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| My Buddy Dustie |
That's right, I was so filled with fear and anxiety for over 25 years that what should have been the sweetest, most calm part of the day, instead was an instant fight and flight jump reaction. The sadness and confusion on my husbands face at that moment gripped me with regret. As the years went on, we thought of inventive ways to approach me... whistling, cowbells, flicker the lights, and others. I still have three cowbells that hang all the time on my bedroom door - both a reminder and a comfort.
The greatest part of the ongoing anxiety or even free floating anxiety was my not knowing what lies the NM was perpetrating now. What was she coming up with to convince who that I was crazy, said things I didn't say, didn't like this one or that, ... you name it. It was impossible to imagine the lies. I had to live with knowing family members were shunning me AGAIN until one of them finally told me the latest story - or I finally put two and two and six and seven together and figured it out for myself. Even then usually they believed her over me. Then the amazing lie ate at me until my anxiety was through the roof!! I'd keep asking myself how the family members could believe this when they know me?? . Even my poor father.
I realized too that I believed many lies she said about him (and all of them) over the years also, but because I loved him so much, I could put what she said aside and tell myself, "Well, he isn't that way with me." Yeah that's how you cope with a Narcissistic mother and in my case, a Borderline father. Until the lie was directly about me and my family to hurt me.
She came up with a winner that really just about destroyed me. It was right after I'd thrown a giant retirement party at my new home for my dad. I invited family from all over the country to attend. Most of them came and it was such a beautiful day. My Sarah was a baby about nine or ten months old, and the boys three and seven. I was so proud of them and my husband, and the home he'd bought for us. The party was beautiful and my husband catered it, complete with a decorated cold carved turkey with fruit and cherries. Everyone was so pleased and surprised really by what we'd done for my dad. We had music and a giant circus tent professionally put up in the backyard. Home computers were kind of new then and I had a banner made that read in giant lettering "You are the wind beneath my wings." There were laughs and more laughs throughout the day as he and his siblings were altogether for the first time in decades - and, incidentally, the last.
She told me shortly after on a visit to their place three hours North of our new home, that "Dad says he doesn't want to go to your house ever again after this last time during Thanksgiving because Khaled was rude by speaking Arabic in front of him". Yeah. You can feel my face fall. And I believed her. He had BPD and that would be the kind of thing that would piss him off. She knew it. And maybe my husband did do that and it did piss Dad off, BUT I bet he never said the rest of it. That's the way she got people to believe her lies... So many half truths and the cruelest too!! I was sick over this because when either of them said never again... THAT'S IT. There was never any going back and feeling bad and taking a punishment back...lol.. oh, no!! Everything with them was written in stone.
I couldn't even think straight. She was loving this and I could tell, but still, I didn't realized then that she was lying. And I would NEVER ask my dad about it... THAT is a no no with an NM. You don't second guess the NM and she knew she had that to count on. So amazing how confident she was with her lies and never being detected. If he EVER knew of this, he would have maybe even divorced her. I was very close to telling him when she kicked me out of the family. Yeah that was her ace in the hole when things got close to any kind of revelation.
Whew, just remembering this is too much. The reason she did this was her jealousy. Dad loved me so much and I was so much like him that she worked my whole life at taking me down notches at a time in his eyes until one fine day, 'she thought', I'd finally give up and go no contact with them, or he would agree to disown me like he did the other three kids at different times over the years. Sickening that even he - the man with the greatest heart, could be gotten to that badly by this Bad Jinn. And what an accomplishment it was for her - she would rehearse the reasons for the alienation almost daily to him, and to both of us on all of my visits. It was brainwashing ... but I never totally believed her. She worked on him until he did. I think the best part of himself knew better and that's why he suffered so much mentally.
He also suffered from PTSD. He had raging dreams and night terrors. For years they slept in separate bedrooms because he would punch and fight in his sleep and it wasn't safe for the NM. At least that's what she said and he never denied it. Actually he elaborated that it was true. He suffered also with Sleep Apnea and in later years with his lung condition, should have had a C pap.
I'm surprised he didn't try to kill her in his sleep for all she put his children and him through all those years.
So, I ask myself about the mystery of her - What is she? If she's not human, is she an alien, a Bad Jinn, a Jinn and human mongrel, or a Shaitan and alien mix? I know she is void of any compassion, remorse, conscience, and empathy. I mean, even dogs and cats have more human traits than the NM. I think she's more than narcissistic.
After knowing that she deprived my dying father his morphine on his deathbed for three weeks, and during his actual death was screaming and waving her arms, calling my brother a liar for turning her in - she has to be NOT human. At best a Psychopath. When authorities arrived, nurse and all, with a morphine injection, he had already just then taken his last oxygen-deprived breath.
The room instead of being peaceful with that miraculous ethereal feeling of when a person is just born or had just died - was filled with negativity and a screaming Psychopath who was screaming because she was finally caught, NOT over my precious father's death.
These monsters are 4-6 in a hundred and all wear masks. She portrayed the role of nursing home owner for some years, "mother" for some, ceramic shop owner for some, and converted Catholic still for others. All games to fill her life. In all these roles there were countless scenarios to conjure and to blame on others. So crafty too - the ceramic role was a sweet child-like little grandmother type who greeted her students as such. Pretending to be all interested in them and their lives while painting away and telling tales. Going on how about how much she thought of me and my kids and husband. These were the same years my IBS was taking hold on visits there when she used the mantra of the Arabs and the Jews ... the bad and the good and how my husband was going to take my kids to Egypt and I'd never get them back. Oh yeah it wasn't enough I listened to this for hours on end, shaking inside, but I'd stay over night and allow her to force my kids to eat lunch and dinner outside the next day.
That wasn't enough either, I'd badger myself all the way home ... Why why and why? No rational answers came.. So then there were the long distance phone calls during which NM would whisper so my dad couldn't hear from the other room. Yeah it was torture. I could not hear either, and it was costing us so much money, but I was trying so hard to get her to understand that I was not the enemy and neither was my husband.
I was a fool. She was only having fun. She got the biggest kick out of how stupid my love and kindness and sincerity, actually, really was. It was boundless for her and for my dad. She couldn't believe the jackpot she had in me for Narcissistic supply. It was very seldom that I disappointed her. But when I did that narcissistic injury opened the floodgates in seconds for a malignant attack and it never ended there. After I left and for years after that, she'd conjure a lie about me that was believable to the rest of the family.
She told them all that I beat my kids and still was telling it when my little sister went no contact only a few years ago. I just now figured out why once 21 years ago, my Aunt Dee asked me right out, "Do you beat your kids"??? It was so bizarre that I was shocked silent for a moment. I told her I spanked them, but no. And anyway, you don't have to even spank them after they get the idea you aren't going to put up with whatever it is that kids might try to do to manipulate or misbehave.
I remember being just flabbergasted and curious when my Aunt blurted out such a question. I wasn't going to be all defensive and scream NO. But to be honest I wanted to admit to spanking on the hiney of the little kids for guidance. I mean what is she talking about??? NO I couldn't beat my kids. Once I did slap my son Khaled's bare legs over and over and left red blotches, which to this day makes me sick. Maybe that's what she was talking about. Just so happened the NM was with me and just so happened it was the very day she told me that dad never wanted to come to my house ever again.
Listen, there is no excuse for slapping a child like that, but I'll tell you this much, I wasn't real big on spankings after that. I had no idea then that she had gotten this from the NM and was either asking for a reaction or to find out the truth, but NOW I am sure. I remember, too, after leaving, telling my NM that it was so weird that my aunt would ask such a bizarre question. I mean, even she and my dad didn't beat me. I was wondering where she would get such a weird question to blurt out during a nice family visit and the NM was agreeing, adding that there must be something wrong with her...lol..!!
Yep PTSD. I'd drive the three hour drive home repeating what the aunt said and then what the NM said and then all the other emotional abuse about my husband and his culture. I'd ask myself what it all meant and constantly give the NM the benefit of the doubt. Well, maybe next time she'll be better... maybe next time she'll see how adorable her grandchildren are and how happy we all are.. maybe then she'll be normal. Problem was.... Now I know.... she DID see all of that, and that's why she tortured me so.
Lastly, I always had the kids in new clothes, good haircuts, lots of new toys - everything all mommies do. It killed the NM. She was the opposite kind of "mom". I packed six pair of underpants for one or two days and several outfits. Lots of socks - all new or like new. For Sarah, over the top accessories and girlie things ... always fresh and new. I never once dragged a used or dirty thing in the NM's house. These grandchildren arrived there like they stepped out of a magazine. Still she ignored them. Never once picked them up and hugged and kissed them. Made them stay outside as long as possible and eat outside.
My way of mothering killed her, and it was in her face on these countless visits until she'd kick me out of their lives again. Boundaries. Yeah try placing them with an NM and see what happens. lol... First you are kicked out, secondly the lies and more lies come from her mouth to dad's ears and then to my siblings and obviously to my aunts and uncles too.
I'm sorry you guys that you also know exactly what I'm talking about here... because you have experienced the same thing. People who don't have an NM just cannot imagine how a mother could behave this way. The truth is NM's aren't mothers. They are monsters in a mother mask. I swear.
Good news though!! I have survived even the PTSD!! It is gone. So is the anxiety. Totally gone. You can kick it too. You all know I've been no contact for three years and my total healing has been about two. I think the healing is much better and faster being no contact. I just can't explain how good it feels to be well. There aren't words after the suffering. Just aren't words.
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