When Good isn't Good Enough

I found on my newsfeed the sentence below which prompted me to write this post about both sides of when good isn't good enough.....

"Dont you dare for one more second surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are."

The flip side to this is .... What about those  you  who know have potential and inner greatness, of which they refuse to allow you or anyone else (including themselves) to experience?

Similarly then, don't you dare for one more second try to convince them of their greatness.  They must come to this on their own. I don't mean not to encourage others, but a few are determined to punish a kindness, and abuse those who want to help them.  They will never believe you - trust you - or even indulge you.  

My BPD sister began life as an innocent precious neglected child, who learned early on to NOT CARE about anyone, anything, and worst of all, herself.  But, I always knew the real person in the body of this child.  That precious person she was before the BPD took total hold.

The full blossoming of the BPD condition encompassed her at age 13.  She became so angry, and was so full of all of the traits of BPD that it was really best to stay as far away from her as possible.  There was no reaching that authentic person/child within her after that point.  It was at this age that she broke my nose deliberately.  I mean with her fist, with such force and repeated blows that the hate and rage filled my entire body and shocked my soul to the core.  I'm not saying I didn't deserve admonishment or punishment of some kind for teasing her, (I was a rather hateful little snot myself) but this was, as I recall - and the neighbors do recall as well - a very scary display of unbalance and rage.

I ran to my neighbor's house, where I was friends with a school teacher who lived there with her husband and mother.  She washed my long blood filled hair and face.  I remember telling her that I could never tell my parents what happened that my face was so busted up and my nose was broken because they would kill us both.  The teacher neighbor was so kind to me.  I finally went home, and when my parents saw me, I told them that I fell when washing my hair in the kitchen sink and slammed my face on the faucet.  Just as the BPD sister, the NM didn't care anyway, and my dad was busy just trying to survive the depression he was struggling against at the time. I was relieved nothing more was asked.

But I thought then, and very seldom now it might enter my mind ... "How could a person actually do that?? I mean actually full force (she was like a strong boy) slam their fist into their sister's face over and over - blood splatting everywhere - and still, bam, bam, and more??"  It wasn't only the damage she did to me that resonated....Even then I realized the damage that was done to her that she had such rage, and was so frightfully disturbed.

After that, I had very little to do with her, because, truly, teasing or not - you never knew what it was that offended her.  The nose breaking incident was over me telling her that her friends wanted to be friends with me, also. (And me teasing her).  It was a seemingly non issue compared to the mean ways I treated her up until then.  I don't recall ever laying a hand on her though - ever.  But I was a mean little brat ... leaving her out.... discounting her.... all the mean things siblings do (verbal bullying...name calling). In such an abusive family, oh yeah, I learned well to treat someone two and a half years younger than I like crap.

But with BPD there is often not a good reason for why they rage, when they rage.  When there is reason to rage, they pretend nothing is happening and become someone else.  You can never gauge what they are thinking, although, they expect you to read their minds.  You are doomed to failure in a relationship with a person with BPD, and you cannot help them to see even the slightest unsavory consequence of those traits to which they hold so dearly.

As you all know, I tried in our post mid-life age to reconnect with the BPD sister and, as you might have guessed, the incident was repeated, only without such a drastic physical aspect.  Again, for a seemingly non reason she raged and started splitting. It took me 8 months to put it all together why she decided to start devaluing me and our "relationship".  But as of now, from one year before, I finally gave up trying and had to let it all go.  There is no reaching such blindness - a person sleep walking through life and "relationships"  ....  It is impossible to ever be enough to avoid the wrath.  Just sadly impossible.

I wanted her to find her.  I wanted her to give that innocent inner child a chance -but she told me flat out that she wasn't interested in evolving past the knowing of the pathology of the NM.  She said that she would never be normal, but for her the way she is now is "Living in the Solution".  That includes announcing on fb that ALL immediate family members could go to hell, ridding herself of all craziness in her life - which (now) includes me, last I knew, all of her friends, and 99.9 percent of her own family. She's lived there under two years and already has managed to provoke the neighbors. She told me that one of them walks his dog (on the other side of the street) and doesn't always pick up the dog's soil.  So, she planted herself on the sidewalk and glared at him as he went by.  She hollered, "Aren't you going to pick that up?"  He shot back, "Come here bitch.  I'll smear your face in it if that's what you want."

Provocation for a response to complain about - that's what BPD loves most.

Other than my father who spent a lifetime dodging the currents and waves of a Psychopath/Narcissistic wife, I have NEVER seen such a fearful person as my BPD sister.  I wanted so badly for her to rid herself of that fear. I tried to be her safe place to fall so to get that foothold and begin evolving emotionally  but she wasn't having it.

A year and a half ago (just after the giving of the gold ring), that rage came loose during the construction of a fence project at her new place. I was there helping her and supporting her - telling her how great she was.... You know, she is.. I have wrote extensively how talented she is - that she could do anything.  I tried, then though and, the whole three year re- connection to get her to feel what I felt for her abilities and her emotional potential of, which I was patient in waiting for her to understand how to become aware. I never came out and said "emotional potential" for fear of insulting her - but I tried every which way to reach her.

As when she broke my nose, that whole week she was angry... using abusive language....and soooo CONTROLLING.  My every breath was controlled.  My every step was analyzed... Even her pets were treated like crap.  It was awful.  And one of them was sick, who she wouldn't allow for me to comfort.  She forced her to stay out in the rain...  I was sick.  I couldn't just leave because you see she would say that I didn't help her with the project.  You can NEVER do anything good enough for BPD.

During the project her rage hit the roof when I couldn't lift this heaving base for the steps.  I was bent down (standing in dogshit) in the rain... freezing cold... trying to lift, and she with her abusive language took hold of the base and like a giant man, yanked it up and slammed it down on my shoulder!  I knew not to make a big deal out of ANYTHING with her, so I tried to quiet my moan and ouch.  She never once asked if I was okay or apologized.  It scared me.  And as I have told a nauseum in this blog, she looked at me with such evil raging hatred that her beady brown eyes turned black and dead.

I knew at that moment, outside of her new place, that blustering November day, after having raked her entire backyard and helped build a fence and install a doggie door for dogs which I was not allowed to even play with - that this thing with her is OVER.  I cannot be subject to this EVER again.   And somehow I wont.

I went home when the project was finished and waited for her call to explain ... or ask for forgiveness.... or to even say "I don't understand why I act like that".  Anything.  Nothing at all.... She emailed me like nothing ever happened.  Only I was still being devalued and punished - used and abused, as days later she insisted I come back to sit for her dogs that I'm not allowed to walk or play with, so she can fly to Calif with the ex who had instantly bounced back into her life.  NO IMPULSE CONTROL.

It took me eight months to confront her with all of this and she denied the whole thing, escorting me out of her home.  She contacted me later to say that her ex husband told her that yes she acts that way, but she doesn't think it's a big deal.

A couple of months later, she invited me to come back!!  Then wrote that she was insulted that she invited me and I changed the subject.  I was selfish she said.  If things aren't going to be my way when I come to visit, I don't want to go.  So I'm selfish.  Totally blind to EVERYTHING.

lol... This is a good one for a laugh though, and sooo BPD:  She threw in.... "I thought you were selfish, too, in your volunteering at the animal shelter".  Good one.  Leave it to BPD to find a volunteer selfish!!  Sad. (I don't really know what that means, but for BPD it could be anything.  The hours I do, or the things I offer to do or do not do).  lol...  HUMOR IS ESSENTIAL....lol...

So this is what I did instead, and what I am doing still
PEACE PEEPS

The photo and the quote is what I wanted for my Borderline Personality Disorder sister.

But I went ahead on my own ... and with my husband and children instead.

There are always new opportunities - Everyday is a new day and another chance in life.

Damn right:  "Dont you dare for one more second surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are."