their own reactions. Very important. Their overblown, over the top, exaggerated reactions have to be kept in check. Terms like Furious, Extremely, and even pillar of the community. These descriptions are how the Borderline actually feels when describing others, but the rest of the world does not feel and see things this way all the time. Those exaggerated terms are reserved for seldom usage, but the Borderline uses these terms regularly.
Borderlines need to briefly go back and find their self again, and nurture him/her up to the present age. Other people around them are their own selves. They are the partier, the fisherman, the camper, the world traveler, the reader, the beachcomber, and so on, who are separate selves that others have developed over the years. Now, the Borderline can know and enjoy befriending these folks, but doesn't have to become them. There has to be a healthy separation between the Borderline and their family, friends, and significant other.
Boundaries must be respected and set with every relationship, and the Borderline has to learn that other people's boundaries are not a selfish act, and they need to respect the person and their boundaries. Often times when a person places a boundary with a Borderline they see this as bad behavior - or when one refuses to walk on eggshells for the Borderline... this is a problem. Goodness, Borderlines of all people should know that it is something to almost celebrate when someone loves themselves and others enough to place boundaries!
So you have fear and above that is dysregulated emotions. Above the dysregulated emotions are distorted feelings and the not knowing what it is sometimes that they are feeling. This brings on the fear of abandonment because after all, if it doesn't feel good and it also feels confusing - it must be impeding abandonment (the threat that was given to them from birth). Over that is the impulse control. This is acted out in different ways - sexually, spending, eating, drugs, gambling. Then a temporary feeling of okayness, followed briefly by the dysregulation again.
There is some comparing with others - how do I look compared to so and so ... how does this look to the community - the employer - the neighbors, even. Here you have the distorted beliefs and feelings, which escorts in the fear and onto the impulse issues. It is a cycle, but the Borderline never sees the cycle - never catches on - never gets it that it is he/she that is the problem 'has the problem' - Not the family, spouse, friends, neighbors.
Borderlines are NOT liars. They believe everything they say is true, and the way in which they say it is also believed by them. They are fully and greatly in love and lovers, wanting love - but when it is given, it feels oddly wrong - unfamiliar. It is known as "Get out, but please don't go." The Borderline needs to relearn love. Unconditional quiet love. And they can - and some do. It IS possible to learn all of this and STOP the cycling.
They cycle back to a provocation technique for conflict, instead, to in the end, hear the words. "I love you. I will never leave." In this way, the Borderline is satisfied and feels loved. The significant other, however still feels hurt by the provocation, and confused. The Borderline knows provocation and conflict much better than they do love, not to mention the subtleties of the dance of love in a real relationship between two separate people.
The Borderline and the Narcissist are the perfect match because the Narcissist will never leave. They enjoy the suffering of the Borderline. Healthy spouses, however, find staying more challenging, but many do remain and even try to find out what it is that the Borderline is suffering from, and how they could tackle it together.
That's what this blog hopes to accomplish.
To all the people out there who have loved ones that are Borderlines, may you and they find a way out - a way for the Borderline to feel real life and real love and living. I always recommend AJ Mahari and this is no exception. She's online, on facebook, on Ebooks, and Youtube. She is a life coach and teacher who gives countless sufferers hope.
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