This of course comes from being the child of a psychopath with narcissistic tendencies. Everything was and had to be always for the NM - nothing was for me or my siblings who were not the golden child. We learned to take our places - last - where the NM was concerned or pay with humiliation or punishment.
Somehow it seems no matter what I have learned and how far I have come in recovery from such an abusive childhood and adult relationship with the NM also, I just cannot get that boundary thing down. I find it so difficult to open my mouth and put myself first - laying the law down for others to understand I won't be a doormat.
Users and abusers of all kinds LOVE me.
I started laying the law down a few years ago. I have since told the entitled person that this is my house not theirs about ten times.
Why am I so angry with her and myself? How can I accomplish getting her out of my life without destroying the family involved (hers and ours) - How can I avoid hurting her feelings but accomplish my reasonable goal? I just know once I get started I could turn into Jackie Gleason (Ralph Kramdon) and start flailing my arms and pointing my finger - shouting everything in one giant blast of frustration. Not a pretty picture.
I am angry for being taken advantage of, and for granted. I am angry at her for having to be told what I know she already knows. I am even angry at my husband for allowing this crap from her and complaining to me that I cost him too much money!!
My home, peace and contentment have been compromised. Now, I have had to watch MY spending to afford it. I'm so done with this. I'm angry and I don't like being angry. That's for borderlines. Hate is for borderlines too.
Okay so I don't hate. So I don't want to be angry. If I confront her, my anger will be gone. But I must do it in such a way that I am not insulting. Nevermind that she has been insulting to me for nine years.
Alright, I'll say... So, you're back. Let's see, it's November and you left in July. What is it you want to accomplish during your stay this time? What are your solid future plans - for where you might live? Are you planning to leave your home, sell it, move in with your kids maybe? Or buy another place here? I mean you like it here so much. (Wait. that's sarcastic now). I suck at this. I can't.
Okay, so how long are you planning to stay this time? Just wondering what your plans are for where you might be staying in the future. I mean, we are nearing retirement and thinking about selling this place. Do you plan to move in with your son and his wife and kids? They would like that - Your son was telling me before, he built a wing on his new home just for you. (only I've mentioned this before... grrrr....) Wait for her reply.
Better. Getting there. Now to do it without a borderline look on my face. So many borderline traits make it really difficult to navigate life and difficult relationships. But, I can do this. I have to do this. To avoid a mean expression, I must feel not mean. I must not be angry.
I should give myself credit for working this out - instead of being angry and dysfunctional. That's it. Instead of being angry with myself for it getting this far - so many years - I must be satisfied with myself for doing something about it now. For finding a way to get some answers while letting her know this free ride is over.
Too bad we must do this with people. But we do. It is for me and I'm worth it. I'm not last. I don't belong last in my own home. And I don't need to be angry in my own home. I need to be contented - especially in my own home.
I need to be clear and concise, but I don't need be cruel in any way. It's difficult to be respectful when I have lost all respect for this person, but I will be careful - and firm. That's maybe the approach I should take ... careful but firm. No pointing fingers or accusations. She knows what she has done. It's over now, and we would only be talking about future plans.
What if her plans are to stay at my house indefinitely regardless of our retirement? I don't think she can say that - but she is pushy. We'll see. I'm going to prepare myself for anything and expect nothing.
No comments:
Post a Comment