The degree to which you can trust yourself is the degree to which you are able to send trust to someone else. BPDs' lack of trust is negative 75 according to AJ Mahari.
From BPD's point of view, trying to form a bond is impossible when you don't know who you are and you are so hard on others - but you are hardest on yourself.
You take all of those negative things that are going on inside of you and project them onto others. Thinking others make you feel this way - you are accusatory. They don't know what is inside of you. AND you need to know that it's really all about you. It's about what IS inside of you that will either be the status quo or become the change is so needed.
Believe them when they tell you who they are. My borderline told me at the beginning of our reconnection in adulthood. "If down the road, this thing doesn't work out, I'm not going to care. I just want you to know that right now."
I took this on knowing who she was and believing that it could go either way. Either she would learn to care and work through things as the relationship grew, or she would be true to her statement. The latter of course was true. I did think it was strange to begin a relationship promising to be open and honest with someone, yet saying that they are not about to invest anything - especially of themselves.
I let this play out for three years in the form of money and things. My borderline was satisfied enough if you paid her way or more than yours most of the time. It seemed to me that she didn't get the concept of feelings and relationship - but she was very clear about material things and money. So I took advantage and used this to reach her, hopefully, eventually in less material ways. Only every intimate step I made was punished with every BPD trait on the list. It was a painful and negative experience.
Believe your BPD family member or friend when they tell you who and what they are.
I learned though. Sure it was painful, but I learned that I cannot do a single thing to make her better. And most of all - that - THAT'S OKAY. And who am I to know what it is that someone needs to be better?? I figured everyone needs love. That's what I assaulted her with - love. I guess in some ways I was out of line loving her and trying to show her love and even how to love.
Still, it's all okay. Learning. It's a good thing.
From BPD's point of view, trying to form a bond is impossible when you don't know who you are and you are so hard on others - but you are hardest on yourself.
You take all of those negative things that are going on inside of you and project them onto others. Thinking others make you feel this way - you are accusatory. They don't know what is inside of you. AND you need to know that it's really all about you. It's about what IS inside of you that will either be the status quo or become the change is so needed.
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| Stairs to my New flat where the Sunshine is Endless and things on the Inside are as Wonderful as those on the Outside |
I took this on knowing who she was and believing that it could go either way. Either she would learn to care and work through things as the relationship grew, or she would be true to her statement. The latter of course was true. I did think it was strange to begin a relationship promising to be open and honest with someone, yet saying that they are not about to invest anything - especially of themselves.
I let this play out for three years in the form of money and things. My borderline was satisfied enough if you paid her way or more than yours most of the time. It seemed to me that she didn't get the concept of feelings and relationship - but she was very clear about material things and money. So I took advantage and used this to reach her, hopefully, eventually in less material ways. Only every intimate step I made was punished with every BPD trait on the list. It was a painful and negative experience.
Believe your BPD family member or friend when they tell you who and what they are.
I learned though. Sure it was painful, but I learned that I cannot do a single thing to make her better. And most of all - that - THAT'S OKAY. And who am I to know what it is that someone needs to be better?? I figured everyone needs love. That's what I assaulted her with - love. I guess in some ways I was out of line loving her and trying to show her love and even how to love.
Still, it's all okay. Learning. It's a good thing.
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