THE WILD CARD

OMG

Finally, it dawns on me.  The wild card in all of this Psychopath/Sociopath/BPD/NPD family confusion.  Why after all we'd been through together (BPD sister and me), would yet another pathological predator still manage to have power over our reunion enough to destroy us?  I think I now know.

The BPD sister's abusive, but all so prevalent and relevant EX ...  The infamous NPD that everyone in the little town of Owego has figured out after 30 years was watching our relationship grow.

She was identifying with me (mirroring me instead of him) for over two years when she was on the verge of leaving him again.  BPD always has to mirror someone - and it's always one.  NPD knows this  -  and it has to be them.

We are talking here about mind games - Control - Manipulation - and Parasitic Predatory existence.  All in a mad search for that which the parents of both NPD and BPD partners did not supply.  Here, it's "Anything for attention, self worth, and love." Both parties have this SO TWISTED.

This guy is 25 years older than us, and very high functioning, raised by an alcoholic abusive mother/abusive father, self- proclaimed recovering alcoholic himself, extremely CONTROLLING, manipulative, insecure, self-centered, emotionally infantile, sceptical, well read, and a lifetime study of human behavior.

She is the classic BPD paranoid.

When the NPD and the BPD both become threatened with real love or the fear of engulfment, they NEED to play the push/pull game.

When closeness or engulfment fears become heightened, both NPD and BPD partners can experience anxiety, which prompts their need to draw back.  The distance between them eases tension, but a narcissist makes it HIS fault (in his mind only), and experiences shame.  This catalyzes his frantic efforts to win her over - AND over and over again.  It isn't that he's needing her - he's needing reprieve from his toxic sense of unlovability/unworthiness (shameful remnants from boyhood).  Love is an impossible achievement for either of these two types.  Unless on the off .... and I do mean off chance that they want help and actually get it - Assuming there is time and money enough left in their lives to achieve the long-term goal of wellness.

He has told my sister that he has no college education because although he was granted a full scholarship to Harvard University for English studies, he felt obligated to refuse because of some family hardship only he could resolve at the time.  Further, he was a low-level boss in a plant where they met, but he managed to surround himself with higher ups where and when he could - trying to impress.  My sister followed him in name dropping --- "Oh, the "so and so's" were at the dinner"  and so on.  Usually some relative to the Vice President of the plant. And oh yeah ... all the government contracts and international communications - which were spoken more of as connections.  Then, there is the involvement with the local United Way - He is supposed to be the person who decides where the contributions would be spent - and the controller of all of the money collected.  Big responsibility.  Big guy on the BOARD.  If I hear "He has a meeting with the Board of Directors" one more time....  it's so obviously gratuitous.  He isn't even Chair of Budget and Committee for the United Way.  Lastly, he did well with the stock market in the nineties and accumulated a tidy sum with his California connection - according the EX, this person is in a highly important position, whose portfolio was made available for him to follow.

Money has been his Ace in the hole with my sister ever since.  He uses it to drive her away when he's had enough of her BPD, and then to pull her back in when he needs someone to validate his need and ability to control and win.

Basically, these two types aren't satisfied unless they are miserable and making each other miserable.  She is so desperate for someone in this world to love her (only in a selfish way) (real love isn't allowed) that she is relieved to be sucked back in.

He's clever, though, in how he does this... It's always in a humble, sad way that he behaves to disarm her and pave the way.  For instance, this last time she left him and spent her retirement funds to purchase her own home, he called her the first month she settled in (notice she would never cut off communication).  He told her he was flying to California to bury a distant family member (because he's such a good person), and now his domineering character gives way to the hurt child in need of an escort.  In one shake of a lamb's tail, she was on that plane with him, which marked the beginning of his way back for the maybe 20th time.

This worked out just about right for him after he'd placed the wedge between her and me.  It was about a year before this that the two of them were living together in his home where I sat for his and her pets while they spent a few days in Boston MA.  I did everything he specified (and I do mean specified), and on their return, he ran all around the house while I was still there - looking at this - peeking into that room - opening this door and that - checking the contents of the refrigerator.  It was so weird.  Then he asked me to come over to his desk and tell me what this meant on his computer.  My husband's login had been put into his computer.  I shrugged my shoulders and told him I can't imagine.  I had my own computer.

I figured it was nothing - couldn't be anything about me because I never touched his computer.  After I went home, he decided to show it to my sister.  Remember BPD makes a bigger deal out of everything to begin with - If I have anything questionable pending an answer, I know better than to mention it to the BPD sister - and HE KNOWS THIS ALSO.

Soon, she was calling me to ask if I'd been into his computer.  I told her 20 times NO.  I was really hurt that she would even mention this preposterous thing . This was so reminiscent of dealing with the NM and my BPD father.  NM would lie and BPD would believe. It's always such a slap in the face to the victim.

She screamed at me, "Do you think I'm lying to you?  I'm looking at it right here in front of my eyes and it's your husbands login".  First of all, why would I login with his login?  Secondly, why would I lie if I did?  Thirdly, I DON'T CARE .... THIS IS AWFUL.... YOU PEOPLE ARE NUTS.  Only I didn't say that.  I said to call the company they use for wireless and find out why when I used my computer in her EX husband's house it registered on his.   Never got a reply, an apology or anything.

Turns out that since the laptop I use was my husbands first, it has his login information - and when the BPD sister's EX gave me the number to enter into my computer to have permission to use his wireless on my computer, it registered as my husband - his login.  And showed on his computer.  Now, after all the above credentials for this idiot, you can't tell me he didn't know all of this from the start.  He was only messing with the two of us to see if we were both so stupid that we didn't know  - and we were ...lol. -  This way he could use this to place that all important first wedge (that I know of anyway).

I tried really hard to get over that she didn't believe me or worse that she thought that I would get into his computer - BUT I just kept feeling badly - I mentioned it a few times more and she wouldn't budge - saying things like she could understand why I would be ashamed to tell the truth.

For me, this was a deal breaker.  The real beginning of the end of our reunion as sister"s" in recovery. For the NPD EX, this was success - and for the BPD Paranoid/ sister it was confusion and disappointment, marking the beginning of the end of her trust in me.

I tried to tell myself that one day she would figure this out or find the truth by accident.  But the reality is until that time, our relationship was not only changed, it was doomed.  She only had distrust for me after that - It was then that the devaluation process began. She started dismissing nearly everything I said after that and I was more and more turned off by her distrust, anger and what ended up, RAGE.

BPD builds what they see as betrayal until they split and rage - and I was in for it - full blast.  All the while, this EX who calls her 50 times a day was in her ear measuring the progress ... watching it all come to pass.  You know, this sounds evil.. and I think it is.  I sat on this for over a year before ever mentioning it here because it is so evil.

Now, she can feel betrayed by me since I have written extensively about this, but prior, NEVER.  I write to see for myself what sometimes one can't see, otherwise - and also to share with others still searching.

But, more importantly - ONE DAY the BPD sister will come across these words and she will finally SEE.  She will know I didn't lie to her.  I never wanted to leave her.  And I won't be subject to abuse from BPD, NPD, NM's, Psychopaths or any other pathology ever again.  Not ever. Not even for her.

Sadly, she was really betrayed by the abusive EX here as she has been so many times before.  And, too, just like all the other times he's betrayed her, she couldn't wait to go back for more. His big win is still looming since he is about 75 years old, and on his way out, taking all that money that she's so attached to with him, one way or the other.  If he couldn't take care of her when she was his wife - not even buy groceries or pay bills (she was forced to pay (her share))  -  He is NEVER going to see to it that she's taken care of now or when he's gone.

Besides her daughters, I was the only real person in her life - the only person who ever showed her unconditional love. I would have continued to try to show her that loving her children is the only way - no matter what.  I would have hoped to get through to her that it isn't in what they do for her, or even what she sees as against her that matters.  Love isn't about what one gets in return.  Love is for the opposite of what can be gained.  I was working on that with her - but the EX was on the other end, in her ear - wedging out one daughter and wedging out me.

It wasn't until the BPD sister's abuse trumped my love that I was forced to allow the wedge to have that foothold. I let it and her and him be right - and finally walked away.

But I sure put up a fight for her - for us.  I sure did.