I remember arriving in Florida for the approaching death of my father, seeing my brother for the first time in 30 years and my two sisters were there too. I mentioned that I've been going by my given first name, Kathleen, for about 25 years, "Who are you now?"
I always called my brother Joey, and he was going by only Joe. My sister, Linda, who was wearing a beautiful mask, was possesed, burying her authentic self underneath. My other sister, two and a half years younger than I, was playing the role of head person in charge just below the all mighty, menacing, and manipulative narcissistic mother of the four of us. But not a one was allowed, and some didn't know how to, be our authentic selves.
Even my dying father was afraid to the point of calling off the lung transplant to please the NM and golden child sister who couldn't be bothered relocating to Ohio for three months to make this all happen. Money was NO object.
From the long hospital hallway, we heard him crying to the NM, "I want to LIVE ma!" Yet, he was telling us the transplant was out of the question now. He was giving up, but at least he wouldn't be inconveniencing the satisfied NM.
We were all so controlled by NM's lies, threats, and manipulations since birth, which only deepened with age somehow, that we were like walking zombies there in that hospital - even me, who had given up on the NM the year before when I told her I wasn't going to be manipulated or told what to do any longer. Then of course she kicked me out. But, still I found myself there in the hospital a year later, called to his bedside against NM's will, shaken and afraid of what she might do to him to me to all of us because I was there to say goodbye. Because she didn't get her way. Because she could. Whatever it was.... she could. And she would. If not then, when I left - the lies she'd conjure for the others would be just terrific and unimaginable - and again I wouldn't be able to defend myself because none of them would tell me. She sat in that hospital chair at the foot of his bed like a Nazi planning our demise.
The possessed sister and golden child looked to the NM for guidance on every breath, while keeping even a glance off from me - the target - the scapegoat - the hated one. We have video to prove all of this and it is interesting to watch the body language of the entire inauthentic family surrounding our dying father who himself was afraid from moment to moment. More though, of the NM, than even of death.
This is power. This power that is great enough to destroy the minds of people is so evil that the negativity fills the room with a sickening oppression. Yet, all of us gathered round our father and with the will we were used to, pushed through the thickness with our stories and memories - our jokes - and even the laughter. All the while, the one sister ignoring me sufficiently, the NM monitoring the loyalty, the brother propped up on the empty bed, beside, like a nine year old child with his legs tight together and his hands folded in his lap, and the head sister in charge reminding us we should all go now and call it a night.
Me, I was there at my father's side, holding his hand in mine. I was hot and sweating profusely - and my hands were ringing with sweat the entire three days that there were to say goodbye. I had a giant fever blister on my lip, and didn't sleep either of the two nights- not a wink.
What should have been a beautiful quiet goodbye, was one giant mixed up scary, inauthentic, confusing, awful, even sickening experience.
The only way to enjoy authenticity at all was to steal an afternoon with my dad, alone, when the NM couldn't be there and the siblings had left us alone. In this wonderful afternoon I did get to say goodbye and it was authentic and beautiful. But, it had to be orchestrated and arranged. NM would make them all pay for doing this after I left Florida, including my poor dying father.
In inauthentic families, the only authentic ones - the only members who are being their authentic selves are the perpetrators and or the ones who have finally checked out of the family - stopped playing the game - just absolutely refuse to take the bait anymore ever. That would be me and the NM.
What a circus. The advoceries, the dying victim, the accomplices..... and the negativity.
For as much power as the NM had over so many people it was all like a facade. If the NM or any NM is confronted and put in her place FOREVER, her power goes away.
It only took me confronting her with all her lies and manipulations once and for all some time after my father passed away. I totally vindicated myself as the stunned NM sat there totally powerless. Even the lies she would tell after I left her place for the confrontation would have no power with me now. And of course she did lie. She told my siblings, "Your sister was here threatening me and scared me. She said I killed Dad. I'm afraid." Well, she couldn't tell them she was upset because all of her lies had just been exposed. And there were so many.
The only way to win with an NM and to shut them up, is to have irrefutable proof of their lies - like on video tape. So, that's what I did. I told her I had copies of every single letter and card I'd sent over the years (because she lied to my siblings about all of them. Either that she and my dad didn't get them or the ones they got were "poison pen letters". I further told her that on my afternoon visit, my phone recorded dad telling me every single lie she ever said against me. BAM. I won. She looked shell shocked. Not a word left to say. I further said that if she wants to continue lying about me now, I will play that recording for all my siblings. It was perfect. I left there, my authentic self, walking on air.
Don't forget. These NM's have very little fear and don't care about anything. She was just fine emotionally after this confrontation. Just busy planning her next move on the chessboard.
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